other’s room. But he mainly made me come to his. The house was huge. Things…sexually…went further each night. And some people thought he forced me. But he didn’t. I wanted it too. When he touched me, I had never felt like that before, and he made me feel like we were ok. He taught me things. Things to do. Things not to do. Then one night when I was in his room, Tracy walked in. Suddenly it was my entire fault. I was a disturbed little girl according to her. How could you possibly have sex with your stepbrother? Everything that I thought was ok and felt right was demonized. And as quick as that, he was sent back to live with his father. Tracy divorced my dad because my dad took my side.”
I made a mental note to thank her father…buy that guy a beer.
“But after she left, he started treating me differently. I think he was angry at me for allowing it to happen…maybe not blaming me but… He was lonely after she left and I think he really loved her. So then I started blaming myself for the ripple effect that my actions caused. ”
Fuck the beer. He wasn’t getting jack shit from me.
“Kate was there through it all. The medication she referred to the other day—an antianxiety/antidepressant.” She rolled her eyes and nibbled on her thumbnail. “I was a basket of nerves after. Being judged by people that knew. I was the girl who had sex with her brother ,” she said and her little chin quivered and gigantic teardrops rolled down her cheeks, but it was as if she wasn’t crying. She seemed detached. “I’ve gotten off of it before but sometimes I get back on it if I’m struggling. I haven’t taken it since that morning you came by.”
No longer able to resist, I slowly pulled her into my chest. Elation flooded through me when she didn’t resist.
“Do you think he was in the wrong?” I asked softly.
She shrugged. “My therapist for a year asked me that over and over. I don’t think I thought so at the time, but he was…” She lowered her head and shook her head.
“He was what?” I asked.
Her eyes narrowed. “I’m going to say this and I don’t want to talk about it any further, kay?”
I nodded and prayed I could hold up to this.
“He was…rough,” she whispered. “And I didn’t really know another way. He was my first and, well, I just didn’t know.”
Old Faithful spewing forcefully out of the ground was what I thought my head was going to do. That was the last thing I expected her to say. So, he had hurt her. Muther Fucker! Control. Composure. Hurt him…not her. My foot started wagging while resting on my other ankle to release the building tension.
“And even now, you don’t see that he was in the wrong?” I asked.
She shrugged and teetered her head back and forth like she was considering it.
“He was 19 Camden. You were 15,” I said quietly not wanting to rock the boat.
She sat upright, away from me, and I hated that distance.
“I know, Will. I had turned 16.”
“Do you ever talk to him now?”
“Before his mother changed his cell number, I texted him and asked what happens now? He texted back and said,” her voice broke and she covered her face with her hands. “I’d like for you to wait and not be with others so maybe someday we could try again. So...”
“You waited…” I said and contemplated in my head if I would actually kill Max or just cripple him.
She nodded. “When I came to KU, that was my fresh start. No one knew. Kate was going to help find me a man. But every guy I dated, I froze when he touched me. I became this frigid cold bitch. I couldn’t trust. How do you believe what someone is saying? Then Max showed up.”
“Here?”
“Yes. Usually makes a semi-annual appearance.”
I shot upright while a roar festered deep inside me. I was ready to piss on her to stake my claim. Trying to maintain even an ounce of composure, I got myself another beer.
“What does he want?”
“He wants to know if I’ve been with anyone. Last time
I made a mental note to thank her father…buy that guy a beer.
“But after she left, he started treating me differently. I think he was angry at me for allowing it to happen…maybe not blaming me but… He was lonely after she left and I think he really loved her. So then I started blaming myself for the ripple effect that my actions caused. ”
Fuck the beer. He wasn’t getting jack shit from me.
“Kate was there through it all. The medication she referred to the other day—an antianxiety/antidepressant.” She rolled her eyes and nibbled on her thumbnail. “I was a basket of nerves after. Being judged by people that knew. I was the girl who had sex with her brother ,” she said and her little chin quivered and gigantic teardrops rolled down her cheeks, but it was as if she wasn’t crying. She seemed detached. “I’ve gotten off of it before but sometimes I get back on it if I’m struggling. I haven’t taken it since that morning you came by.”
No longer able to resist, I slowly pulled her into my chest. Elation flooded through me when she didn’t resist.
“Do you think he was in the wrong?” I asked softly.
She shrugged. “My therapist for a year asked me that over and over. I don’t think I thought so at the time, but he was…” She lowered her head and shook her head.
“He was what?” I asked.
Her eyes narrowed. “I’m going to say this and I don’t want to talk about it any further, kay?”
I nodded and prayed I could hold up to this.
“He was…rough,” she whispered. “And I didn’t really know another way. He was my first and, well, I just didn’t know.”
Old Faithful spewing forcefully out of the ground was what I thought my head was going to do. That was the last thing I expected her to say. So, he had hurt her. Muther Fucker! Control. Composure. Hurt him…not her. My foot started wagging while resting on my other ankle to release the building tension.
“And even now, you don’t see that he was in the wrong?” I asked.
She shrugged and teetered her head back and forth like she was considering it.
“He was 19 Camden. You were 15,” I said quietly not wanting to rock the boat.
She sat upright, away from me, and I hated that distance.
“I know, Will. I had turned 16.”
“Do you ever talk to him now?”
“Before his mother changed his cell number, I texted him and asked what happens now? He texted back and said,” her voice broke and she covered her face with her hands. “I’d like for you to wait and not be with others so maybe someday we could try again. So...”
“You waited…” I said and contemplated in my head if I would actually kill Max or just cripple him.
She nodded. “When I came to KU, that was my fresh start. No one knew. Kate was going to help find me a man. But every guy I dated, I froze when he touched me. I became this frigid cold bitch. I couldn’t trust. How do you believe what someone is saying? Then Max showed up.”
“Here?”
“Yes. Usually makes a semi-annual appearance.”
I shot upright while a roar festered deep inside me. I was ready to piss on her to stake my claim. Trying to maintain even an ounce of composure, I got myself another beer.
“What does he want?”
“He wants to know if I’ve been with anyone. Last time
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