patch or adorned in a pastel Onesie with bunny tail. Said photos come at a hefty price, usually paid in Mommy sweat and tears. Take your Baby’s First Christmas photo. Even though she knows better, Mommy waited until the very last minute to get this done, which meant circling the mall parking lot for twenty minutes and waiting in line for more than an hour as your mail-order elf outfit became increasingly soaked with drool. Mommy knows you’re currently suffering from a raging case of separation anxiety, but handed you to a portly stranger with a foot-long white beard anyway and was shocked when you burst into hysterical tears. Mommy was (surprise!) upgraded to the Gold package at the cash register, because ten crying photos of you and a keepsake ornament are better than one. After enduring other preholiday pain, including the in-laws and a smackdown at Toys “R” Us, Mommy wishes she could book a spontaneous Christmas Eve flight to Jamaica. Instead, the week will be spent schlepping you from one obligatory family event to the next. The holidays used to be about watching crazy Uncle Carl get drunk, work parties, and taking advantage of the sales. Now it’s about not scarring your childhood, dodging unsolicited parenting advice from the relatives, and deep breathing.
(If you’re not pregnant this holiday season, bust out the raw eggs * and alcohol.)
INGREDIENTS
8 eggs, separated
⅓ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar
4 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup bourbon
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
Loads of freshly grated nutmeg
INSTRUCTIONS
In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add ⅓ cup sugar and continue to beat until it is completely dissolved. Add the milk, cream, bourbon, vanilla, and nutmeg and stir to combine.
Place the egg whites in a separate bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks. With the mixer running, gradually add the remaining 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Fold the egg whites into the egg yolk mixture. Chill and serve.
NOTE
Serves 8. Don’t serve to Uncle Carl.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
----
* BUZZKILL ALERT: Our lawyers “suggest” caution in consuming raw eggs due to the slight risk of salmonella.
Mommy has an unhealthy crush on the Nanny. She can see why Jude Law went astray. This magical woman not only takes care of you all day, but she also manages to tidy the house, do the laundry, and prepare meals—a feat Mommy told Daddy was “not humanly possible, so stop asking.” A total stranger when Mommy first placed you in her arms, she is now one of Mommy’s top three people in the world, often hedging out Daddy for second place. However, the Nanny is also the reason you will be going to Online U instead of the London School of Economics. She costs an absolute fortune. Mommy is jealous that the Nanny is teaching you how to say your first words and gets to take you on playdates (aka snoop on neighbors’ houses). Mommy wishes she could spend all day with you, but instead she has to sit in back-to-back meetings about optimizing meetings. Even though Mommy is eternally grateful for this woman who gives you such wonderful care, if you so much as hint that you love her more, Mommy’s got the INS on speed dial.
INGREDIENTS
Lemon juice
Celery salt
1 ounce vodka
3 ounces tomato juice
Dash of Worcestershire sauce
Pinch of salt and freshly ground pepper
Tabasco sauce
1 celery stalk
INSTRUCTIONS
Rim a glass with lemon juice, then celery salt, and fill it with ice. Pour in the vodka and the tomato and lemon juices. Add the Worcestershire, salt and pepper, and Tabasco to taste. Garnish with the celery stalk. Chase with a spoonful of sugar.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
From the outside, having a baby didn’t really change Daddy’s life all that much. Physically, he didn’t have his penis ripped in half delivering you, though he did put on a few pounds in “sympathy weight,” aka “excuse to eat
(If you’re not pregnant this holiday season, bust out the raw eggs * and alcohol.)
INGREDIENTS
8 eggs, separated
⅓ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar
4 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup bourbon
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
Loads of freshly grated nutmeg
INSTRUCTIONS
In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add ⅓ cup sugar and continue to beat until it is completely dissolved. Add the milk, cream, bourbon, vanilla, and nutmeg and stir to combine.
Place the egg whites in a separate bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks. With the mixer running, gradually add the remaining 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Fold the egg whites into the egg yolk mixture. Chill and serve.
NOTE
Serves 8. Don’t serve to Uncle Carl.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
----
* BUZZKILL ALERT: Our lawyers “suggest” caution in consuming raw eggs due to the slight risk of salmonella.
Mommy has an unhealthy crush on the Nanny. She can see why Jude Law went astray. This magical woman not only takes care of you all day, but she also manages to tidy the house, do the laundry, and prepare meals—a feat Mommy told Daddy was “not humanly possible, so stop asking.” A total stranger when Mommy first placed you in her arms, she is now one of Mommy’s top three people in the world, often hedging out Daddy for second place. However, the Nanny is also the reason you will be going to Online U instead of the London School of Economics. She costs an absolute fortune. Mommy is jealous that the Nanny is teaching you how to say your first words and gets to take you on playdates (aka snoop on neighbors’ houses). Mommy wishes she could spend all day with you, but instead she has to sit in back-to-back meetings about optimizing meetings. Even though Mommy is eternally grateful for this woman who gives you such wonderful care, if you so much as hint that you love her more, Mommy’s got the INS on speed dial.
INGREDIENTS
Lemon juice
Celery salt
1 ounce vodka
3 ounces tomato juice
Dash of Worcestershire sauce
Pinch of salt and freshly ground pepper
Tabasco sauce
1 celery stalk
INSTRUCTIONS
Rim a glass with lemon juice, then celery salt, and fill it with ice. Pour in the vodka and the tomato and lemon juices. Add the Worcestershire, salt and pepper, and Tabasco to taste. Garnish with the celery stalk. Chase with a spoonful of sugar.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
From the outside, having a baby didn’t really change Daddy’s life all that much. Physically, he didn’t have his penis ripped in half delivering you, though he did put on a few pounds in “sympathy weight,” aka “excuse to eat
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