doesn’t feel loved, appreciated, and respected. He’s a man who is coping , not truly living. And men who merely cope never change; they just pass time.
Affirmation is more than a man’s desire — much more. Acceptance and encouragement are biblical requirements:
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:7).
“Encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thes salo-nians 5:11).
“Encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13).
Even if your husband never changes; even if every bad habit, every neglected responsibility, every annoying character trait, stays exactly the same — then, for your own spiritual health, you need to learn how to love this man as he is . Too many books and articles ignore this point. Your first step — the primary one — is to love, accept, and even honor your imperfect husband.
Now, some of you may think this sounds contradictory to what I’ve said in previous chapters. Yet when applied, the two truths — confronting your husband and affirming him — can complement each other. When you show respect and affirmation toward your man, it’s amazing how vulnerable that imperfect husband will be to change. Dan Allender’s story provides a compelling example of this.
“You’re a Good Man”
In his excellent book How Children Raise Parents , Dr. Dan Allender describes how his young son lost his nerve on a ski slope. When the boy asked Dan to carry him down, Dan refused, so the boy fell down and began to cry and kick his feet. Dan grew irritated with his son and demanded that he ski down. As Dan raised his voice in anger, his wife, Becky, suggested he go on ahead and let her handle it.
Dan did so but then watched as his son refused Becky’s entreaties. That did it for Dan; he walked back up the slope, fuming all the while, and met Becky with the words, “Move. Your way didn’t work. I’ll get him down my way.” 4
You’re about to witness the incredible and profound power that a strong, godly woman represents. I’ll let Dan take it from here:
Becky stood her ground.
My wife looked at me with kindness and strength. When I fi nally reached her, her head slowly turned from side to side and she said, “No.”
There was a moment of silence, and she said, “I know you’ve been shamed by many men who meant the world to you. And I know that is not what you want to do to your son.” It was all she had to say. A myriad faces flashed in my memory; and I felt again the raw experience of being humiliated and shamed by men who really did matter to me. It silenced my anger and I began to cry. My wife put her hand on my heart and said, “You’re a good man.” She turned away and in one fluid, graceful movement, she skied down the icy slope. 5
Even while Dan acted at his worst, his wife called him to his best, using affirmation. She stood up to him, but she also touched him in his anger and firmly but gently reminded him, “You’re a good man.”
When Dan reached his son, he was a much-changed man. That’s the power women have — one magnanimous gesture and one aptly spoken phrase can work wonders. Since Dan’s son had seen and heard everything, Dan opted for the direct approach.
“Andrew, you saw my face as I was coming up the slope, didn’t you?”
He quivered. “Yes.”
“And you saw how angry I was, didn’t you?”
“Yesss.”
“And you were afraid, weren’t you?”
“Yes, yesss.”
“And you knew I’d make you pay if Mommy had not been so strong and loving and stood in my way and protected you.”
At this point his eyes were bristling with tears, and his cheeks were shivering with fear. I looked at him, put my hands on his cheeks, and said, “Andrew, I was wrong. Mommy loved me well and loved you well too. She invited me to see what I had become and what I did not want to be. Andrew, I’m sorry for being so angry. Please forgive me.”
The gift my son gave is incalculable. He put his hand on my
Affirmation is more than a man’s desire — much more. Acceptance and encouragement are biblical requirements:
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:7).
“Encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thes salo-nians 5:11).
“Encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13).
Even if your husband never changes; even if every bad habit, every neglected responsibility, every annoying character trait, stays exactly the same — then, for your own spiritual health, you need to learn how to love this man as he is . Too many books and articles ignore this point. Your first step — the primary one — is to love, accept, and even honor your imperfect husband.
Now, some of you may think this sounds contradictory to what I’ve said in previous chapters. Yet when applied, the two truths — confronting your husband and affirming him — can complement each other. When you show respect and affirmation toward your man, it’s amazing how vulnerable that imperfect husband will be to change. Dan Allender’s story provides a compelling example of this.
“You’re a Good Man”
In his excellent book How Children Raise Parents , Dr. Dan Allender describes how his young son lost his nerve on a ski slope. When the boy asked Dan to carry him down, Dan refused, so the boy fell down and began to cry and kick his feet. Dan grew irritated with his son and demanded that he ski down. As Dan raised his voice in anger, his wife, Becky, suggested he go on ahead and let her handle it.
Dan did so but then watched as his son refused Becky’s entreaties. That did it for Dan; he walked back up the slope, fuming all the while, and met Becky with the words, “Move. Your way didn’t work. I’ll get him down my way.” 4
You’re about to witness the incredible and profound power that a strong, godly woman represents. I’ll let Dan take it from here:
Becky stood her ground.
My wife looked at me with kindness and strength. When I fi nally reached her, her head slowly turned from side to side and she said, “No.”
There was a moment of silence, and she said, “I know you’ve been shamed by many men who meant the world to you. And I know that is not what you want to do to your son.” It was all she had to say. A myriad faces flashed in my memory; and I felt again the raw experience of being humiliated and shamed by men who really did matter to me. It silenced my anger and I began to cry. My wife put her hand on my heart and said, “You’re a good man.” She turned away and in one fluid, graceful movement, she skied down the icy slope. 5
Even while Dan acted at his worst, his wife called him to his best, using affirmation. She stood up to him, but she also touched him in his anger and firmly but gently reminded him, “You’re a good man.”
When Dan reached his son, he was a much-changed man. That’s the power women have — one magnanimous gesture and one aptly spoken phrase can work wonders. Since Dan’s son had seen and heard everything, Dan opted for the direct approach.
“Andrew, you saw my face as I was coming up the slope, didn’t you?”
He quivered. “Yes.”
“And you saw how angry I was, didn’t you?”
“Yesss.”
“And you were afraid, weren’t you?”
“Yes, yesss.”
“And you knew I’d make you pay if Mommy had not been so strong and loving and stood in my way and protected you.”
At this point his eyes were bristling with tears, and his cheeks were shivering with fear. I looked at him, put my hands on his cheeks, and said, “Andrew, I was wrong. Mommy loved me well and loved you well too. She invited me to see what I had become and what I did not want to be. Andrew, I’m sorry for being so angry. Please forgive me.”
The gift my son gave is incalculable. He put his hand on my
Similar Books
