Quirks & Kinks by Laurel Ulen Curtis

I’d be.
    It only took five seconds for my new zen outlook to evaporate.
    Wandering fingers descended the line of my side, and then, after only a brief pause, sought the inside of my thighs, brushing against the apex and making me jump enough to break the scene completely.
    “Cut!”
    Thankful for the reprieve, even if it meant I was the cause of the screw-up, I jumped to my feet and turned to face my offender.
    “Touch me again and I’m going to slice a mouth into your penis, cut off your balls, and then feed them to it like a game of fucking Hungry Hungry Hippos.”
    “Howie,” I heard Larry call. “Let me know when you’re done here. I need to see Ryder in his dressing room.”
    “We’re done,” he responded, making me turn to him in question.
    He shook his head slightly before looking to Ryder.
    “Your dressing room with Larry. Go now.”
    After one last lingering dirty look, Ryder was gone and so were the others. Left with nothing to do and no one to ask for answers, I followed them off the set, headed for my dressing room right across the hall from Ryder’s.

“VIEWERS DON’T THINK YOU’RE genuine, Ryder.” I could just make out Larry’s muffled voice through the door.
    Of course, Ryder’s screaming reply was much easier to hear clearly. “Fucking genuine? I’m pretending to be someone else!”
    Uncomfortable listening, I cringed, turning away from the door and running straight into Howie. His face was knowing but not censorious. If anything, he looked mildly amused.
    Still, I felt the need to defend myself.
    “Howie! I was just—”
    “Eavesdropping.”
    My shoulders slumped in defeat. “Yeah.”
    His lips curled into a smile and slightly coffee-stained teeth dug into his bottom lip before coughing out one dry chuckle. “It’s okay, Easie. The viewers don’t like him, sure, but neither do I.”
    “You don’t?” I questioned as innocently as possible. I hadn’t said one word to anyone about my run-ins with Ryder. I didn’t want to start problems. Now that I’d started to get money, I didn’t think the show was such a joke anymore.
    “Easie,” he said softly, shaking his head. “I hear everything he says to you. The microphones pick it up.”
    As I thought back to all the things Ryder had said, my cheeks heated with embarrassment. Howie noticed.
    “Don’t be embarrassed,” he commanded softly. “Listen, he’s been harassing you, plain and simple. If I’d thought you couldn’t handle yourself or he’d put you in a truly uncomfortable place, I would have done something about it sooner. These first few shows are really important for the future of the show—”
    “Howie, I understand. I would never expect you to—”
    “Easie. Let me finish.”
    I gave him a nod of understanding and a prompt to continue.
    “As I said, the first few shows are important for the future of the show, but I know that the future of the show is important for you. That said, so is maintaining a professional environment. Especially on a show that walks such a thin line with subject matter like this one does. That’s why when Larry approached me about the viewership statistics and Ryder’s unfavorable perception in our own viewer survey, I agreed wholeheartedly that it was time to give the asshole the boot.”
    I couldn’t stop a small grateful smile from creeping onto my face. I’d been in this business for seven years now, and I’d never met someone this honest and ethical. Howie really was like a Hollywood version of dear old dad.
    “But I’ll be honest,” he whispered conspiratorially, “I was kind of enjoying listening to you put him in his place.” He paused and smirked just slightly. “ Creatively. ”
    The sound of wood splintering rang out like a gunshot as the door to Ryder’s dressing room swung open and slammed into the wall no more than a foot from my body.
    Instinctively, I jumped away, bumping into Howie and nearly knocking him down. I bent to help him recover, but didn’t