wrap my lips around.
Jessica?
Uh, what? I said, snapping back to G-rated reality. Did you say something?
Where are you headed next year?
Sigh.
When youre a senior in high school, its a given that everyone you come in contact with is going to ask you a variation of the Question within thirty seconds of saying Hey. So youd better have a fast answer. Until today, mine was: Amherst, Piedmont, Swarthmore, or Williams.
Paul Parlipianos face puckered, as though he had just taken a swig out of a milk carton with an expiration date from the first Bush administration.
Whats wrong with those schools? It just so happens that all four of them are among the top twenty most difficult to get into in the world . In fact, its harder to get into these schools than some of the Ivies.
Defensive much, Jess?
His face relaxed slightly, just enough to reply, Theyre fine schools.
Then whats with the face?
Well, its just that theyre all kind of out in the boondocks, he replied. How did you decide that you wanted to be on a campus in the middle of nowhere?
Do you really want me to get into it?
Paul Parlipiano leaned back in his chair and made the steeple gesture with his hands. You know, from the childhood rhyme: Heres the church, heres the steeple, open the door . . .
I took a deep breath.
According to the Princeton Review, there are approximately sixteen hundred accredited institutions of higher learning I can apply to. This is way too many, as having too many options always freaks me out
And thus, for the next half hour, I explained
Jessica Darlings Process of Collegiate Elimination
Step 1: Eliminate any school that is not in the Most Difficult to Get Into category .
Not everyone can get away with such academic snobbery. With my college boards and jacked transcript, I can be as snooty as all get-out.Number of Schools Left: 35 HHHH
Step 2: Eliminate any school in the red in other words, any school located in a state that voted for Bush in the 2000 election . While I am sure that there are smart people in these red(neck?) states (after all, Hope is surviving in one), I cant help but be a Northeastern elitist when 75 percent of schools in the Most Difficult to Get Into category are located in states that did not vote for Bush. (Note: This got a chuckle and a nod of approval from Paul Parlipiano.)Number of Schools Left: 29 HHHH
Step 3: Eliminate any school located in a remotely urban setting . My parents have ruled out Columbia, NYU, U. Chicago, Northwestern, U. Penn, Georgetown, and Johns Hopkins because they are all located in ghettos. (Note: Pay close attention to this eliminator, as it will come into play later.)Number of Schools Left: 22 HHHH
Step 4: Eliminate any school in California .
The California sunshine has fried my sisters and brother-in-laws brains. Bethany and G-Money were always scary, but never as much since they moved to the dot commune. As if the state werent overrun by blondes already (most of whom are of the fake-titty variety), Bridget flies out there all the time to visit her dad and further her career. Furthermore, I find Califomians compulsive friendliness unsettling. I think these are enough reasons for staying away from that freaky state.Number of Schools Left: 20 HHHH
Step 5: And Canada, for that matter .
Celine Dion. Enough said. (Note: Another chuckle from Paul Parlipiano. I was on , baby. On.)Number of Schools Left: 19 HHHH
Step 6: Eliminate any school that any of my classmates have the slightest interest in/chance of getting into .
My only competition for valedictorian, Len Levy, has made it very clear that if he doesnt get into Cornell, he will drive up to Ithaca and hurl himself into one of its infamous suicide gorges. I am afraid that he isnt entirely kidding. Do I even need to mention that there is only one other person at PHS who is smart enough to get into any of these
Jessica?
Uh, what? I said, snapping back to G-rated reality. Did you say something?
Where are you headed next year?
Sigh.
When youre a senior in high school, its a given that everyone you come in contact with is going to ask you a variation of the Question within thirty seconds of saying Hey. So youd better have a fast answer. Until today, mine was: Amherst, Piedmont, Swarthmore, or Williams.
Paul Parlipianos face puckered, as though he had just taken a swig out of a milk carton with an expiration date from the first Bush administration.
Whats wrong with those schools? It just so happens that all four of them are among the top twenty most difficult to get into in the world . In fact, its harder to get into these schools than some of the Ivies.
Defensive much, Jess?
His face relaxed slightly, just enough to reply, Theyre fine schools.
Then whats with the face?
Well, its just that theyre all kind of out in the boondocks, he replied. How did you decide that you wanted to be on a campus in the middle of nowhere?
Do you really want me to get into it?
Paul Parlipiano leaned back in his chair and made the steeple gesture with his hands. You know, from the childhood rhyme: Heres the church, heres the steeple, open the door . . .
I took a deep breath.
According to the Princeton Review, there are approximately sixteen hundred accredited institutions of higher learning I can apply to. This is way too many, as having too many options always freaks me out
And thus, for the next half hour, I explained
Jessica Darlings Process of Collegiate Elimination
Step 1: Eliminate any school that is not in the Most Difficult to Get Into category .
Not everyone can get away with such academic snobbery. With my college boards and jacked transcript, I can be as snooty as all get-out.Number of Schools Left: 35 HHHH
Step 2: Eliminate any school in the red in other words, any school located in a state that voted for Bush in the 2000 election . While I am sure that there are smart people in these red(neck?) states (after all, Hope is surviving in one), I cant help but be a Northeastern elitist when 75 percent of schools in the Most Difficult to Get Into category are located in states that did not vote for Bush. (Note: This got a chuckle and a nod of approval from Paul Parlipiano.)Number of Schools Left: 29 HHHH
Step 3: Eliminate any school located in a remotely urban setting . My parents have ruled out Columbia, NYU, U. Chicago, Northwestern, U. Penn, Georgetown, and Johns Hopkins because they are all located in ghettos. (Note: Pay close attention to this eliminator, as it will come into play later.)Number of Schools Left: 22 HHHH
Step 4: Eliminate any school in California .
The California sunshine has fried my sisters and brother-in-laws brains. Bethany and G-Money were always scary, but never as much since they moved to the dot commune. As if the state werent overrun by blondes already (most of whom are of the fake-titty variety), Bridget flies out there all the time to visit her dad and further her career. Furthermore, I find Califomians compulsive friendliness unsettling. I think these are enough reasons for staying away from that freaky state.Number of Schools Left: 20 HHHH
Step 5: And Canada, for that matter .
Celine Dion. Enough said. (Note: Another chuckle from Paul Parlipiano. I was on , baby. On.)Number of Schools Left: 19 HHHH
Step 6: Eliminate any school that any of my classmates have the slightest interest in/chance of getting into .
My only competition for valedictorian, Len Levy, has made it very clear that if he doesnt get into Cornell, he will drive up to Ithaca and hurl himself into one of its infamous suicide gorges. I am afraid that he isnt entirely kidding. Do I even need to mention that there is only one other person at PHS who is smart enough to get into any of these
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