Santa Claus by Santa Responds: He's Had Enough.and He's Writing Back!

I hope you have a nice day.
    Sincerely,
Ian

    Dear Ian,
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    What happened to the spaceship I gave you last year? Of course I know exactly where you disposed of it, but I was hoping you’d have the decency to make mention of it. I fail to see how the fact that Toby chewed on his (I really do need to start looking into the lead content on those things) has anything to do with your spaceship. You had the opportunity to take good care of that one and failed miserably at the task. Whatever made you even think that petrol could make a good rocket fuel?
    I also think it’s wonderful how you’re willing to sell out your mother’s gift for the sake of your own. What a loving child you are. Perhaps when she receives exactly what she’s hoping for, and you receive the charred remains of last year’s spaceship, it will make you pause and consider your behavior.
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    G’day mate,
    SANTA

Dear Santa,
    I would like a different dad this year. Mommy got one when I was at camp last summer and now Eddie’s here all the time. His car smells and he calls me “buddy” and rubs my hair. I asked Mommy if we could get a different one and she made this face and went out of the room.
    I thought maybe you could bring Mr. Wade from science class. Drew’s big brother has him for biology and says he could use a date. I’m sure my mom would give him one. She met him at some PTA thing last year and talks about him all the time. But when I asked her if he could be my dad, she said he wasn’t going to get married.
    I don’t know what that has to do with anything. But I know he doesn’t pat my head and mess up my hair. He’s very clean and that’s important, right? RIGHT?
    OK so you take Eddie and bring Mr. Wade I don’t know his first name. We could call him Steve, that’s a nice name OK?
    Then I can play with the race cars you gave me last year and you won’t have to bring me any other toys. We all win!
    Thank you for your time.
    Aldon

    Dear Aldon,
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    I’m afraid I haven’t brought another human being as a gift for someone since the Universal Declaration of Human Rights was ratified back in the late 1940’s. (I’ll admit I held off for years before finally signing it. But when it came down to just me and my ally China as the final holdouts, I conceded the point and added my signature.)
    I will give you something even better, though, and that’s a sure-fire way to get rid of your mom’s current boyfriend. Next time you notice that funny smell in Eddie’s car, just dial 911 and give his name and license plate number to the operator. You won’t have to see him again for a long, long time.
    I’m afraid that Mr. Wade won’t make a good replacement, though. While he would be a wonderful father for you, I’m afraid he wouldn’t make a very good husband for your mom. He doesn’t really like girls, if you know what I mean. But don’t worry, your mom will find someone perfect for both of you eventually.
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    Assuredly yours,
    SANTA

Dearest Santa Claus,
    I want a Barbie, a dollhouse not the pink one but the one with the elevator, a set of magic tricks, a basketball, pink boots, a gift card to the toy store, a High School Musical sweatshirt like Ally’s, a dvd player, and for you to come back in the summer when I can stay up later and meet you.
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    Thank you.
Natalie

    Dear Natalie,
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    What makes you think I have any interest in meeting you? And why does Barbie need an elevator? The stairs are a great way for her to keep that famous figure of hers. If you put in a little time on the stairs you also wouldn’t need that enormous High School Musical sweatshirt, either. Not that I’m one to talk in that regard, but I also don’t have any desire to bag Zac Efron for a boyfriend.
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    Keep sweatin’,
    SANTA

Santa,
    â€˜Supp? That means “what’s up”,