the pillow that's been lodged under my hip to keep the lower part of my half-leg from hanging. "Well, we're ready to attach the prep to your stump."
I flinch. I cannot stand that word. I will not use it.
Nina knows I've tensed up. "I'm sorry. That's not the best word to use, is it?"
I don't respond, but Nina gives my thigh a rub.
"Let's get you upright." My metal leg is attached, and she helps to pull me out of my chair.
I'm standing on this plastic-looking foot that is attached to what looks like a metal paper towel tube. It's hideous, and I'm about to break down again. My breathing becomes forced, and I feel my heart pounding. I can't do this. I can't do this. How can you expect me to live like this for the rest of my life?
"Rose," Nina says calmly, holding on to my shoulders. "You got this. Don't break down on me again. Come on, this is temporary. Your real leg, it's gonna be prettier, I promise."
Prettier? Really? No.
"Please, honey," she begs again.
I lift my hands to grab onto her arms, and I squeeze. Please don't let me fall.
10
BEN
"Okay, kid, looks like you don't need that chair anymore."
"Thank heavens."
"But you do need to rest your leg quite a bit during the day," Craig continues. "I wanna see you sitting on that couch in there with your leg up. But I'm gonna keep your brace unlocked from now on. You're recovering nicely."
"Thanks."
"How's that pain, though?"
"It comes and goes."
"Still a shooting pain?"
I nod. "Yup."
"Hmmm." He pauses, looking worried.
"Craig?"
"We'll just keep an eye on it. I want you to schedule an MRI, though. Just to be safe."
"Okay, sure."
Craig continues to push me to my limited limits, and I have to laugh at myself. I'm on a treadmill, walking two miles per hour. If my teammates saw me now, they'd tear me up. "Will I ever be able to run again?" I ask Craig, half joking.
"Of course." He laughs. "One step at a time, Ben. We can't speed up the process. We want you like new again, and that's gonna take a little time."
"I guess." I continue on the treadmill another twenty minutes before Craig pats me on the back and tells me it's time for stretching. About ten different stretches later, I'm told to take a walk around the building and then get lunch.
I'm not sure how I feel about walking around the building. Especially since Johnny can't. Don't get me wrong, I like standing on my own two feet, but I almost feel as if just by being able to walk around, I'd be rubbing it in to my friend who may never be able to walk again. When I met him, we were on level playing ground, so to speak. I feel guilty that I no longer need my chair.
At my usual lunch time, since I no longer need anyone to help me retrieve my lunch, I go to the cafeteria and get my food to go. As uncomfortable as I am to walk in front of Johnny, I enjoy sitting with him and don't want to give that up. He's one of the coolest guys I know, and I'm grateful to have met him. So I bring my lunch to the rec room and hope that he's just as cool with me being on my two feet permanently.
When I walk into the rec room holding my lunch, the first one to look my way is Johnny. He's already sitting with Marti. "Whoa, Ben. Look at you," he exclaims loudly. "Is that for good or just a little reprieve?" he asks when I'm at the table.
Setting my tray down on the table, I pull out my chair and sit across from him. "It's for good."
"Awesome." And he genuinely looks happy for me.
"Hi, Marti."
"Hi, Ben."
"Dude, you wanna watch a movie tonight?" I ask Johnny. "Lou was telling me we're not confined to our rooms at night." Usually I spend the evenings reading Sports Illustrated or some baseball book, but I feel like doing something different tonight.
"That'd be cool. I'm usually so beat, I'm sleeping by the time you get done with your last session, but I'll try to stay up tonight."
"No, don't worry about it. Was just an idea."
"I want to. I'll tell Jack not to put me to bed tonight."
"Cool." I eat my lunch
I flinch. I cannot stand that word. I will not use it.
Nina knows I've tensed up. "I'm sorry. That's not the best word to use, is it?"
I don't respond, but Nina gives my thigh a rub.
"Let's get you upright." My metal leg is attached, and she helps to pull me out of my chair.
I'm standing on this plastic-looking foot that is attached to what looks like a metal paper towel tube. It's hideous, and I'm about to break down again. My breathing becomes forced, and I feel my heart pounding. I can't do this. I can't do this. How can you expect me to live like this for the rest of my life?
"Rose," Nina says calmly, holding on to my shoulders. "You got this. Don't break down on me again. Come on, this is temporary. Your real leg, it's gonna be prettier, I promise."
Prettier? Really? No.
"Please, honey," she begs again.
I lift my hands to grab onto her arms, and I squeeze. Please don't let me fall.
10
BEN
"Okay, kid, looks like you don't need that chair anymore."
"Thank heavens."
"But you do need to rest your leg quite a bit during the day," Craig continues. "I wanna see you sitting on that couch in there with your leg up. But I'm gonna keep your brace unlocked from now on. You're recovering nicely."
"Thanks."
"How's that pain, though?"
"It comes and goes."
"Still a shooting pain?"
I nod. "Yup."
"Hmmm." He pauses, looking worried.
"Craig?"
"We'll just keep an eye on it. I want you to schedule an MRI, though. Just to be safe."
"Okay, sure."
Craig continues to push me to my limited limits, and I have to laugh at myself. I'm on a treadmill, walking two miles per hour. If my teammates saw me now, they'd tear me up. "Will I ever be able to run again?" I ask Craig, half joking.
"Of course." He laughs. "One step at a time, Ben. We can't speed up the process. We want you like new again, and that's gonna take a little time."
"I guess." I continue on the treadmill another twenty minutes before Craig pats me on the back and tells me it's time for stretching. About ten different stretches later, I'm told to take a walk around the building and then get lunch.
I'm not sure how I feel about walking around the building. Especially since Johnny can't. Don't get me wrong, I like standing on my own two feet, but I almost feel as if just by being able to walk around, I'd be rubbing it in to my friend who may never be able to walk again. When I met him, we were on level playing ground, so to speak. I feel guilty that I no longer need my chair.
At my usual lunch time, since I no longer need anyone to help me retrieve my lunch, I go to the cafeteria and get my food to go. As uncomfortable as I am to walk in front of Johnny, I enjoy sitting with him and don't want to give that up. He's one of the coolest guys I know, and I'm grateful to have met him. So I bring my lunch to the rec room and hope that he's just as cool with me being on my two feet permanently.
When I walk into the rec room holding my lunch, the first one to look my way is Johnny. He's already sitting with Marti. "Whoa, Ben. Look at you," he exclaims loudly. "Is that for good or just a little reprieve?" he asks when I'm at the table.
Setting my tray down on the table, I pull out my chair and sit across from him. "It's for good."
"Awesome." And he genuinely looks happy for me.
"Hi, Marti."
"Hi, Ben."
"Dude, you wanna watch a movie tonight?" I ask Johnny. "Lou was telling me we're not confined to our rooms at night." Usually I spend the evenings reading Sports Illustrated or some baseball book, but I feel like doing something different tonight.
"That'd be cool. I'm usually so beat, I'm sleeping by the time you get done with your last session, but I'll try to stay up tonight."
"No, don't worry about it. Was just an idea."
"I want to. I'll tell Jack not to put me to bed tonight."
"Cool." I eat my lunch
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