“I can’t.”
“Why?” she asked in frustration. “Is this really what you want to do with your life?”
Just like that, she was being sucked back in. Just like that, she was back to caring about him in a painful, all-consuming way. She realized right then and there that she had never stopped caring, no matter what lies she had told herself. She didn’t know how to stop. She had never known how to stop.
“It’s not about what I want,” Xavier said. “I have obligations.”
“To whom?” Alyssa cried in disbelief. “A bunch of bike-riding criminals?”
“No.”
She shut her mouth then and stared at him. He had spoken quietly, and that quiet had thrown her. She was expecting him to defend his lifestyle fiercely and hotly, but he didn’t. It wasn’t fierceness that was making his eyes even darker than they had been before. It was resignation, the hopeless kind that leaves you with nothing but a dead end.
Alyssa’s stomach clenched in concern and sudden panic. “What do you mean, no?” she asked in a much gentler tone. “Whom do you have obligations to?” She paled as a sudden thought struck her. “Oh my God,” she said, her voice choked. Of course. How could she have been so stupid? Did she really think he had not moved on with his life? “You have someone, don’t you? A woman? Maybe…a child?”
“What?” He looked at her like she had suddenly gone mad. “Do I look like a family man?” He shook his head. “You’ve watched too much Sons of Anarchy , Alyssa. There is no child.” He hesitated. “There is no woman either.”
“Oh.” Alyssa couldn’t have said why, but the news filled her with immense relief. (Or rather, she knew exactly why, but she was never going to admit it.) “Who, then?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Xavier said dismissively. “Suffice it to say, I can’t just up and leave.”
“I don’t understand,” Alyssa admitted.
He gave her a sad smile. “I know you don’t. You never understood.”
And just like that, the rage was back. Alyssa glared openly at him. “You couldn’t really have expected me to.”
“It was never about you,” he said. “You took it personally, but—”
“How else was I supposed to take it?” Alyssa said in disbelief. “It was me you turned your back on! And while we’re at it, what about your obligations to me ? Didn’t they matter to you?”
She knew she shouldn’t be doing this. This was not the place—and most importantly—this was not the time. It had been eight years ago. There was really no point even bringing it up. Then again, it was their very own elephant in the room and ignoring it would have been impossible.
“They mattered,” Xavier said, his voice quiet once again. It seemed like the angrier Alyssa got, the quiet Xavier went. “ You mattered.”
Alyssa couldn’t help the loud snort that escaped her. “Clearly, I didn’t matter enough.”
He sighed. “Do you really want to do this? After eight years?”
“What, you think that because it happened eight years ago, it doesn’t count anymore?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
Xavier took a deep breath. “I’m saying, it’s been eight years. Perhaps we would both be better off if we just started from scratch.”
Alyssa looked at him in disbelief. Who was this man? Who was this man who thought that he could knock at her door eight years after shattering her heart and expect it not to matter anymore? Who was this man who did not realize that her heart was still in pieces?
“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said. “It doesn’t work like that.” She really was sorry. She really wished it would work like that.
“Then, how does it work?”
Alyssa sighed. “It doesn’t,” she admitted. She knew that now; it wouldn’t work. It couldn’t work. She couldn’t do this; it was too hard. “You should
“Why?” she asked in frustration. “Is this really what you want to do with your life?”
Just like that, she was being sucked back in. Just like that, she was back to caring about him in a painful, all-consuming way. She realized right then and there that she had never stopped caring, no matter what lies she had told herself. She didn’t know how to stop. She had never known how to stop.
“It’s not about what I want,” Xavier said. “I have obligations.”
“To whom?” Alyssa cried in disbelief. “A bunch of bike-riding criminals?”
“No.”
She shut her mouth then and stared at him. He had spoken quietly, and that quiet had thrown her. She was expecting him to defend his lifestyle fiercely and hotly, but he didn’t. It wasn’t fierceness that was making his eyes even darker than they had been before. It was resignation, the hopeless kind that leaves you with nothing but a dead end.
Alyssa’s stomach clenched in concern and sudden panic. “What do you mean, no?” she asked in a much gentler tone. “Whom do you have obligations to?” She paled as a sudden thought struck her. “Oh my God,” she said, her voice choked. Of course. How could she have been so stupid? Did she really think he had not moved on with his life? “You have someone, don’t you? A woman? Maybe…a child?”
“What?” He looked at her like she had suddenly gone mad. “Do I look like a family man?” He shook his head. “You’ve watched too much Sons of Anarchy , Alyssa. There is no child.” He hesitated. “There is no woman either.”
“Oh.” Alyssa couldn’t have said why, but the news filled her with immense relief. (Or rather, she knew exactly why, but she was never going to admit it.) “Who, then?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Xavier said dismissively. “Suffice it to say, I can’t just up and leave.”
“I don’t understand,” Alyssa admitted.
He gave her a sad smile. “I know you don’t. You never understood.”
And just like that, the rage was back. Alyssa glared openly at him. “You couldn’t really have expected me to.”
“It was never about you,” he said. “You took it personally, but—”
“How else was I supposed to take it?” Alyssa said in disbelief. “It was me you turned your back on! And while we’re at it, what about your obligations to me ? Didn’t they matter to you?”
She knew she shouldn’t be doing this. This was not the place—and most importantly—this was not the time. It had been eight years ago. There was really no point even bringing it up. Then again, it was their very own elephant in the room and ignoring it would have been impossible.
“They mattered,” Xavier said, his voice quiet once again. It seemed like the angrier Alyssa got, the quiet Xavier went. “ You mattered.”
Alyssa couldn’t help the loud snort that escaped her. “Clearly, I didn’t matter enough.”
He sighed. “Do you really want to do this? After eight years?”
“What, you think that because it happened eight years ago, it doesn’t count anymore?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
Xavier took a deep breath. “I’m saying, it’s been eight years. Perhaps we would both be better off if we just started from scratch.”
Alyssa looked at him in disbelief. Who was this man? Who was this man who thought that he could knock at her door eight years after shattering her heart and expect it not to matter anymore? Who was this man who did not realize that her heart was still in pieces?
“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said. “It doesn’t work like that.” She really was sorry. She really wished it would work like that.
“Then, how does it work?”
Alyssa sighed. “It doesn’t,” she admitted. She knew that now; it wouldn’t work. It couldn’t work. She couldn’t do this; it was too hard. “You should
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