Sprout Mask Replica by Robert Rankin Page A

sit down, we have much to discuss.’
    ‘We do?
I mean, yes, we do.’
    ‘Exactly.’
    Felix
seated himself on one of the leather Chesterfields.
    ‘Now,’
said the man, ‘as you are no doubt aware, we at the Ministry of Serendipity
have had our eye on you for quite some time.’
    ‘I
thought as much,’ said Felix. ‘Although of course I never said anything,
because I realized that it’s all very hush-hush.’ He tapped at his nose in the
approved manner.
    ‘Quite,’
said the man, tapping his. ‘So, as you must also know, we have a very good
reason for having our eye upon you.’
    ‘Of
course,’ said Felix, stroking his chin. ‘Indeed, but would you care to refresh
my memory?’
    ‘Most
amusing,’ said the man. ‘But why not. It is no doubt clear to you, Mr Lemon,
that you are not as other men.’
    Felix
nodded vigorously.
    ‘You
are different,’ said the man. ‘You are special. You see, all fads and fashions,
inventions, innovations, thoughts and theories have their origins somewhere.
People take a hint from others who have previously taken a hint from others
still, but somewhere at the back of it all there is an originator. What we have
come to recognize as the Alpha Man. He is the last, or rather the first, in the
line. The average man-in-the-street doesn’t really have any ideas of his own.
He merely reflects upon ideas that are given to him, through books, through the
media. Ideas which come from the few. The few control the many, thus it
was ever so.’
    ‘Thus
it was ever so what?’ asked Felix.
    ‘Most
amusing,’ said the man once more. ‘The Alpha Man is the first in the line of
idea-to-creation-of form And our researches tell us that for the most part the
Alpha Man is unaware of what he is. He is constantly plagued by seeing his
original ideas being exploited by others.’
    ‘Quite
true,’ said Felix. ‘I was just going to say the very same thing. Said it plenty
of times before, also.’
    ‘Quite.
Well our researches lead us to believe that you are such an Alpha Man. We have
so far found only one other.’
    ‘Yes,’
said Felix, adding, for good measure, ‘I know.’
    ‘You do know. Splendid, splendid.’ The man leaned back in his chair and twiddled
his thumbs. ‘What a relief that is. We have made the occasional slip up, as you
can imagine.’
    ‘Indeed
I can.’
    ‘Poor
Larry.’
    ‘Larry?’
    ‘Our
first Alpha Man. But let us not speak of such horrors, let us concentrate on
your good self.’
    ‘Are
you offering me a job?’ Felix asked.
    ‘The job,’ said the man. ‘The job.’
    ‘Larry’s
job?’
    ‘Got it
in one.
    ‘And
what exactly would this job entail?’
    ‘Just
sitting mostly. Sitting and thinking.’
    ‘Thinking
about what?’
    ‘All
manner of things. It’s your thoughts we want. Just yours and nobody
else’s. You love your country, don’t you?’
    ‘Of
course,’ said Felix. ‘But what has that got to do with it?’
    ‘It has everything to do with it. It is the whole point of it. To be very brief,
those who run our country do not always run it well. The public’s view, the
view of the-man-in-the-street, is that politicians are all careerists, out for
what they can get at the expense of the general population. But this is not the
case. Politicians are, for the most part, sincere individuals. It’s just that
when they get into power they realize that they’re not actually any good at
running the country. All they were ever any good at was being politicians. And
it’s not quite the same thing.’
    ‘You
want me to be Prime Minister,’ said Felix, warming to the idea.
    ‘Not
exactly. We want you to be more “the power behind the throne”.’
    ‘Does
the Prime Minister have a throne?’
    ‘Most
amusing. Your job will be to apply your special gift to affairs of state.
Problems that baffle the average cabinet minister will be as nothing to you.
With an Alpha Man at the helm, the Empire will flourish. Jobs for all,
prosperity for all. An end to