honestly? Mommy isn’t super psyched about shopping at Lane Bryant, but until she loses this baby weight she doesn’t have a lot of options. On weekends, she can get away with wearing the same Banana Republic Factory Store maxidress over and over again, but during the week her coworkers are subjected to a fashion-show Groundhog Day as she rotates five business-passable outfits like days-of-the-week underwear. Speaking of underwear, poor Daddy. Her lingerie drawer is full of threadbare Victoria’s Secret, except for the one red thong from last Valentine’s Day that still has the tags on it. Daddy can dream.
INGREDIENTS
1 ounce Irish cream
1 ounce crème de cacao
INSTRUCTIONS
Pour over a scoop (or a whole pint) of vanilla ice cream.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Before you were born, Mommy and Daddy were living like assholes. Two thriving careers and no kids meant lavish dinners out, resorts with swim-up bars, and ironic hats. The financial meltdown began with all the crud Mommy had to buy for you that you really didn’t need, like the forty-seven newborn Onesies you outgrew on day two and every Fisher-Price contraption ever invented. Maternity leave’s nosedive into the red was only outdone by the euro debt crisis. She’s suddenly found herself more broke than when she worked as an intern and lived off canned corn but without the benefit of creepy old men paying for her drinks. Even though she’s now back to work, the cost of child care alone means she’s barely able to claw her way back to solvency. If only some distant relative would materialize out of nowhere to bail her out with a multimillion-dollar inheritance, she could finally fix the GODDAMNED LEAKY BASEMENT. Or at least buy a decent pair of non-elastic-waist pants.
INGREDIENTS
1 ounce melon liqueur
1 ounce lemon vodka
3 ounces cranberry juice
Splash of coconut water
INSTRUCTIONS
Fill a disposable cup (if you can afford one) with ice. Pour in all the ingredients and stir.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
For the attractive, single crowd, Sunday brunch is held around 1 PM . However, family-friendly brunch, where the restaurant is overrun with screaming children and nary an awkward one-night stand is in sight, is at 9 AM . Mommy is starving by then, having been up since the crack of stupid, but at least at that hour there are fewer hipsters giving her the stink eye. Actually, the only person there with a hangover is the waiter/drama major who looks like he wants to off himself. Mommy can smell last night’s rye and ginger seeping out of his pores. (And for a split second she is actually tempted to lick his arm just to get a taste of last night’s shenanigans. God, she needs to get out more.) At first you are well-behaved as Failed Actor performs his obligatory, “Oh how cute, do you want a mimosa little man? Ha ha ha” routine, but before Mommy even gets a hit of caffeine you’re flinging rice cakes, or you’re smashing the bread plate, or you’ve taken an epic shit. Mommy is determined to finish her Eggs Florentine, and it’s Romper Room hour right now anyway, so she apologizes profusely and endures the “you-are-tipping-me-30-percent” death glare. And she does, even though she’s 100 percent sure he spit in her home fries.
INGREDIENTS
1 ounce vodka
½ ounce crème de cacao
1 ounce hot espresso
Frothy, warm milk
Freshly grated nutmeg
INSTRUCTIONS
In a mug, combine the vodka, crème de cacao, and hot espresso with the milk. Dust with nutmeg and irony.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
As if the role of parent wasn’t already a full-time gig, for the first time in her life Mommy is now also expected to wear the hats of Easter Bunny, Halloween Witch, and Santa Claus. Given these milestones will most likely be erased from your young memory before Mommy’s paid the resulting Visa bill, the endgame of these momentous first holidays is to capture the perfect photo. Unfortunately for all mankind, they involve you perched in a pumpkin
INGREDIENTS
1 ounce Irish cream
1 ounce crème de cacao
INSTRUCTIONS
Pour over a scoop (or a whole pint) of vanilla ice cream.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Before you were born, Mommy and Daddy were living like assholes. Two thriving careers and no kids meant lavish dinners out, resorts with swim-up bars, and ironic hats. The financial meltdown began with all the crud Mommy had to buy for you that you really didn’t need, like the forty-seven newborn Onesies you outgrew on day two and every Fisher-Price contraption ever invented. Maternity leave’s nosedive into the red was only outdone by the euro debt crisis. She’s suddenly found herself more broke than when she worked as an intern and lived off canned corn but without the benefit of creepy old men paying for her drinks. Even though she’s now back to work, the cost of child care alone means she’s barely able to claw her way back to solvency. If only some distant relative would materialize out of nowhere to bail her out with a multimillion-dollar inheritance, she could finally fix the GODDAMNED LEAKY BASEMENT. Or at least buy a decent pair of non-elastic-waist pants.
INGREDIENTS
1 ounce melon liqueur
1 ounce lemon vodka
3 ounces cranberry juice
Splash of coconut water
INSTRUCTIONS
Fill a disposable cup (if you can afford one) with ice. Pour in all the ingredients and stir.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
For the attractive, single crowd, Sunday brunch is held around 1 PM . However, family-friendly brunch, where the restaurant is overrun with screaming children and nary an awkward one-night stand is in sight, is at 9 AM . Mommy is starving by then, having been up since the crack of stupid, but at least at that hour there are fewer hipsters giving her the stink eye. Actually, the only person there with a hangover is the waiter/drama major who looks like he wants to off himself. Mommy can smell last night’s rye and ginger seeping out of his pores. (And for a split second she is actually tempted to lick his arm just to get a taste of last night’s shenanigans. God, she needs to get out more.) At first you are well-behaved as Failed Actor performs his obligatory, “Oh how cute, do you want a mimosa little man? Ha ha ha” routine, but before Mommy even gets a hit of caffeine you’re flinging rice cakes, or you’re smashing the bread plate, or you’ve taken an epic shit. Mommy is determined to finish her Eggs Florentine, and it’s Romper Room hour right now anyway, so she apologizes profusely and endures the “you-are-tipping-me-30-percent” death glare. And she does, even though she’s 100 percent sure he spit in her home fries.
INGREDIENTS
1 ounce vodka
½ ounce crème de cacao
1 ounce hot espresso
Frothy, warm milk
Freshly grated nutmeg
INSTRUCTIONS
In a mug, combine the vodka, crème de cacao, and hot espresso with the milk. Dust with nutmeg and irony.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
As if the role of parent wasn’t already a full-time gig, for the first time in her life Mommy is now also expected to wear the hats of Easter Bunny, Halloween Witch, and Santa Claus. Given these milestones will most likely be erased from your young memory before Mommy’s paid the resulting Visa bill, the endgame of these momentous first holidays is to capture the perfect photo. Unfortunately for all mankind, they involve you perched in a pumpkin
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