want me to do? With this space alien? This Jeannie Nitro?”
“Get rid of her.”
“I’m no hit man, Grovers.”
“Just get her out of my life one way or the other.”
“You had sex yet?”
“You mean today?”
“I mean, with her .”
“No.”
“You got a place of residence on this bimbo? Phone number? Occupation? Tattoo? Hobby? Peculiar habits?”
“Only the last…”
“Like what?”
“Like she floats through the ceiling and all that.”
“Grovers, you’re crazy. You don’t need me, you need a shrink.”
“I’ve been to the shrinks.”
“And what do they say?”
“Nothing. Only they charge more than 6 dollars an hour.”
“What do they charge?”
“One-hundred-seventy-five dollars an hour.”
“That proves you’re crazy.”
“Why?”
“Anybody pays that has got to be crazy.”
Then we just sat there looking at each other. It seemed pretty dumb. I was trying to think. My temples hurt.
Then the door swung open. And in walked this woman. Now all that I can tell you is that there are billions of women on earth, right?
Some look all right. Most look pretty good. But every now and then nature pulls a wild trick, she puts together a special woman, an unbelievable woman. I mean, you look and you can’t believe.
Everything is perfect undulating motion, quicksilver, snake-like, you see an ankle, you see an elbow, you see a breast, you see a knee, it all melds into a giant, taunting totality, with such beautiful eyes smiling, the mouth turned down a bit, the lips held there as if they were about to burst into laughter over your helplessness. And they know how to dress and their long hair burns the air. Too goddamned much.
Grovers stood up.
“Jeannie!”
She glided into the room like a strip teaser on roller skates. She paused before us as the walls trembled. She looked at Grovers.
“Hal, what are you doing with this 2nd rate dick?”
“Hey, hold it, bitch!” I said.
“Well, Jeannie, I got a little problem and I thought I might seek some help.”
“Help? From who?”
“Can’t say. Cat’s got my tongue.”
“Hal, you’ve got no problem as long as you have me. I can do anything better than this 2nd rate dick.”
I stood up. I was standing up anyhow.
“Yeah, wench? Let’s see you get a 7 inch hard-on.”
“Sexist pig!”
“See, I gotcha, gotcha !”
Jeannie wallowed about the room a bit, driving us all mad. Then she swung around. Looked at Grovers.
“Come here, dog! Crawl across the floor toward me! Now!”
“ Don’t do it, Hal !” I screamed.
“Huh?”
He was crawling across the floor toward Jeannie. He got closer and closer. He crawled up to her feet, then stopped.
“Now,” she said, “lick the toes of my shoes with your tongue!”
Grovers did it. He licked away. He kept going. Jeannie looked at me and smirked. A real smirking smirk. I couldn’t handle it.
I leaped up.
“YOU FUCKING WHORE!” I screamed.
I unbuckled my belt, slipped it from my pants, walked around the desk with the belt doubled up.
“You fucking whore,” I said, “I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR ASS!”
I rushed toward her. What was left of my soul quivered in a joyous excitement. Her miraculous buns blazed in my mind. Heaven turned upside-down and quivered.
“Drop that belt, jerkoff,” she said, snapping her fingers.
The belt dropped out of my hand. I stood frozen.
She turned to Grovers.
“Come on, silly boy, get up off your knees. We are leaving this stupid place.”
“Yes, darling.”
Grovers got up and followed her to the door, it opened, closed and they were gone. I still couldn’t move. The bitch must have used a ray gun on me. And I was still frozen. Maybe I had chosen the wrong profession? After about twenty minutes I began to feel a tingling all through my body. Then I found that I could move my eyebrows. Next my mouth.
“God damn it,” I said.
Then the other parts began to gradually loosen up. Finally I took one step. Two steps. Then more steps, toward
“Get rid of her.”
“I’m no hit man, Grovers.”
“Just get her out of my life one way or the other.”
“You had sex yet?”
“You mean today?”
“I mean, with her .”
“No.”
“You got a place of residence on this bimbo? Phone number? Occupation? Tattoo? Hobby? Peculiar habits?”
“Only the last…”
“Like what?”
“Like she floats through the ceiling and all that.”
“Grovers, you’re crazy. You don’t need me, you need a shrink.”
“I’ve been to the shrinks.”
“And what do they say?”
“Nothing. Only they charge more than 6 dollars an hour.”
“What do they charge?”
“One-hundred-seventy-five dollars an hour.”
“That proves you’re crazy.”
“Why?”
“Anybody pays that has got to be crazy.”
Then we just sat there looking at each other. It seemed pretty dumb. I was trying to think. My temples hurt.
Then the door swung open. And in walked this woman. Now all that I can tell you is that there are billions of women on earth, right?
Some look all right. Most look pretty good. But every now and then nature pulls a wild trick, she puts together a special woman, an unbelievable woman. I mean, you look and you can’t believe.
Everything is perfect undulating motion, quicksilver, snake-like, you see an ankle, you see an elbow, you see a breast, you see a knee, it all melds into a giant, taunting totality, with such beautiful eyes smiling, the mouth turned down a bit, the lips held there as if they were about to burst into laughter over your helplessness. And they know how to dress and their long hair burns the air. Too goddamned much.
Grovers stood up.
“Jeannie!”
She glided into the room like a strip teaser on roller skates. She paused before us as the walls trembled. She looked at Grovers.
“Hal, what are you doing with this 2nd rate dick?”
“Hey, hold it, bitch!” I said.
“Well, Jeannie, I got a little problem and I thought I might seek some help.”
“Help? From who?”
“Can’t say. Cat’s got my tongue.”
“Hal, you’ve got no problem as long as you have me. I can do anything better than this 2nd rate dick.”
I stood up. I was standing up anyhow.
“Yeah, wench? Let’s see you get a 7 inch hard-on.”
“Sexist pig!”
“See, I gotcha, gotcha !”
Jeannie wallowed about the room a bit, driving us all mad. Then she swung around. Looked at Grovers.
“Come here, dog! Crawl across the floor toward me! Now!”
“ Don’t do it, Hal !” I screamed.
“Huh?”
He was crawling across the floor toward Jeannie. He got closer and closer. He crawled up to her feet, then stopped.
“Now,” she said, “lick the toes of my shoes with your tongue!”
Grovers did it. He licked away. He kept going. Jeannie looked at me and smirked. A real smirking smirk. I couldn’t handle it.
I leaped up.
“YOU FUCKING WHORE!” I screamed.
I unbuckled my belt, slipped it from my pants, walked around the desk with the belt doubled up.
“You fucking whore,” I said, “I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR ASS!”
I rushed toward her. What was left of my soul quivered in a joyous excitement. Her miraculous buns blazed in my mind. Heaven turned upside-down and quivered.
“Drop that belt, jerkoff,” she said, snapping her fingers.
The belt dropped out of my hand. I stood frozen.
She turned to Grovers.
“Come on, silly boy, get up off your knees. We are leaving this stupid place.”
“Yes, darling.”
Grovers got up and followed her to the door, it opened, closed and they were gone. I still couldn’t move. The bitch must have used a ray gun on me. And I was still frozen. Maybe I had chosen the wrong profession? After about twenty minutes I began to feel a tingling all through my body. Then I found that I could move my eyebrows. Next my mouth.
“God damn it,” I said.
Then the other parts began to gradually loosen up. Finally I took one step. Two steps. Then more steps, toward
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