them better than the Commander himself.
Maybe he dug those tunnels himself because he was sooo goddamn important—
“Control your thoughts, cadet.” Pon emerged
from a solid wall.
I tightened my mind.
He pursed his lips, took a moment to observe.
Then, with his hands behind his back, paced around me. His
footsteps fell like a predator. I mindfully followed his presence
without turning as he walked out of eyeshot. I followed his energy,
followed his movements and searched his intentions. He stopped
directly behind me and took a balanced stance. His mind reached
around, searching for weakness. If I was not vigilant, he would
squeeze me unconscious. He’d done it before. That sort of thing is
not easy to forget, especially when you piss your pants.
“Tell me, cadet, that I haven’t wasted a year
training you?”
He probed my mind some more, gave me an
opportunity to respond. I wasn’t answering that.
He circled around, looking thoughtfully at
the ground. The psychic pressure intensified, threatened to push
through my barriers and creep inside. If he got in, I would suffer
major brain freeze and, politely put , go night-night .
I closed my eyes to steel my mind, whittled
my focus down to a tiny point. Weak minds were clay in Pon’s hands.
He was an artisan who could mold the mind’s fabric or squish it
between his fingers.
He made a complete circle and stopped in
front of me. I remained resolute. Knees flexed, ready to timeslice
if he attacked… for the purposes of training, of course .
“You can never go home, cadet. It does not
exist for you anymore.”
“It was just a visit.”
“That life has passed.”
“They’re friends, like family. I’m not
turning my back on them.”
“Understand the conflict, cadet. Understand
what you wanted your trip to be. You want a girlfriend to hold your
hand. You want to do things ordinary people do. You want to be what
you once were.” He tapped his head. “Those are your thoughts, and
therein lay your suffering.”
I’ll tell you what suffering is. It’s
training non-stop. Suffering is going a week without sleep. It’s
breaking bones and gashing skin. It’s getting your brain squeezed
like a fucking lemon.
“This present moment is vital, cadet. This
moment is all there is. The present moment does not care what you
think or how you feel, it exists regardless. You exist in it, not
separate from it. The present moment is the beginning and the end.”
He made a circle with his finger and thumb. “Your feelings about it
are irrelevant.”
What if I don’t care?
His eyes were light blue. A psychic storm
rushed through his small, sharp pupils and absorbed my thoughts and
emotions. I let him see the doubt rumbling inside.
“It feels suffocating, mmm?” he asked.
“Emptiness? Uselessness? Is that how you feel?”
“How about uncertainty.”
“I see,” he said. “And these feelings of
apathy suck the life from your focus, mmm?”
“Something like that.”
He stood still. Only the room seemed to
breathe.
“Cadet, we serve this world, that is our
purpose. Our sole directive. Do you think your loneliness is a fair
price for that service, mmm? We save the world from itself, not
because we feel like it. Because it is our duty.”
“Not all of them want to be saved.”
“They are lost. We are their shepherds.”
“And they still don’t give a shit.”
“We don’t ask for gratitude.” He lowered his
eyebrows. “When the universe cries, cadet, you answer. Do you think
life will understand your failure because you don’t feel like serving?” The words imprinted on my mind, burning like a hot
iron. “Growth is difficult, cadet, that is a fact.”
He moved very close. His breath streamed
through his nostrils. I did not look away. I reached out to him
with my mind and pushed back. The room crackled with our energy. My
backbone vibrated. His eyes were open and empty. There was never
anything to see inside Pon, but I always looked for a hint
Maybe he dug those tunnels himself because he was sooo goddamn important—
“Control your thoughts, cadet.” Pon emerged
from a solid wall.
I tightened my mind.
He pursed his lips, took a moment to observe.
Then, with his hands behind his back, paced around me. His
footsteps fell like a predator. I mindfully followed his presence
without turning as he walked out of eyeshot. I followed his energy,
followed his movements and searched his intentions. He stopped
directly behind me and took a balanced stance. His mind reached
around, searching for weakness. If I was not vigilant, he would
squeeze me unconscious. He’d done it before. That sort of thing is
not easy to forget, especially when you piss your pants.
“Tell me, cadet, that I haven’t wasted a year
training you?”
He probed my mind some more, gave me an
opportunity to respond. I wasn’t answering that.
He circled around, looking thoughtfully at
the ground. The psychic pressure intensified, threatened to push
through my barriers and creep inside. If he got in, I would suffer
major brain freeze and, politely put , go night-night .
I closed my eyes to steel my mind, whittled
my focus down to a tiny point. Weak minds were clay in Pon’s hands.
He was an artisan who could mold the mind’s fabric or squish it
between his fingers.
He made a complete circle and stopped in
front of me. I remained resolute. Knees flexed, ready to timeslice
if he attacked… for the purposes of training, of course .
“You can never go home, cadet. It does not
exist for you anymore.”
“It was just a visit.”
“That life has passed.”
“They’re friends, like family. I’m not
turning my back on them.”
“Understand the conflict, cadet. Understand
what you wanted your trip to be. You want a girlfriend to hold your
hand. You want to do things ordinary people do. You want to be what
you once were.” He tapped his head. “Those are your thoughts, and
therein lay your suffering.”
I’ll tell you what suffering is. It’s
training non-stop. Suffering is going a week without sleep. It’s
breaking bones and gashing skin. It’s getting your brain squeezed
like a fucking lemon.
“This present moment is vital, cadet. This
moment is all there is. The present moment does not care what you
think or how you feel, it exists regardless. You exist in it, not
separate from it. The present moment is the beginning and the end.”
He made a circle with his finger and thumb. “Your feelings about it
are irrelevant.”
What if I don’t care?
His eyes were light blue. A psychic storm
rushed through his small, sharp pupils and absorbed my thoughts and
emotions. I let him see the doubt rumbling inside.
“It feels suffocating, mmm?” he asked.
“Emptiness? Uselessness? Is that how you feel?”
“How about uncertainty.”
“I see,” he said. “And these feelings of
apathy suck the life from your focus, mmm?”
“Something like that.”
He stood still. Only the room seemed to
breathe.
“Cadet, we serve this world, that is our
purpose. Our sole directive. Do you think your loneliness is a fair
price for that service, mmm? We save the world from itself, not
because we feel like it. Because it is our duty.”
“Not all of them want to be saved.”
“They are lost. We are their shepherds.”
“And they still don’t give a shit.”
“We don’t ask for gratitude.” He lowered his
eyebrows. “When the universe cries, cadet, you answer. Do you think
life will understand your failure because you don’t feel like serving?” The words imprinted on my mind, burning like a hot
iron. “Growth is difficult, cadet, that is a fact.”
He moved very close. His breath streamed
through his nostrils. I did not look away. I reached out to him
with my mind and pushed back. The room crackled with our energy. My
backbone vibrated. His eyes were open and empty. There was never
anything to see inside Pon, but I always looked for a hint
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