Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss by Walter Knight, James Boedeker

mano . No one worked alone in the field better than Telk.
    Telk hunted a vicious Russian sniper known only as the Phantom. Twice the Phantom had taken a shot at Telk, and twice missed. The close call grated on both snipers. Accustomed to one shot , one kill, the notorious Phantom stalked Telk incessantly. Telk sensed the Phantom ’ s frustration.
    Through his scope, Telk scanned potential hiding places in the rubble and burned - out buildings of no man ’ s land . Quickly Telk located the perfect hide. Telk had a natural ability to anticipate and identify the enemy ’ s patterns. The only high vantage point left after the bombings was the sixth floor view from an old burned - out bookstore overlooking a wide plaza. That ’ s where the Phantom must be waiting , Telk assured himself.
    Telk patiently watched through his scope. Movement in the window! Telk fired a two round burst, then rolled to cover. Telk made his way to the stairway, finding a blood trail. Yes! The Phantom is mine now! Telk was determined to take the Phantom alive if possible . He heard rustling in the next room. I ’ ll dress the Phantom up in a green suit and bow-tie, and make him live in my garden!
    “ Surrender! ” ordered Telk, readying a grenade. “ For you , the war is over. Accept your fate! ”
    “ Do not shoot, my worthy adversary! ” called out a heavily accented female Russian voice. “ I am yours, do with me as you will! ”
    “ Put your hands over your head! ”
    Yolanda Olga Romanov a was a magnificently tall green - eyed beauty of Amazon build. She limped past the doorway, hands up, bleeding from glass fragments across her face and neck. She managed a slight smile and a shrug. “ I know from movies that all Americans are rich and handsome, but I had no idea they were so hot in person, ” gushed Yolanda.
    Telk frisked Yolanda thoroughly for weapons. Each pat of his hand made Yolanda moan with excitement. “ Are you in pain? ” asked Telk, cupping her breasts. No knives there, but the search continued down her backside. “ I have morphine. ”
    “ I do not need no stinking morphine, ” advised Yolanda, pouting. “ I know of you, Sergeant Telk. I know of your three-hundred-ninety-six steps to sexual bliss. You will teach me all you know, and Randal ’ s Big Bang Theory, too. ”
    “ Risk the Big Bang Theory falling into the hands of the Russians? ” scoffed Telk, nibbling on Yolanda ’ s neck to remove a shard of glass with his teeth. Step one complete. “ No way can I risk that. You will have to come back to Detroit with me. ”
    “ Defect? ” asked Yolanda as Telk skipped ahead to step thirty-four . “ Yes! I will defect, and come to America, to your Motorized City! Take me, my rich handsome American imperialist big dog. Make me your capitalist bitch. I want credit cards and community property. I want to shop at your Walmart. I want to shave my legs, but most of all, I want that lovely Kentucky Jelly! ”
    “ Never heard of Kentucky Jelly, ” answered Telk, alarmed. “ What ’ s that? ”
    “ Do no try to hold out on me, ” demanded Yolanda, stomping her foot down hard, pointing to her internet iPhone screen. “ I did not just fall off your American turnip truck. ”
    Sure enough, KY Jelly. “ As much as you want, ” promised Telk. “ Our federal government has an endless supply. ”
     
    * * * * *
     
    A squad was detailed to check out the dead snipers. Private Telk found their bunker. Fresh armadillo meat was still cooking on a grill. Life on the Frontier , mused Telk, under the stars, killing your own food, no more neighbors, no more MREs. That ’ s the life for me, under that big blue Montana sky...
     
    * * * * *
     
    Randal Grizzly Telk faced the hungry grizzly bear and its whiny snot-nosed cub. Backed against a cliff, Telk made mamma bear an offer she c ould n ’ t refuse . “B ack off, or I turn your ankle - biter cub into my next hat. ” Mamma Bear arrogantly reared up and charged. Telk,