more than falling. And now I’m wondering if he’s talking about the things I saw. Stop, I tell myself. Blaze can’t see the contents of my head. Anyway, none of this is real. There are no screaming mini-people. Parks with gorgeous guys in them do not exist.
Blaze is waiting for me to answer. So I do what I’d normally do, which is laugh.
‘How would I know? I was out of it, remember?’
‘Your eyes were moving. You were looking at something.’
‘Oh my Dot. You were watching me?’
‘You fell. I came to help.’
I can’t stop myself. ‘Even if you were watching me, it still doesn’t mean you have one single clue –’
‘Yeah I do.’
Then, I swear it, I snort. The sound is like something an animal would make. It’s so un-Wren. As in, it’s a totally prehappy sound.
‘Yeah, um, that’s impossible. There’s no way you could ever know what I see when my eyes are closed.’
Blaze’s eyebrows go up.
I blurt, ‘Not that I see anything prenormal or anything. I mean …’
That’s when Blaze starts to smile. An actual grin, maybe the first one I’ve ever seen from him.
‘So there is another you,’ he says. ‘A real you.’
He runs his hand over his chin and I can hear the little hairs there crackling under his calloused fingers. Mostly the hairs on his chin are brown but there’s the odd glimmery gold one too.
I try another laugh. ‘There’s only one me.’
‘Happy, fun, bubbly Wren.’
He goes on stroking his chin.
‘Can you not do that?’
‘You don’t like stubble?’
I smile like Blaze has made some hilarious joke. Snorting, prehappy Wren is gone. I force her to disappear.
‘Dot created it, so why wouldn’t I?’
The ceiling fan turns lazy circles above our heads. The butterflies dip and hover in front of my eyes.
Then, out of nowhere, Blaze goes, ‘We’re the same, you know.’
Underneath me the bed’s kind of tipping and lurching, but I manage to act like it isn’t.
‘Last time I looked, I don’t have stubble. No chub. So no, we’re nothing alike.’
Blaze’s shoulders draw together and he sighs, ‘It happens to me.’
‘Seriously, I don’t know –’
‘You’ve seen outside. Places. People. Words you shouldn’t know.’
Straightaway, I hear those screams in the park again. The feel of that little body in its fuzzy red sungarb. Completely imagined, wispy little nothings. They’re things Dot chose to put in my head for reasons only she understands. Not worthwhile talking about, which is why I’m not even going to admit to Blaze that they exist.
‘Um, try no ? I do not see anything outside because there’s no such thing.’
Blaze’s chin-stroking goes from thoughtful to all determined and focused, like his entire existence hinges on it.
‘I don’t know what it is or why it happens. I don’t know why it’s only you and me.’
That’s when a wild, pure, raw prehappiness surges up inside me. Somehow, we’re talking about stuff that isn’t real as though it is. Thinking about things that should be left to Dot.
Then Blaze veers off again.
‘Did you like climbing the rocks by the lagoon?’
I prop myself up on my elbow.
‘I loved it.’
‘You looked prehappy.’
‘When?’
‘When you froze.’
How does he know what I felt when that happened, the squeezing of my insides, my hands all wet and clammy? And how much does he know about the other part, the part where I wondered whether or not I would really meet Dot?
‘Are you kidding me? I was absolutely fine. ’
‘Not precalm about falling?’
He slams his hands together and makes this huge crashing noise.
‘ Wham! That’s it. Gone.’
Blaze’s hands drops to his knees. He’s kind of rubbing them or kneading them or something. I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, same as the thing I’ve been doing with my fingers.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
I’m so ready to stop this conversation.
‘You knew you’d meet Dot if you went beyond? You were
Blaze is waiting for me to answer. So I do what I’d normally do, which is laugh.
‘How would I know? I was out of it, remember?’
‘Your eyes were moving. You were looking at something.’
‘Oh my Dot. You were watching me?’
‘You fell. I came to help.’
I can’t stop myself. ‘Even if you were watching me, it still doesn’t mean you have one single clue –’
‘Yeah I do.’
Then, I swear it, I snort. The sound is like something an animal would make. It’s so un-Wren. As in, it’s a totally prehappy sound.
‘Yeah, um, that’s impossible. There’s no way you could ever know what I see when my eyes are closed.’
Blaze’s eyebrows go up.
I blurt, ‘Not that I see anything prenormal or anything. I mean …’
That’s when Blaze starts to smile. An actual grin, maybe the first one I’ve ever seen from him.
‘So there is another you,’ he says. ‘A real you.’
He runs his hand over his chin and I can hear the little hairs there crackling under his calloused fingers. Mostly the hairs on his chin are brown but there’s the odd glimmery gold one too.
I try another laugh. ‘There’s only one me.’
‘Happy, fun, bubbly Wren.’
He goes on stroking his chin.
‘Can you not do that?’
‘You don’t like stubble?’
I smile like Blaze has made some hilarious joke. Snorting, prehappy Wren is gone. I force her to disappear.
‘Dot created it, so why wouldn’t I?’
The ceiling fan turns lazy circles above our heads. The butterflies dip and hover in front of my eyes.
Then, out of nowhere, Blaze goes, ‘We’re the same, you know.’
Underneath me the bed’s kind of tipping and lurching, but I manage to act like it isn’t.
‘Last time I looked, I don’t have stubble. No chub. So no, we’re nothing alike.’
Blaze’s shoulders draw together and he sighs, ‘It happens to me.’
‘Seriously, I don’t know –’
‘You’ve seen outside. Places. People. Words you shouldn’t know.’
Straightaway, I hear those screams in the park again. The feel of that little body in its fuzzy red sungarb. Completely imagined, wispy little nothings. They’re things Dot chose to put in my head for reasons only she understands. Not worthwhile talking about, which is why I’m not even going to admit to Blaze that they exist.
‘Um, try no ? I do not see anything outside because there’s no such thing.’
Blaze’s chin-stroking goes from thoughtful to all determined and focused, like his entire existence hinges on it.
‘I don’t know what it is or why it happens. I don’t know why it’s only you and me.’
That’s when a wild, pure, raw prehappiness surges up inside me. Somehow, we’re talking about stuff that isn’t real as though it is. Thinking about things that should be left to Dot.
Then Blaze veers off again.
‘Did you like climbing the rocks by the lagoon?’
I prop myself up on my elbow.
‘I loved it.’
‘You looked prehappy.’
‘When?’
‘When you froze.’
How does he know what I felt when that happened, the squeezing of my insides, my hands all wet and clammy? And how much does he know about the other part, the part where I wondered whether or not I would really meet Dot?
‘Are you kidding me? I was absolutely fine. ’
‘Not precalm about falling?’
He slams his hands together and makes this huge crashing noise.
‘ Wham! That’s it. Gone.’
Blaze’s hands drops to his knees. He’s kind of rubbing them or kneading them or something. I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, same as the thing I’ve been doing with my fingers.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
I’m so ready to stop this conversation.
‘You knew you’d meet Dot if you went beyond? You were
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