the show? Oh, because you . . . don’t have cable.”
“Because I didn’t want to watch you having sex with another man.”
She felt a prickling in her eyes and realized she was, ridiculously, on the brink of tears. She forced herself to say, “You mean you had a sexual fantasy, but it was . . . it wasn’t about me with someone else?”
By the time she finished speaking, he was already shaking his head, with an expression of mild impatience. He said, “Don’t sell yourself so short, Emily.” He smiled. “There, I said your name.”
“You did,” she said, swallowing again to try to quell the threatening tears.
“I’ve been saying it in my head. . . . You must think I’m completely crazy.”
“You’re completely crazy,” she said, and a rogue tear slipped down her cheek. “But I still don’t understand.”
His face went grave and alarmed. “You’re crying.” He started to put out his hand, but thought better of it. “Did something I said make you cry?”
“No! I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t usually cry.” She wiped away the tear, trying again to smile. She was aware of giving herself away in the worst possible way, but she still wasn’t sure what it was she was revealing. She hadn’t had any ridiculous fantasies about him. Had she?
Then he said, “I’m sorry. I can’t stand it anymore. Would you come here?”
A moment later, though she couldn’t have said how it happened, she was in his arms and he was holding her while she cried desperately on his shoulder. His arms felt familiar to her—though at the same time he felt like no other man she’d ever touched. The sensation of being protected was mingled with a dizzying impression of his strength. She had put herself at the mercy of someone who was stronger than she was. If it was just a sexual fantasy that he’d had, that he was blowing up into something else, then she would be used and put aside. If it was something else, she didn’t even know what was going to happen to her. At that moment, it felt like something so overwhelming and new that it was frightening. She knew, paradoxically, that she wouldn’t have the courage to do it without him there.
And only a tiny, tiny voice continued to insist, through her tears and longing, that she didn’t know this man at all. How could he mean anything to her?
He put his lips to her ear, tenderly kissing the place where it met her cheek, and began to speak in a low, impassioned voice. “I felt as if I’d always known you. I do know you—I don’t care if it sounds crazy. I know your gentleness and your honesty, and the way you won’t forgive yourself for things that aren’t your fault. I kept thinking you needed someone to tell you you’re not to blame. And I know you can’t tell anything about a person from an interview. I know it, but I knew all about you. Those pictures. God, they broke my heart.”
“But I’m fine,” she blubbered.
They both laughed. She said, “I mean, I was fine until just a minute ago. As fine as most people are. I don’t know—could you be in real trouble and never even know it was happening?”
He pulled back a little to look at her. “Well, I’m no judge, but . . .”
Their eyes met again. And since they were already holding each other, it seemed only natural that he leaned down and kissed her on the lips. It seemed natural and at the same time it seemed as if a massive wall had fallen, the wall between the past and an unimaginable future. He was kissing her, and she clung to him, letting the feelings fall with her through a million miles of needs she had suppressed, fears she hadn’t acknowledged. And through it all he was holding her, keeping her safe within the charmed circle that was his kiss. At the same time, her body felt charged with desire of a different order from anything she’d ever felt—all she could think was that it was a complete desire, a confluence of emotion and physical passion.
So it seemed only natural when
“Because I didn’t want to watch you having sex with another man.”
She felt a prickling in her eyes and realized she was, ridiculously, on the brink of tears. She forced herself to say, “You mean you had a sexual fantasy, but it was . . . it wasn’t about me with someone else?”
By the time she finished speaking, he was already shaking his head, with an expression of mild impatience. He said, “Don’t sell yourself so short, Emily.” He smiled. “There, I said your name.”
“You did,” she said, swallowing again to try to quell the threatening tears.
“I’ve been saying it in my head. . . . You must think I’m completely crazy.”
“You’re completely crazy,” she said, and a rogue tear slipped down her cheek. “But I still don’t understand.”
His face went grave and alarmed. “You’re crying.” He started to put out his hand, but thought better of it. “Did something I said make you cry?”
“No! I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t usually cry.” She wiped away the tear, trying again to smile. She was aware of giving herself away in the worst possible way, but she still wasn’t sure what it was she was revealing. She hadn’t had any ridiculous fantasies about him. Had she?
Then he said, “I’m sorry. I can’t stand it anymore. Would you come here?”
A moment later, though she couldn’t have said how it happened, she was in his arms and he was holding her while she cried desperately on his shoulder. His arms felt familiar to her—though at the same time he felt like no other man she’d ever touched. The sensation of being protected was mingled with a dizzying impression of his strength. She had put herself at the mercy of someone who was stronger than she was. If it was just a sexual fantasy that he’d had, that he was blowing up into something else, then she would be used and put aside. If it was something else, she didn’t even know what was going to happen to her. At that moment, it felt like something so overwhelming and new that it was frightening. She knew, paradoxically, that she wouldn’t have the courage to do it without him there.
And only a tiny, tiny voice continued to insist, through her tears and longing, that she didn’t know this man at all. How could he mean anything to her?
He put his lips to her ear, tenderly kissing the place where it met her cheek, and began to speak in a low, impassioned voice. “I felt as if I’d always known you. I do know you—I don’t care if it sounds crazy. I know your gentleness and your honesty, and the way you won’t forgive yourself for things that aren’t your fault. I kept thinking you needed someone to tell you you’re not to blame. And I know you can’t tell anything about a person from an interview. I know it, but I knew all about you. Those pictures. God, they broke my heart.”
“But I’m fine,” she blubbered.
They both laughed. She said, “I mean, I was fine until just a minute ago. As fine as most people are. I don’t know—could you be in real trouble and never even know it was happening?”
He pulled back a little to look at her. “Well, I’m no judge, but . . .”
Their eyes met again. And since they were already holding each other, it seemed only natural that he leaned down and kissed her on the lips. It seemed natural and at the same time it seemed as if a massive wall had fallen, the wall between the past and an unimaginable future. He was kissing her, and she clung to him, letting the feelings fall with her through a million miles of needs she had suppressed, fears she hadn’t acknowledged. And through it all he was holding her, keeping her safe within the charmed circle that was his kiss. At the same time, her body felt charged with desire of a different order from anything she’d ever felt—all she could think was that it was a complete desire, a confluence of emotion and physical passion.
So it seemed only natural when
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