it, lie back and enjoy. Our conversation
regarding ties comes back to me, and I’m grateful Marlene arrives with our
drinks.
A few sips of
the fruity cocktail go a long way to calm my nerves. This is more like
something I’m used to, going out with the girls, have a few drinks and good
conversation…but of course, it isn’t, can never be the same. We’re all on equal
footing in our little group. I wonder what they would say if they knew about my
situation. As it is, they have probably heard I’m taking a time-out. Haley,
always juggling kids and the job, and Lara who works longer hours than the rest
of us…would they envy me?
The fact that it
is a woman who pulled all the strings, does that make it any better…or worse?
I don’t know
anymore.
“I know you’re
still adjusting,” Carter says. “That’s all right. You’ll have all the time you
need, and in the meantime, you can ask me anything. I don’t have that many
secrets.”
“Thanks…I
guess.”
If only I knew
where to start.
That night,
though, I’m taking my chances, tempting her, testing myself. After the rather pleasant evening, I am back in my bedroom,
not tired, still restless. I shower and dress for the occasion, but she keeps
me waiting. At some point I fall asleep on the covers, wearing nothing but a
set of lace and satin lingerie in a dark red.
Why not, since I
have so many to choose from? Her gentle touch rouses me from sleep, fingers
brushing over my arms and legs. I keep my eyes closed, but I know she knows I’m
not asleep anymore. When she is gone, my heart is racing, warmth pooling
between my legs, and I’m too wired to fall back asleep again.
* * * *
I’m alone at
breakfast. Marlene informs me that Carter had to leave unexpectedly, but that
she’ll be back as soon as possible. I feel the tug of something, an impossible,
irrational emotion. I miss her already. There’s something heady about a person
focusing on you completely, surrounding you, even if it’s wrong. It’s something
too easy to get used to.
Maybe, while
she’s away, I should try to get to a phone.
Back in my
suite, I look in the mirror, against all reason marveling at the change. I
don’t wear make-up, my hairstyle is the same, and yet a few days of not having
to observe a clock makes much of a difference—and the clothes.
Carter had one
week, to look at me, decide I was the one and assemble everything she
considered necessary to introduce me to a lifestyle I could only dream of so
far. Looking back on my first, panicked moments here, I cringe at the memory of
wanting to hold on to my old clothes.
What am I afraid
of, really? Carter, feeling me up in the dark with those warm, careful hands?
I try. I realize
that while I can ask for every comfort, food, clothing, books, I don’t have
anything to write on. I’ll need some supplies, if I want to study—or if I want
to formulate and escape plan. I better not write that down though.
I spend the
better part of the morning walking around, memorizing the way to the rooms I’m
allowed into, encountering a few locked doors. The pool is off limits for now
when Carter is not in the house, Marlene informs me regretfully, but if I
wanted to read in the sunroom…Beautiful high ceilings and a skylight much too
high to escape. I pick a couple of books from the box and sit in one of the
comfortable couches, sipping the iced coffee Marlene brings me.
I wish I could
chat with Haley or Lara, or even Marcie though we don’t have much in common.
Carter said I
could ask her anything. I should make a list then, right? I will have questions
for her when she comes back, no doubt about it—if she comes back. No, that’s a
stupid thing to think, of course she’ll be back. She doesn’t seem to be the
kind of person who invests so much in a project and then steps away. She has a
goal in all of this.
The realization
should be sobering, not coming with this foolish excitement.
Maybe I’ll get
my answers tonight. In the
regarding ties comes back to me, and I’m grateful Marlene arrives with our
drinks.
A few sips of
the fruity cocktail go a long way to calm my nerves. This is more like
something I’m used to, going out with the girls, have a few drinks and good
conversation…but of course, it isn’t, can never be the same. We’re all on equal
footing in our little group. I wonder what they would say if they knew about my
situation. As it is, they have probably heard I’m taking a time-out. Haley,
always juggling kids and the job, and Lara who works longer hours than the rest
of us…would they envy me?
The fact that it
is a woman who pulled all the strings, does that make it any better…or worse?
I don’t know
anymore.
“I know you’re
still adjusting,” Carter says. “That’s all right. You’ll have all the time you
need, and in the meantime, you can ask me anything. I don’t have that many
secrets.”
“Thanks…I
guess.”
If only I knew
where to start.
That night,
though, I’m taking my chances, tempting her, testing myself. After the rather pleasant evening, I am back in my bedroom,
not tired, still restless. I shower and dress for the occasion, but she keeps
me waiting. At some point I fall asleep on the covers, wearing nothing but a
set of lace and satin lingerie in a dark red.
Why not, since I
have so many to choose from? Her gentle touch rouses me from sleep, fingers
brushing over my arms and legs. I keep my eyes closed, but I know she knows I’m
not asleep anymore. When she is gone, my heart is racing, warmth pooling
between my legs, and I’m too wired to fall back asleep again.
* * * *
I’m alone at
breakfast. Marlene informs me that Carter had to leave unexpectedly, but that
she’ll be back as soon as possible. I feel the tug of something, an impossible,
irrational emotion. I miss her already. There’s something heady about a person
focusing on you completely, surrounding you, even if it’s wrong. It’s something
too easy to get used to.
Maybe, while
she’s away, I should try to get to a phone.
Back in my
suite, I look in the mirror, against all reason marveling at the change. I
don’t wear make-up, my hairstyle is the same, and yet a few days of not having
to observe a clock makes much of a difference—and the clothes.
Carter had one
week, to look at me, decide I was the one and assemble everything she
considered necessary to introduce me to a lifestyle I could only dream of so
far. Looking back on my first, panicked moments here, I cringe at the memory of
wanting to hold on to my old clothes.
What am I afraid
of, really? Carter, feeling me up in the dark with those warm, careful hands?
I try. I realize
that while I can ask for every comfort, food, clothing, books, I don’t have
anything to write on. I’ll need some supplies, if I want to study—or if I want
to formulate and escape plan. I better not write that down though.
I spend the
better part of the morning walking around, memorizing the way to the rooms I’m
allowed into, encountering a few locked doors. The pool is off limits for now
when Carter is not in the house, Marlene informs me regretfully, but if I
wanted to read in the sunroom…Beautiful high ceilings and a skylight much too
high to escape. I pick a couple of books from the box and sit in one of the
comfortable couches, sipping the iced coffee Marlene brings me.
I wish I could
chat with Haley or Lara, or even Marcie though we don’t have much in common.
Carter said I
could ask her anything. I should make a list then, right? I will have questions
for her when she comes back, no doubt about it—if she comes back. No, that’s a
stupid thing to think, of course she’ll be back. She doesn’t seem to be the
kind of person who invests so much in a project and then steps away. She has a
goal in all of this.
The realization
should be sobering, not coming with this foolish excitement.
Maybe I’ll get
my answers tonight. In the
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