Don’t get
me wrong, I’m no star. I am strictly middle of the pack as far as track goes,
but I love being a miler. I love the all-out run for the four laps. I can’t say
why. I guess sprints are too competitive. Everything’s about the start and then
the burn to the finish. Anyway, I knew I’d run well when I stopped and Coach
Landy gave me my time. It was 5:55, the first time I’d ever broken 6 minutes. “Oh
my God, “ I said. “Awesome!” I collapsed on the bleachers and Naya and Melissa
pounded my back.
After I got
showered and changed, I felt kind of hyper and I couldn’t stop talking. That’s
how I made my major error. I started chatting with stupid Sharon, who was
hanging around after cheerleading practice. I was feeling so expansive, I
started telling Sharon, of all people, about the day at the beach with Eve.
“She was down near the water in the chair,” I was saying, “and the most amazing
thing happened...”
“Wait a minute,”
Sharon said and held up her hand, “You three - you and Douglas and Eve went to
the beach? When was he home?”
“Just, I don’t
know - last month,” I started to say. I could see something was on her mind.
“Why does it matter when it was?”
“I just didn’t
know he was home,” Sharon said. Then I felt my throat tighten, because why
would Sharon be surprised Doug was home if she wasn’t in touch with him? If he
wasn’t calling her when he came? Sharon was pretty slutty and she’d been going
over there to visit Eve once in a while. There must have been some look of
dread on my face, some shadow of guilt in my eyes, because when our eyes met,
it seemed like Sharon was having more or less the same thought about me at the
same time, so that I sort of flinched and looked away. Of course, Sharon is one
of those bitchy girls who can figure a thing out pretty damn quick and go right
on the offensive, even without any real evidence, so she just screamed out,
“You slept with Douglas O’Meara, you slut!”
It wasn’t that
she called me a slut that made me lose it. What happened between me and Doug
was all I’d thought about for the past few weeks; it was preying on me, so,
naturally, I’d figured it had some sort of significance. But if Doug was
messing around with Sharon too, then what happened between us was just Doug
being a dog and me crushing on him, like an idiot. I didn’t think Doug was in
love with me, but I didn’t think he was that much of a man-slut either. At any
rate, there was only one critical point that still mattered: I absolutely did
not want Eve to know what had happened, and if Sharon knew that was it. I was
screwed. That was when I started screaming. At first, I didn’t even know what I
was saying. It was like I was speaking in tongues.
“Jesus Christ,
you’re such a fucking freakshow,” Sharon said. And off she went. I was still
shaking as she walked away, but a part of me knew I was the crazy one. Crazy
for that night with Doug. Crazy for letting Sharon see what I was thinking.
Coach Landy and my loser track friends were all standing there at the top of
the grassy hill, still staring at me. Naya made a move like she was going to
come running toward me, but I saw Melissa hold her back, which was smart since
I was in no shape to talk. I just got in my car and left. I had tears in my
eyes that I kept wiping away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I kept imagining
what dad would say, how unsafe it was to cry while driving. Either pull
over and weep, or get your act together and drive. I’m trying, I told him in
my head. Can’t
you see I’m trying? When I got home, Mom was still at the after-school center.
Milly, in the
meantime, got dropped off by a friend’s mom, and let herself in. She saw me
sitting at the kitchen table with my head in my hands. “What’s wrong? Andy,
where’s Mom?” Milly got this panicky look on her face. I meant to just push her
away from me, because I couldn’t take her big brown eyes staring up
me wrong, I’m no star. I am strictly middle of the pack as far as track goes,
but I love being a miler. I love the all-out run for the four laps. I can’t say
why. I guess sprints are too competitive. Everything’s about the start and then
the burn to the finish. Anyway, I knew I’d run well when I stopped and Coach
Landy gave me my time. It was 5:55, the first time I’d ever broken 6 minutes. “Oh
my God, “ I said. “Awesome!” I collapsed on the bleachers and Naya and Melissa
pounded my back.
After I got
showered and changed, I felt kind of hyper and I couldn’t stop talking. That’s
how I made my major error. I started chatting with stupid Sharon, who was
hanging around after cheerleading practice. I was feeling so expansive, I
started telling Sharon, of all people, about the day at the beach with Eve.
“She was down near the water in the chair,” I was saying, “and the most amazing
thing happened...”
“Wait a minute,”
Sharon said and held up her hand, “You three - you and Douglas and Eve went to
the beach? When was he home?”
“Just, I don’t
know - last month,” I started to say. I could see something was on her mind.
“Why does it matter when it was?”
“I just didn’t
know he was home,” Sharon said. Then I felt my throat tighten, because why
would Sharon be surprised Doug was home if she wasn’t in touch with him? If he
wasn’t calling her when he came? Sharon was pretty slutty and she’d been going
over there to visit Eve once in a while. There must have been some look of
dread on my face, some shadow of guilt in my eyes, because when our eyes met,
it seemed like Sharon was having more or less the same thought about me at the
same time, so that I sort of flinched and looked away. Of course, Sharon is one
of those bitchy girls who can figure a thing out pretty damn quick and go right
on the offensive, even without any real evidence, so she just screamed out,
“You slept with Douglas O’Meara, you slut!”
It wasn’t that
she called me a slut that made me lose it. What happened between me and Doug
was all I’d thought about for the past few weeks; it was preying on me, so,
naturally, I’d figured it had some sort of significance. But if Doug was
messing around with Sharon too, then what happened between us was just Doug
being a dog and me crushing on him, like an idiot. I didn’t think Doug was in
love with me, but I didn’t think he was that much of a man-slut either. At any
rate, there was only one critical point that still mattered: I absolutely did
not want Eve to know what had happened, and if Sharon knew that was it. I was
screwed. That was when I started screaming. At first, I didn’t even know what I
was saying. It was like I was speaking in tongues.
“Jesus Christ,
you’re such a fucking freakshow,” Sharon said. And off she went. I was still
shaking as she walked away, but a part of me knew I was the crazy one. Crazy
for that night with Doug. Crazy for letting Sharon see what I was thinking.
Coach Landy and my loser track friends were all standing there at the top of
the grassy hill, still staring at me. Naya made a move like she was going to
come running toward me, but I saw Melissa hold her back, which was smart since
I was in no shape to talk. I just got in my car and left. I had tears in my
eyes that I kept wiping away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I kept imagining
what dad would say, how unsafe it was to cry while driving. Either pull
over and weep, or get your act together and drive. I’m trying, I told him in
my head. Can’t
you see I’m trying? When I got home, Mom was still at the after-school center.
Milly, in the
meantime, got dropped off by a friend’s mom, and let herself in. She saw me
sitting at the kitchen table with my head in my hands. “What’s wrong? Andy,
where’s Mom?” Milly got this panicky look on her face. I meant to just push her
away from me, because I couldn’t take her big brown eyes staring up
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