Someday, Someday, Maybe by Lauren Graham

what’s his name? Anyway it doesn’t matter, I just think he’s not really acting so much as just smoldering or something up there, and I’m like, Buddy, you can’t just play every scene sexy, I mean, that’s not an active choice—the guy has to have some layers or something … No, I know, I know, they’re saying he might get nominated or something, that’s probably why he’s leaving, now that he thinks he’ll get an award he’s probably going off to do a film or something …
    DON .     (sings)
            IT’S A PINCH AND A WIGGLE
            AND A GIGGLE IN THE GRASS
            AND I’LL PITCH THE LIGHTS FANDANGO
    CASEY .… and seriously, you might as well eat a whole cake as far as your body is concerned. Isn’t that so scary?
    CHARLIE . You know who he reminds me of? And this is not sour grapes, they just really remind me of each other. Come closer. James. Yeah, right? Fucking James in this class, man.
Upstage, we see Franny (late 20s, bad hair) turn her head toward Charlie .
    CHARLIE (CONT’D). Like the girls all like him, but is he really gifted? Chill out, I am whispering. But there’s something a little phony about him, don’t you think? No one is listening, dude, relax. Why is everyone, like, so in love with the guy? It’s just an opinion. Anyway … whatever. I’m probably just bitter. I heard he just started seeing Penelope Schlotzsky, man. I’m pissed. I kind of had a thing for her. James and Penelope, man. Why do the beautiful, shallow people get all the breaks?
    DON .     (sings)
            OR I
            SHALL MARRY
            THE MILLER’S
            SON
    (cough, cough) Really? You don’t know it? Uch. How is that even possible? It’s Sondheim!
The doors open, and the class files in. Franny is the last to enter, and as she closes the classroom doors, slowly, sadly, we:
    BLACKOUT

5
 
    You have four messages .
BEEEP
Frances, it’s me, your father. I believe your Showcase appearance event is tonight. If we ever actually spoke, I would be able to wish you luck personally, but in these days of advancing technology I suppose I will have to settle for wishing you recorded, taped, good fortune. We’re starting Heart of Darkness next week. Please call me by Lord of the Flies at the very least. Also, about Katie’s wedding—oh well, not to nag—just give me a call .
BEEEP
Franny, it’s Casey. I’ll meet you at the theater at five, okay? Can we run lines? I keep messing up that one speech where I confess to the murder. I’m totally freaking out, are you? See you tonight!
BEEEP
Hi, Franny, it’s Clark. Just, uh, seeing how you are. Call me .
BEEEP
Dude, it’s cousin Katie. Your dad says you can only come to the wedding and not the rehearsal dinner ’cause you need to keep your shift on Fridays? Please don’t sweat it—I’m just glad you can come at all. I can’t wait for you to meet him. See you in June .
         BEEEP
    The applause is dying down, but the blood is still pounding in my ears so loudly I can’t tell whether it was the really appreciative kind of applause or the “we feel sorry for you” kind. My face is burning as I hurry offstage, still trying to make sense of what just happened—on this of all nights.
    Before this, the thing worrying me the most was how miffed Herb seemed that I had to take a night off from the club, and the confusing fact that James Franklin asked for my phone number when he’s clearly dating Penelope. But in light of what happened tonight, everything I’ve worried about in the last two weeks—or ever, really—seems totally insignificant.
    The scene with Casey went pretty well. I played a lawyer who interrogated her until she broke down and confessed to being the killer and wept, of course. While the stagehands whisked the table and chairs away, I had just a brief moment to change into my costume for the monologue in the tiny curtained area backstage. I don’t know what I was