Prince Tennyson by Jenni James

up.
    I slowly headed over there past a couple of different soccer fields. There were parents cheering in both of them. It seemed like everyone had their parents at their games except me and Hannah.
    Dad used to love to come to my soccer games and cheer me on. Hannah didn’t even know what she was missing, since this was her first year playing. I did. I missed my dad. I missed the way he would come to a game even when he was super busy. I missed when he would volunteer to help out and sometimes be the line referee. I missed when he would yell, “Go, Chelsea, go! Get the ball!”
    By the time I made it to the bleachers and climbed up next to Grandma Haney and Cameron, the game was going full force and heated. Grandma held Cameron and was hollering all sorts of cheers just for Hannah. I smiled at her when she nodded, and then sat down to watch.
    Hannah was good. Really good. She was probably the best player on her team. Dad would’ve loved to see her play. I wished Mom were here to see her—she would have loved it too.
    When Hannah made a goal, I jumped to my feet quicker than anyone else. I cupped my hands around my mouth, and before I realized what I was doing, I yelled, “Hannah! That was awesome! You are the most determined girl ever!”
    All at once, I couldn’t cheer anymore. Hannah turned and smiled at me and waved. I waved back. My heart stopped beating for a few seconds. Everything hurt.
    I had to find out if my dad was in heaven or not. I had to.

    ***
    On Sunday, I was more confused than ever. The speaker was talking about how you could find God in your life everywhere you looked. He said there was even God in the trees and the water and stuff.
    Huh? Excuse me? Trees and water?
    I’d seen a lot of trees and water, and I was pretty sure I’d never seen God in them. The whole thing just didn’t make sense. I didn’t understand how reading the Bible, crying in your room, or looking at trees and water all connected together. It had to though, right? I mean, everyone said it came to the same point, that those things would help me know God. Except, except…it was just confusing and hard and something I really couldn’t wrap my mind around. I was only a kid, for crying out loud. I didn’t understand rocket science. So why did the Lord make it so hard to find Him, then? Especially if He wanted people to know him.
    After dinner, I went to my room and locked the door so Hannah wouldn’t come in and bug me. Then I sat on my bed for a long time and just thought and thought about everything. When my brain started to hurt, I decided it might be better if I wrote it down. So I crawled off the bed over to where I had put my backpack and pulled out my notebook. I opened it clear to the back and ripped out a page, and then I started to make a list:

    Ways to know that God is real:

If you read the Bible, it will tell you
If you’re sad, you will get all tingly and warm and feel Him in you
If you look closely at trees and water, you will see God
If you go to church
    Uhh…

    Okay, so I couldn’t come up with a number five. Instead, I started to make another list.

    Reasons why I should even be trying to find out if God is real:

So I know what happened to my dad
To help my mom be happy
I need to know for myself and not just because people tell me
I want to

    Okay, so the last one surprised me. I didn’t realize that I wanted to. I thought I was doing this because I had to. Usually when you think of wanting something, you think of good stuff, like Christmas presents and ice cream cones and hugs from your dad.
    Oh, yeah. I forgot.
    That’s what started this whole thing to begin with. I wanted a hug from my dad. And I knew that if God wasn’t real, I would never get another one.
    My heart began to hurt again.
    It seemed like the most hopeless, hardest thing I’d ever done before. And sometimes at night when I woke up from a dream and got a drink of