hold things
against you too much. We’re flawed.”
Kirk wanted to smile, and I caught him fighting
with his lips to avoid giving in.
“You have time to change,” he said.
“So do you.”
Kirk sighed. “This is why I can’t talk to you.
Everything you say sounds so rational, and I think you’re right, but you’re
not.”
“I’m not arguing about this with you, but I am
right, and you are wrong. Trust me. I know things.”
“You do, huh?”
Smiling slightly, I let go of his hand and stepped
back. “Be nice to me, Kirk Johansson.”
He finally shared my smile and then surprised me by
cupping my jaw. “I’ll do my best, but that ain’t saying much.”
“It’ll do for now.”
After our mini-blowout, Kirk and I fell into an
uneasy acceptance of what we had become. We were lovers who didn’t fuck and
friends who didn’t trust each other. Well, I figured Kirk mostly didn’t trust
himself. He still ignored me too much, and I still resented him for being so
damn stubborn.
That year, we enjoyed a quiet Christmas. He bought
me a yin yang necklace. I bought him a skull design lighter. Before he opened
it, I teased him by saying it was a box of condoms. He wasn’t amused, but I
laughed so hard at his expression that I nearly peed myself.
11 - Jodi
E very night for weeks, I imagined climbing into
Kirk’s bed. I always chickened out, fearing he might reject me. The night I
finally took the plunge wasn’t so different than any other night. I wasn’t sure
why I needed to know on that particular Tuesday, but I forced myself off the
couch at a little after two am.
First, I used the restroom. After cleaning up, I
stared in the mirror. I wasn’t ravishing with my tired eyes and bedhead.
Despite not feeling the least bit sexy, I stripped out of my clothes and walked
into Kirk’s bedroom.
He’d fallen asleep an hour earlier. I often
remained awake and listened to him moving in bed. That night, he stirred more
than usual. Had he been restless like me? Had he craved my touch the way I
did his?
I pulled back his sheet and crawled into bed. Kirk
slept naked, and I shivered at the sight of him. His tanned and tatted skin was
dark against the white sheets. Even tempted to touch him, I still hesitated.
Kirk sat up with a start, thinking he was under
attack. I flinched at his sudden moment and then waited for him to wake enough
to understand.
“Jodi?” he asked. He blinked rapidly in the
darkness and said, “Jodi.”
The second time he said my name, his voice was
filled with warmth.
“Please,” I whispered, placing my shaking hand on
his chest.
Kirk’s expression was unreadable in the shadowy
room. He pulled back the covers enough for me to slide closer. Once we were
under the sheets, his smile erased my fears.
I was a woman before that night, but Kirk made me
his woman with every kiss and hushed word. He was always tender even while
demanding everything I could give. Kirk once said he would never take my
innocence, and I’d laughed about having no innocence left.
In fact, our night together rekindled my innocence.
My childlike belief in love and happy endings returned because of Kirk.
For as long as I could remember, I hadn’t felt
loved. With Kirk, I was overcome with the feeling. It wasn’t a sweet,
redemptive love, but the desperate sort. Kirk made me believe my presence alone
could save him.
In the dark room on a cold winter night, Kirk
looked at me with the gaze of a man drowning in a hell of his own making.
12 - Kirk
T he morning after I took Jodi’s virginity, I
suffered the retribution of my selfishness.
I awoke next to the best woman I’d ever known. She
was beautiful and strong, and I was a fucking loser for having her in my bed.
With my lust sated, I could see clearer how I’d given into my basest needs
while ignoring my common sense.
Jodi was still a kid in a thousand little ways I’d
chosen to ignore. I only focused on the thousands of ways she was a woman. I
hated myself for
against you too much. We’re flawed.”
Kirk wanted to smile, and I caught him fighting
with his lips to avoid giving in.
“You have time to change,” he said.
“So do you.”
Kirk sighed. “This is why I can’t talk to you.
Everything you say sounds so rational, and I think you’re right, but you’re
not.”
“I’m not arguing about this with you, but I am
right, and you are wrong. Trust me. I know things.”
“You do, huh?”
Smiling slightly, I let go of his hand and stepped
back. “Be nice to me, Kirk Johansson.”
He finally shared my smile and then surprised me by
cupping my jaw. “I’ll do my best, but that ain’t saying much.”
“It’ll do for now.”
After our mini-blowout, Kirk and I fell into an
uneasy acceptance of what we had become. We were lovers who didn’t fuck and
friends who didn’t trust each other. Well, I figured Kirk mostly didn’t trust
himself. He still ignored me too much, and I still resented him for being so
damn stubborn.
That year, we enjoyed a quiet Christmas. He bought
me a yin yang necklace. I bought him a skull design lighter. Before he opened
it, I teased him by saying it was a box of condoms. He wasn’t amused, but I
laughed so hard at his expression that I nearly peed myself.
11 - Jodi
E very night for weeks, I imagined climbing into
Kirk’s bed. I always chickened out, fearing he might reject me. The night I
finally took the plunge wasn’t so different than any other night. I wasn’t sure
why I needed to know on that particular Tuesday, but I forced myself off the
couch at a little after two am.
First, I used the restroom. After cleaning up, I
stared in the mirror. I wasn’t ravishing with my tired eyes and bedhead.
Despite not feeling the least bit sexy, I stripped out of my clothes and walked
into Kirk’s bedroom.
He’d fallen asleep an hour earlier. I often
remained awake and listened to him moving in bed. That night, he stirred more
than usual. Had he been restless like me? Had he craved my touch the way I
did his?
I pulled back his sheet and crawled into bed. Kirk
slept naked, and I shivered at the sight of him. His tanned and tatted skin was
dark against the white sheets. Even tempted to touch him, I still hesitated.
Kirk sat up with a start, thinking he was under
attack. I flinched at his sudden moment and then waited for him to wake enough
to understand.
“Jodi?” he asked. He blinked rapidly in the
darkness and said, “Jodi.”
The second time he said my name, his voice was
filled with warmth.
“Please,” I whispered, placing my shaking hand on
his chest.
Kirk’s expression was unreadable in the shadowy
room. He pulled back the covers enough for me to slide closer. Once we were
under the sheets, his smile erased my fears.
I was a woman before that night, but Kirk made me
his woman with every kiss and hushed word. He was always tender even while
demanding everything I could give. Kirk once said he would never take my
innocence, and I’d laughed about having no innocence left.
In fact, our night together rekindled my innocence.
My childlike belief in love and happy endings returned because of Kirk.
For as long as I could remember, I hadn’t felt
loved. With Kirk, I was overcome with the feeling. It wasn’t a sweet,
redemptive love, but the desperate sort. Kirk made me believe my presence alone
could save him.
In the dark room on a cold winter night, Kirk
looked at me with the gaze of a man drowning in a hell of his own making.
12 - Kirk
T he morning after I took Jodi’s virginity, I
suffered the retribution of my selfishness.
I awoke next to the best woman I’d ever known. She
was beautiful and strong, and I was a fucking loser for having her in my bed.
With my lust sated, I could see clearer how I’d given into my basest needs
while ignoring my common sense.
Jodi was still a kid in a thousand little ways I’d
chosen to ignore. I only focused on the thousands of ways she was a woman. I
hated myself for
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