taking the easy, selfish route.
I blamed Jodi too. At seventeen, she was too young
for me, but she was too old to believe in fairytales. She looked at me as her
savior. She believed love healed all wounds. That together we could defeat
every obstacle. These were the fantasies of a hurt child in the dark, not the
beliefs of a strong woman.
Pissed at us, I stayed awake long after Jodi dozed
off next to me. I clearly saw my past and future. Fuck Jodi and fuck me and
fuck life for putting us in the position to think we mattered.
Our hopes didn’t mean anything more than the dreams
of the people at the Princess Farms Trailer Park. The men in my club had no
chance of having something beautiful. To think I was better than them was a
fucking loser move.
With Jodi, my common sense left me. So I left
her.
Sneaking out just after dawn, I didn’t leave a note
before riding off on my Harley.
I rode for hours. The sun warmed the day before
shifting lowering in the sky that evening. I stopped to eat once, maybe twice.
Nothing felt real anymore. I had to keep driving until I found the path back to
a world, and a Kirk, that made sense.
Long after the sun disappeared, I raced through a
foggy night on a lonely road deep in Georgia. Only when the cold and fog grew
too overwhelming did I stop to sleep. The motel looked as beat-up as I felt.
I didn’t check my beeper to see if anyone contacted
me. Before climbing into bed, I didn’t even take off my shoes. I collapsed face
down on the bed, closed my eyes, and let the world fall away.
In the morning, I planned to return to Chesterfield and Jodi. I’d make things right by ending what I should never have started.
That night, though, I let myself dream the way Jodi
often did. Love and destiny were all that mattered. Despite the beautiful lies,
I knew in the morning I would give up the only beautiful thing I’d ever known.
13 - Jodi
K irk left before I woke and he didn’t return for two
days. I skipped out on school so I could stay at the apartment and wait for
him. Classes didn’t matter. Nothing did until I saw Kirk again.
At first, I thought he needed time to think. When
he didn’t return that evening, I worried he was hurt. Had he tried taking
out his frustrations in a fight and lost? Was he in the hospital? Jail? The
morgue? The last thought left me in a panic, unable to do more than sit on
the couch and stare at the door.
Kirk left like a whisper, but he returned like a
tornado. Tearing into the apartment, he stopped for only a second when he found
me sitting on the couch where I’d been for over a day.
“New plan, kid. You’re moving out. I’m moving on.”
His words didn’t register. I was so shocked to see
him. Relieved yet in disbelief, I struggled to understand what was happening.
After a minute, I accepted he was alive and well. I still didn’t understand
what he was saying.
“What?”
“Get packing.”
“I don’t understand. Where have you been?”
“None of your fucking business. Get your shit. I’m
taking you back to your place.”
I stood up and looked around, still stunned by his
sudden reappearance. I’d convinced myself he was in danger. Where had he
been all this time? Did he shack up with some whore while I sat around worrying
about him?
“Where were you?” I asked again.
“I want you out of the apartment.”
“No.”
“Not a request. I’m leaving,” he said, reaching for
the doorknob. “When I get back, I want you out of here.”
Seeing him ready to walk out again, I ran to Kirk
and slapped him across the face. I hadn’t planned to hit him, but my hand had a
mind of its own. Kirk lifted his hand as a reflex, and I braced for his
retaliation. Once his dark eyes registered who attacked him, he lowered his
hand.
His expression made me even angrier. “So you’ll
break my heart, but you won’t fight me. Do you think that makes you a good
guy?”
“I know exactly what I am, Jodi. I’ve been fucking
trying to tell you I’m
I blamed Jodi too. At seventeen, she was too young
for me, but she was too old to believe in fairytales. She looked at me as her
savior. She believed love healed all wounds. That together we could defeat
every obstacle. These were the fantasies of a hurt child in the dark, not the
beliefs of a strong woman.
Pissed at us, I stayed awake long after Jodi dozed
off next to me. I clearly saw my past and future. Fuck Jodi and fuck me and
fuck life for putting us in the position to think we mattered.
Our hopes didn’t mean anything more than the dreams
of the people at the Princess Farms Trailer Park. The men in my club had no
chance of having something beautiful. To think I was better than them was a
fucking loser move.
With Jodi, my common sense left me. So I left
her.
Sneaking out just after dawn, I didn’t leave a note
before riding off on my Harley.
I rode for hours. The sun warmed the day before
shifting lowering in the sky that evening. I stopped to eat once, maybe twice.
Nothing felt real anymore. I had to keep driving until I found the path back to
a world, and a Kirk, that made sense.
Long after the sun disappeared, I raced through a
foggy night on a lonely road deep in Georgia. Only when the cold and fog grew
too overwhelming did I stop to sleep. The motel looked as beat-up as I felt.
I didn’t check my beeper to see if anyone contacted
me. Before climbing into bed, I didn’t even take off my shoes. I collapsed face
down on the bed, closed my eyes, and let the world fall away.
In the morning, I planned to return to Chesterfield and Jodi. I’d make things right by ending what I should never have started.
That night, though, I let myself dream the way Jodi
often did. Love and destiny were all that mattered. Despite the beautiful lies,
I knew in the morning I would give up the only beautiful thing I’d ever known.
13 - Jodi
K irk left before I woke and he didn’t return for two
days. I skipped out on school so I could stay at the apartment and wait for
him. Classes didn’t matter. Nothing did until I saw Kirk again.
At first, I thought he needed time to think. When
he didn’t return that evening, I worried he was hurt. Had he tried taking
out his frustrations in a fight and lost? Was he in the hospital? Jail? The
morgue? The last thought left me in a panic, unable to do more than sit on
the couch and stare at the door.
Kirk left like a whisper, but he returned like a
tornado. Tearing into the apartment, he stopped for only a second when he found
me sitting on the couch where I’d been for over a day.
“New plan, kid. You’re moving out. I’m moving on.”
His words didn’t register. I was so shocked to see
him. Relieved yet in disbelief, I struggled to understand what was happening.
After a minute, I accepted he was alive and well. I still didn’t understand
what he was saying.
“What?”
“Get packing.”
“I don’t understand. Where have you been?”
“None of your fucking business. Get your shit. I’m
taking you back to your place.”
I stood up and looked around, still stunned by his
sudden reappearance. I’d convinced myself he was in danger. Where had he
been all this time? Did he shack up with some whore while I sat around worrying
about him?
“Where were you?” I asked again.
“I want you out of the apartment.”
“No.”
“Not a request. I’m leaving,” he said, reaching for
the doorknob. “When I get back, I want you out of here.”
Seeing him ready to walk out again, I ran to Kirk
and slapped him across the face. I hadn’t planned to hit him, but my hand had a
mind of its own. Kirk lifted his hand as a reflex, and I braced for his
retaliation. Once his dark eyes registered who attacked him, he lowered his
hand.
His expression made me even angrier. “So you’ll
break my heart, but you won’t fight me. Do you think that makes you a good
guy?”
“I know exactly what I am, Jodi. I’ve been fucking
trying to tell you I’m
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