doesn't want to waste money on a lawyer for a case that isn't going anywhere."
"But how can he be sure?"
"I don't know. He seems entirely unfazed by the whole deal, which seems at odds with the way he presented his situation to you."
"Are you saying I misunderstood?"
"No."
"Because I didn't," she said. "He came to me and said he was desperate. That he had no money. That even if he won, the case would destitute him."
"He says that is not the situation. He says he's doing fine."
"What does he say when you tell him what I told you?"
"He says you were always a little dramatic."
Susan was silent. She swirled her glass of wine and looked at it as if something might be floating in it.
"And how did you respond to that?" Susan said.
"I disagreed."
She looked at her wine some more.
"I hate the image," she said. "Two men sitting around discussing whether I am dramatic."
I nodded. The cocktail party mingled loudly around us. I could see Hawk, taller than most of the room, listening impassively to some guy wearing round gold rimmed glasses, who was making a chopping gesture with his right hand. Probably talking about HMO fee structures.
"Did you get to discuss sleeping with me?" Susan said.
"No."
"I hate this."
"Would you like me to drop it?" I said.
"No."
"Sort of narrows the options," I said.
"Oh don't be so goddamned male," Susan said. "This is very painful. My ex-husband, my current, ah, lover, sitting there talking about me."
"Why?" I said.
"Why? Why wouldn't it be?"
I had a sense that asking why it would be, while symmetrical, wasn't going to get us anywhere.
"Susan," I said. "He doesn't mind that you're with me now. And I don't mind that you were with him then. He appears to like you. I love you. We both speak well of you."
"I don't like it that you speak of me at all."
"I never expected that I would be the only man you had ever been with," I said. "Hell, even after we were together there was Russell."
"Don't speak of him," she said.
"Suze…"
"I would like us to pretend that he never happened," Susan said. "That Brad never happened. That there was nothing and no one prior to that snowy Sunday after I came back from San Francisco."
"Isn't that what you shrinks call denial?" I said.
"Denial is when you tell yourself lies," Susan said.
"What is it when we tell each other lies?"
"Why is it a lie not to talk about the other men in my life? I should think you'd be thrilled not to talk about them."
"Everything in your life interests me. There's nothing I mind talking about."
"Well, I do."
"And yet you asked me to save him," I said.
"It doesn't mean we have to talk about it."
I decided that it would also be counterproductive to remind her that the conversation had started by her asking about Brad.
Instead I said, "Okay with me."
"I couldn't forgive myself," Susan said, "if I let my pathologies contribute to his ruin."
"How about our ruin?" I said.
Susan put her hand on my arm.
"This is a rough patch, and you'll have to help me through it. But nothing can ruin us."
"Good point," I said.
chapter fourteen
I SAT IN THE periodical room at the Boston Public Library reading back issues of the Globe and taking notes. Sterling's event at the Convention Center had gotten a lot of press. It had been called Galapalooza. It featured food, drink, celebrities, a message from the President of the United States, and music from a hot singer named Sister Sass. A long list of charities participated and each received a share of the profits. I took down the list of charities, in alphabetical order, and went calling.
The first place was an AIDS support organization operating out of the first-floor front of a three-decker on Hampden Street in Roxbury down back of the Newmarket. The director was a short thin woman with a fierce tangle of blonde hair. Her name was Mattie Clayman.
"You got something says who you are," she said.
I showed her my license.
"So how come a private detective is asking about
"But how can he be sure?"
"I don't know. He seems entirely unfazed by the whole deal, which seems at odds with the way he presented his situation to you."
"Are you saying I misunderstood?"
"No."
"Because I didn't," she said. "He came to me and said he was desperate. That he had no money. That even if he won, the case would destitute him."
"He says that is not the situation. He says he's doing fine."
"What does he say when you tell him what I told you?"
"He says you were always a little dramatic."
Susan was silent. She swirled her glass of wine and looked at it as if something might be floating in it.
"And how did you respond to that?" Susan said.
"I disagreed."
She looked at her wine some more.
"I hate the image," she said. "Two men sitting around discussing whether I am dramatic."
I nodded. The cocktail party mingled loudly around us. I could see Hawk, taller than most of the room, listening impassively to some guy wearing round gold rimmed glasses, who was making a chopping gesture with his right hand. Probably talking about HMO fee structures.
"Did you get to discuss sleeping with me?" Susan said.
"No."
"I hate this."
"Would you like me to drop it?" I said.
"No."
"Sort of narrows the options," I said.
"Oh don't be so goddamned male," Susan said. "This is very painful. My ex-husband, my current, ah, lover, sitting there talking about me."
"Why?" I said.
"Why? Why wouldn't it be?"
I had a sense that asking why it would be, while symmetrical, wasn't going to get us anywhere.
"Susan," I said. "He doesn't mind that you're with me now. And I don't mind that you were with him then. He appears to like you. I love you. We both speak well of you."
"I don't like it that you speak of me at all."
"I never expected that I would be the only man you had ever been with," I said. "Hell, even after we were together there was Russell."
"Don't speak of him," she said.
"Suze…"
"I would like us to pretend that he never happened," Susan said. "That Brad never happened. That there was nothing and no one prior to that snowy Sunday after I came back from San Francisco."
"Isn't that what you shrinks call denial?" I said.
"Denial is when you tell yourself lies," Susan said.
"What is it when we tell each other lies?"
"Why is it a lie not to talk about the other men in my life? I should think you'd be thrilled not to talk about them."
"Everything in your life interests me. There's nothing I mind talking about."
"Well, I do."
"And yet you asked me to save him," I said.
"It doesn't mean we have to talk about it."
I decided that it would also be counterproductive to remind her that the conversation had started by her asking about Brad.
Instead I said, "Okay with me."
"I couldn't forgive myself," Susan said, "if I let my pathologies contribute to his ruin."
"How about our ruin?" I said.
Susan put her hand on my arm.
"This is a rough patch, and you'll have to help me through it. But nothing can ruin us."
"Good point," I said.
chapter fourteen
I SAT IN THE periodical room at the Boston Public Library reading back issues of the Globe and taking notes. Sterling's event at the Convention Center had gotten a lot of press. It had been called Galapalooza. It featured food, drink, celebrities, a message from the President of the United States, and music from a hot singer named Sister Sass. A long list of charities participated and each received a share of the profits. I took down the list of charities, in alphabetical order, and went calling.
The first place was an AIDS support organization operating out of the first-floor front of a three-decker on Hampden Street in Roxbury down back of the Newmarket. The director was a short thin woman with a fierce tangle of blonde hair. Her name was Mattie Clayman.
"You got something says who you are," she said.
I showed her my license.
"So how come a private detective is asking about
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