Scotland’s Jesus: The Only Officially Non-racist Comedian by Frankie Boyle Page B

Cameron returned from Paris immediately he heard that the black guy the police shot had actually done something to deserve it. Cameron activated COBRA, where the government show terrorists they’re not scared by gathering behind steel doors in a bomb proof room. An emergency meeting was held with Cameron, Boris, Pickles, Warsi and May – I wouldn’t even trust this lot to make jelly and ice cream without starting a chemical fire.
    The killer welcomed a Brownie guide leader, Ingrid Loyau-Kennett, when she approached him – he must’ve thought he’d completed his Death to the West badge. She wanted to keep him talking to prevent any further violence. That’s unusual, as our scout leader always wanted to stop us talking. Usually with threats that nobody would believe us. Can you imagine being in her Brownie group now? Every time she asks what you want to do, you nervously gaze round to see if she’s distracting you from a police marksman. Lee Rigby was wearing a sweater that showed a picture of a soldier being stretchered away with his thumbs up. There’s a poster for the myth and reality of the job. You can tell his murderers were psychos; they left the body on a double red line. The killers’ travel history is being analysed to find out how they got radicalised – I’m not sure whether that includes ‘going to the newsagent’. People got off the bus near the attack to see what murderers looked like, as that bus hadn’t run a night service for a while.
    Nigel Farage said it was terrible this happened on the ‘peaceful streets of South London’. Is he taking the piss? The police had to push their way past two stabbings and a shooting just to make the arrest.
    It’s interesting when people discuss whether a crime was motivated by religion or mental illness, as if those were two different things. Police found the training manual they used for the attack. George Michael’s autobiography. The video of the jihadist ranting is going to be one of the toughest ever for Alex Zane to link to on the next series of Rude Tube . If it’s an eye for an eye, who replaces the finger you blew off your own hand, you idiot? The killer said ‘in our land’ women see beheadings daily. In Lincolnshire? Are they still executing the left-handed? Still, thank God we held on to that Olympic feelgood factor.
    The EDL, who named themselves after the way they text spell the word England, staged a drunken protest. I noticed the EDL rioters seemed to be covering their faces up. That’s a bit Muslim of them. I think the EDL wanted to make a point about Muslims not respecting British law, and what better way to do that than to fight the police? Attacking a mosque in revenge for this murder makes as much sense as attacking JD Sports in revenge for Jimmy Savile. Muslim communities have to denounce these killings because they’re so rare. If rich white guys had to denounce every death in their name they’d never get anything done.
    We’ve got to the stage where ‘asylum seeker’ is an insult, whilst the government debates the vagaries of the term ‘rape porn’. ‘Asylum seeker’ means you will be killed if you go home. And not in the ‘I’ve had an extra pint after work’ sense, though in some countries it will be because they had the pint, or went to work. ‘Asylum seeker’ is an insult and ‘WAG’ is a compliment. We have more sympathy for a woman whose husband might miss a header than for a woman whose husband might be missing his head.
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    More defence cuts have been announced. The Ministry of Defence insists operational capability will not be affected as the armed forces are already highly ineffective. If we’re not careful we’ll soon only have a military big enough to reflect our true status in today’s world. We could slash Trident replacement costs by doing what Saddam did with his tanks and buying dummy stuff. I can’t see any reason why inflatable submarines wouldn’t work. BAE Systems is axing three