and I surrendered into hopelessness.
Smoking marijuana didn’t quell the anxiety that grew the longer I was apart from Talan. It intensified all the emotions—my body couldn’t process the difference between the calm it was supposed to give and my overactive nervous system. Breathing harshly and concentrating on the ultimate goal didn’t work either.
Panic consumed me as I wondered if this was really my fate. To be alone. To die alone.
“Fuck,” I muttered low, closing my eyes as the first rays of morning light hit me. The sun was bursting through the sheer curtains inside my room, forcing me to face another day. It should’ve felt like a warm caress across my cheek, like a lover’s touch, and yet this morning it was the complete opposite. Its coldness consumed me. “Why wasn’t I enough for any of them?”
Those words hurt more than any physical pain I’d ever experienced. He loved me—I knew that deep down. There was no way that I could’ve conjured every look and touch we shared.
Or did I?
Then, I wondered what made her better than me. Was her pussy tighter? Ass rounder? Were her lips softer than mine were as she worshipped his cock?
If that was what Talan needed from me, I’d learn to be more like her. I’d become her.
“I love you.” Rubbing my temples, I looked over at my alarm clock and groaned. It was almost seven am, and I didn’t want to get up. Today was Talan’s day to start inventory counts, and I’d planned to catch him alone. Talk him into leaving her and making me complete again.
It’d been a week since Brian and I witnessed their betrayal, but I was willing to let it all go if he returned to me. It was his love for her life. There was no going back at this point. Those seven days of agony and sadness he had to make up for.
Reaching over, I felt the edge of my nightstand for my medication. I’d placed the bottle of my antidepressants there a few days ago, yet now they evaded me.
Where the fuck were they? Turning over onto my stomach, I flipped on the lamp atop the dresser and found my temporary salvation. The lid held dust. Strange.
The illuminating glow of the light caused my stomach to drop. I grabbed the small orange bottle and…nothing. No rattle of pills inside could be heard. That couldn’t be right. I just filled these.
Turning over, I threw my legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. Again, the bottle made no noise. Not a motherfucking peep.
Next refill due on December 3 rd . That was two months ago. Where had those last sixty days gone? This made no sense. I needed these to function. To fit into a society that demanded their version of normalcy to be upheld.
My head hurt. The pounding intensified the harder I tried to make sense of what I was reading on the bottle. Reality set in, and my vision blurred with unshed tears. His rejection swirled in my head. Every second of agonizing pain radiated through me, and my body bowled in on itself from the onslaught of pain.
Muscles trembling, I fell back and got into a fetal position. Depression set in, and I was unable to stop it all. The physical manifestation made me weak. All I could do was swim in the sea of hopelessness that consumed me.
The air inside the room seemed nonexistent. It became harder to breathe, and my throat began to tighten. Blackness played at the edge of my vision, taking me slowly…one choking gasp at a time.
In that moment, I did something I’d never done before—I prayed for my sanity.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
A sudden pounding at my door roused me from sleep. The noise was loud inside my empty apartment, like a gunshot sounding off in the middle of the night. Loud and dangerous.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
“I’m going, dammit!” The bottle in my hands fell, slipped right through my fingers as a harsh pounding sensation settled on my temples. “Oh, fuck,” I moaned out. Pain radiated throughout me from the side of my skull and intensified near my forehead.
It was too much—every breath
Smoking marijuana didn’t quell the anxiety that grew the longer I was apart from Talan. It intensified all the emotions—my body couldn’t process the difference between the calm it was supposed to give and my overactive nervous system. Breathing harshly and concentrating on the ultimate goal didn’t work either.
Panic consumed me as I wondered if this was really my fate. To be alone. To die alone.
“Fuck,” I muttered low, closing my eyes as the first rays of morning light hit me. The sun was bursting through the sheer curtains inside my room, forcing me to face another day. It should’ve felt like a warm caress across my cheek, like a lover’s touch, and yet this morning it was the complete opposite. Its coldness consumed me. “Why wasn’t I enough for any of them?”
Those words hurt more than any physical pain I’d ever experienced. He loved me—I knew that deep down. There was no way that I could’ve conjured every look and touch we shared.
Or did I?
Then, I wondered what made her better than me. Was her pussy tighter? Ass rounder? Were her lips softer than mine were as she worshipped his cock?
If that was what Talan needed from me, I’d learn to be more like her. I’d become her.
“I love you.” Rubbing my temples, I looked over at my alarm clock and groaned. It was almost seven am, and I didn’t want to get up. Today was Talan’s day to start inventory counts, and I’d planned to catch him alone. Talk him into leaving her and making me complete again.
It’d been a week since Brian and I witnessed their betrayal, but I was willing to let it all go if he returned to me. It was his love for her life. There was no going back at this point. Those seven days of agony and sadness he had to make up for.
Reaching over, I felt the edge of my nightstand for my medication. I’d placed the bottle of my antidepressants there a few days ago, yet now they evaded me.
Where the fuck were they? Turning over onto my stomach, I flipped on the lamp atop the dresser and found my temporary salvation. The lid held dust. Strange.
The illuminating glow of the light caused my stomach to drop. I grabbed the small orange bottle and…nothing. No rattle of pills inside could be heard. That couldn’t be right. I just filled these.
Turning over, I threw my legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. Again, the bottle made no noise. Not a motherfucking peep.
Next refill due on December 3 rd . That was two months ago. Where had those last sixty days gone? This made no sense. I needed these to function. To fit into a society that demanded their version of normalcy to be upheld.
My head hurt. The pounding intensified the harder I tried to make sense of what I was reading on the bottle. Reality set in, and my vision blurred with unshed tears. His rejection swirled in my head. Every second of agonizing pain radiated through me, and my body bowled in on itself from the onslaught of pain.
Muscles trembling, I fell back and got into a fetal position. Depression set in, and I was unable to stop it all. The physical manifestation made me weak. All I could do was swim in the sea of hopelessness that consumed me.
The air inside the room seemed nonexistent. It became harder to breathe, and my throat began to tighten. Blackness played at the edge of my vision, taking me slowly…one choking gasp at a time.
In that moment, I did something I’d never done before—I prayed for my sanity.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
A sudden pounding at my door roused me from sleep. The noise was loud inside my empty apartment, like a gunshot sounding off in the middle of the night. Loud and dangerous.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
“I’m going, dammit!” The bottle in my hands fell, slipped right through my fingers as a harsh pounding sensation settled on my temples. “Oh, fuck,” I moaned out. Pain radiated throughout me from the side of my skull and intensified near my forehead.
It was too much—every breath
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