Some Great Thing by Lawrence Hill

picture. Melvyn Hill was messing up! Lookit right here, it said: “Civil libertarians expressed outrage at Judge Hill’s statement that he handed out stiffer sentences to blacks than to whites.” My, my! The old judge was giving black folks a fit. In this other article, Melvyn Hill was phoning the police on some welfare dude. Harry studied the little piece of paper again. Compliments of Judge Melvyn Hill . Hunh! Why was Melvyn sending this stuff? What that man needed was to have his black ass kicked. Harry made coffee. He reread the clippings. He still had no customers. He wondered how old Melvyn Hill was making out, anyhow.
    Yoyo airmailed this report to his newspaper in Yaoundé:
Dear Reader:
    Your correspondent’s first month in Canada has proven full of surprises. In this communiqué, he wishes to examine the issue of poverty among white people. Cameroonians believe that it does not exist, but nothing could be further from the truth. Povertydoes exist among white people, some of whom live as miserably, in their own way (necessarily in their own way, Dear Reader, since human misery is a relative affliction, and as yet unquantifiable by Any Scientist), as any other inhabitants of this troubled planet. Let This Author proceed by way of microcosm, offering a description of the life of the Quixotic Jake Corbett.
    Mr. Corbett resides in Winnipeg, Manitoba. His predicament may puzzle Cameroonians who have observed white adults in Yaoundé, but have never seen one lacking employment.
    Here are the astonishing facts of Mr. Jake Corbett’s life: 45 years old, unmarried, red-haired and possessing a deathly white skin that burns when exposed to the sun, Mr. Corbett suffers from deep vein thrombophlebitis, which is a vein inflammation malady. He is unable to work because of a painful blood clot in his lower right leg. A victim of the disintegration of the North American kinship structure, Mr. Corbett has no family. He depends on the state for support.
    Mr. Corbett was recently arrested for broadcasting his predicament in a public place. Canadians apparently believe in free speech, but not by means of volume-enhancing machinery. However, Mr. Corbett was exonerated in court. This Author visited him subsequently.
    Let it not be said that only peoples of nut-coloured complexion live in hovels. Or that only we are undernourished. This Author contends that many Africans enjoy better housing than Mr. Corbett, and eat better food too.
    As for the staple of Mr. Corbett’s diet, This Author shall withhold details for Another Report. At present, suffice it to say that Mr. Corbett suffers from a lack of funds and proper food, and lives in cramped quarters atop Frank’s Accidental Dog and Grill, abusiness establishment serving meals of dubious nutritive value. Despite the humiliation of his recent arrest, Mr. Corbett vowed, in his interview with This Author, to continue his struggle for an acceptable level of monetary assistance from his government. “I worked 15 years, until my legs gave out,” he said. “Now I plan to bug the welfare people until their legs give out.”
    To Mr. Corbett’s consternation, local newspapers have neglected to describe the details of his case. Yet these details are arresting. The Manitoba government publishes a yearly booklet entitled “The Social Allowances Program.” This booklet sets out the cost of “basic necessities” of life. In Mr. Corbett’s case, this amount has been calculated at 178.10 Canadian dollars a month. However, authorities have been deducting five percent of this amount every month from Mr. Corbett’s cheque because of an ongoing dispute with him. But a penetrating question has been raised by Mr. Corbett: If $178.10 is required to meet his necessities of life, how can he do without five percent? Mr. Corbett, who appears well versed in his nation’s Constitution, said he is initiating legal action to resolve the issue.
    This Author respectfully predicts that Mr. Corbett, although