Strong Enough by TERESA HILL

would I agree to put on
spandex and smash my twins in a sports bra, let alone work out in a
gym where people can see me and say God knows what about me. Good
lord what I have done?
    Standing in front of the full length mirror
that stood propped up against the wall in my bedroom, I take note
of myself. Swiveling from side to side eyeing myself in the mirror,
I proceed to do what every woman in front of a mirror does. Lifting
my shirt up to show my stomach I suck in, turn to the right, view,
turn to the left, view and then let out a breath and see what it
really looks like. Pinching here, poking there, I now think this
gym idea is way past due. When did I get
fat?
    Pulling out the scale from my closet, I
placed it on the dark walnut wood scraped floor of my bedroom. I
can’t remember how long it’s been since I have stepped on a scale,
I take a deep breath and lift my right foot and step on. Ugh, I don’t want to see . My hands
rush to cover my face and eyes. My fingers spread apart from over
my eyes and I bravely glance down at the number staring back at me. WHAT THE FUCK! When did, how in the world, why
didn’t I notice? I mean sure I bought a size, or two up on jeans
but damn!
    I don’t know if I can say the current
feeling is disbelief, anger, shame, embarrassment or questioning.
What I do know is that I feel less and less like I want to go to
the gym and instead want to crawl into bed and never eat again.
Great, just another thing I need to fix about me. With a feeling of
dejection, I step off the scale and looked at myself again in the
mirror. I don’t feel fat. I never thought I looked fat. Sure I’m
not a skinny girl, never have been, but I never saw myself as fat.
I am trying to calculate how much weight I have gained, but I’m
having a hard time remembering the last time I looked at my
weight.
    I’ve been in school for five years now, I
guess the freshman fifteen of course hit me and because life hates
me it decided to double. It is shocking to me how I never noticed.
I guess when someone tells you “you carry your weight well” that is
an indication that there is “extra” weight.
    Turning around I start to pull these thigh
and ass hugging spandex off just as I hear my cell phone chime.
    Sterling S: Meet you at the front of the gym in
15min
    Me: Ummmmm not gonna make it
    Sterling S: Why?
    Me: cuz
    Sterling S: WHY?
    Me: why do you care? Just leave it alone
    Sterling S: No Reece, you said you were gonna do
this so get your ass up here
    Me: I don’t want to
    Sterling S: What happened?
    Me: Please drop it
    Sterling S: Reece, i’ll drop it if you meet me for
ONE workout
    Contemplating how to answer and if I wanted to
answer I stand there phone in hand biting on my thumb nail. I know
I agreed to this…
    Me: FINE, i’ll be there in 15min
    Sterling S: good see u in a bit
    Throwing my phone on my bed, I stood there arms
crossed over my chest, a little irritated that I gave in so
quickly. Realizing that I just need to suck it up and get it over
with, I grab the awful spandex workout Capris and squeeze back into
them. Walking through my apartment, I grab a hair tie sitting on
the table, a water from the fridge and my purse.
    I step outside of my little apartment into
the bright and blistering Texas sun. Thank God
for air conditioning, it’s hot as hell out here. Taking
the stairs quickly I hit the bottom landing and head to my car.
    As I walk to my car, I remember when I first
bought it. When dad died, he made sure to list in his will that
$40,000 be given to me solely for buying a new car when I went to
college. He didn’t want me to drive a used car because he wouldn’t
be there to work on it. My mom couldn’t believe that I had that
much money to use for a car, she actually was really upset about
it. I have never been a materialistic person. I had been driving my
dad’s old Honda Accord when I got my license at 16. I drove that
car until the maintenance started to become expensive and that’s
when I did