Shame by Karin Alvtegen

learn to walk again. And if that wasn’t enough, it turned out that our insurance premium had arrived two days late, so the company refused to pay anything during her entire rehabilitation. But Pernilla was fantastic; I don’t understand how she had the guts. She worked like a dog during those years, and it was just so tough not to be able to do anything but stand by her side and give her encouragement.’
    Then he looked around the circle and smiled again.
    ‘So, the day she took her first steps I can honestly say were the best in my whole life. Along with the day our daughter Daniella was born.’
    It was utterly still. Mattias looked around and finally he was the one to break the respectful silence.
    ‘Well, that little episode was what I thought of.’
    Spontaneous applause broke out, increased, and would not stop. The sound rose like a wall around Monika. The woman who led the course had sat down on an empty chair while he talked, but when the applause began to die down she stood up and turned to Mattias.
    ‘Thank you for an incredibly gripping and interesting story. I would just like to ask one question if that’s all right?’
    Mattias shrugged amiably and said, ‘Yeah, of course.’
    ‘Now, afterwards, can you sum up what you feel about the whole thing in a few words?’
    He only had to think for a couple of seconds.
    ‘Gratitude.’
    The woman nodded and was about to say something else, but Mattias spoke first.
    ‘Actually, not just because Pernilla recovered, even though that may sound strange.’
    He paused, formulating the right words to use to make it all comprehensible.
    ‘It’s a little hard to explain, but the other reason is actually quite selfish. I realised afterwards how grateful I am that I reacted the way I did and didn’t hesitate to go back down.’
    The woman nodded.
    ‘You saved her life.’
    He almost interrupted her.
    ‘Yes, I know, but it’s not just that. It’s being aware of how you would react in a crisis situation, because you have no idea before you’re in it – that’s something I really understood after the accident. What I mean is that I’m incredibly thankful that I reacted the way I did.’
    He smiled a little, almost embarrassed, and looked down at his lap.
    ‘No doubt all of us dream about being that hero when it really counts.’
    Monika felt the room closing in on her.
    And any second now it would be her turn to speak.

6
    S he couldn’t move. She was sitting on a chair and she was thin, but for some reason she couldn’t move. A nauseating taste in her mouth. Something reminded her of the kitchen at home but she was surrounded by water with no horizon. There was the sound of footsteps coming closer, but she couldn’t tell from where. A single urge, to run, to escape the shame; but there was something wrong with her legs so she couldn’t move.
    She opened her eyes. The dream was gone but not the feeling it left behind. Thin, sticky threads of her consciousness held on to it and tried in vain to put it into context.
    The pillow behind her back had slipped to one side. With great effort she managed to heave herself out of bed and onto her feet. Saba raised her head to look at her but lay down again and went back to sleep.
    Why had she suddenly been dreaming so much? The nights were filled with dangers, and it was hard enough to sleep sitting up without having to worry about what her mind was going to do when she relaxed her grip.
    It must be the fault of that little person. The one who had been coming over lately and had such a hard time keeping her mouth shut. Maj-Britt hadn’t asked to know, but Ellinor had told her anyway. Withoutbeing asked she had let the words flow out of her mouth, and every one of them had penetrated into Maj-Britt’s reluctant ears. Vanja was one of the few women in Sweden who had been sentenced to life in prison. Fifteen or sixteen years ago she had suffocated her children in their sleep, slit her husband’s throat, and then set