Scotland’s Jesus: The Only Officially Non-racist Comedian by Frankie Boyle Page A

so that none of his prayers would get answered.
    Of course, we couldn’t throw Abu Qatada out of the country just because he was ‘very dangerous’, otherwise there’d have been nobody left in the Cabinet. The Tories demanded that ministers ignore the courts and throw him out. I’m guessing the Tories might not be quite so keen on ignoring the courts when tens of thousands of disabled people refuse to pay their bedroom-tax fines. He was called bin Laden’s right-hand man – and that was enough evidence to lock him up? If we called him the new Shirley Bassey could he get a plum variety slot on ITV?
    A Welsh double-glazing salesman called Ahmed Abdulla has been stopped from flying to the US because his name is similar to the name of an al-Qaeda leader. The strange thing is that for the last ten years al-Qaeda leader Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah has been travelling about under the name Dai Llewellyn. His attempts to organise atrocities keep being interrupted every five minutes by a housewife in Swansea who wants new windows fitted.
    Islamic extremist Emdadur Choudhury was fined £50 for burning poppies at the last Armistice Day parade. I say, if he wants to live here he should protest about the occupation of Afghanistan the British way. Just shrug his shoulders and reach for the remote when it comes on the news. Burning poppies is a pretty piss-poor way of showing disrespect to our soldiers. It’s not a patch on failing to give them proper body armour. Lots of people desecrate the two minutes silence. At least Choudhury had an opinion about war; surely it’s more offensive when people just continue browsing through the Disney Store? How dare he publicly protest against the occupation of Afghanistan? Especially after all our efforts to bring it free speech. I’m told he’d planned a more lavish protest to bring the infidel British puppet government to its knees. But he couldn’t buy the fireworks as his benefit cheque didn’t arrive in time.
    Abu Hamza was extradited to the US despite claiming he was too ill to face trial – well, to be fair, he does have one hand in the grave. My son was shocked. You see, I called his pet hamster Abu! Believe me, that’s where the resemblance ends – his prosthetic, paper-clip paw’s actually shaped into a trident . . . don’t ask, but it’s not cruel as all the animals involved get given badges to use as shields. I wondered why Hamza was so terrified of what the Americans will do to him; then I realised, he lived in Afghanistan for a bit. Actually, you’d think he’d have found a more realistic prosthetic in Afghanistan. We’ve been bombing them so long human hands must be left on garden walls like lost children’s gloves.
    Abu Hamza is a disabled man who commands great respect from his followers; if he conformed to our culture he’d be in a Channel 4 documentary about how no one wants to shag him.
    He’s been transferred to a US jail known as the ‘Colorado Supermax’. Which is also the name of a feminine hygiene product for cowgirls. The European Court of Human Rights said it was satisfied Hamza would be well treated in America. Which in essence means that before flicking the switch on his electric chair the executioner will tell him to have a nice day.
    Three guys in Birmingham were jailed for a suicide bomb plot. If I lived in Birmingham I’d be working on a suicide bomb plot. I’m not sure we should have been too worried about the destruction they could have reaped, given that they couldn’t even manage to successfully burn the piece of paper with their plans on. With the plan of blowing up Birmingham they must be the only suicide bombers who’ve received financial backing from English Heritage. What could make someone who’s raised in this country hate this country so much? Apart from being raised in this country.
    This year we also had the Woolwich attack on Drummer Lee Rigby, and terror levels suddenly rose from ‘not bothered’ to ‘holy fuck’. David