“I’m doing fine,” I said hesitantly.
The Speech therapist was used to coaxing information
from hesitant people. “I hear you’ve been dating. Would you mind sharing with
the group? What kinds of challenges are you facing?”
I took a deep breath. Everyone was looking at me.
Some were looking for hope, some for a juicy story, and some were just downright
jealous. “Uh…I don’t know what to say.” My mind faltered as I was put on the
spot. I couldn’t think of a response fast enough.
“Can you share how you met?” Melissa was there to
coach me through.
I swallowed. I couldn’t really tell them that I had
helped him hide from the vampires that were chasing him, thus sparking his
curiosity. “We met on the subway. I was on my way to work.”
The room around me was full of smiles. Even the
ones who were jealous were still supportive. We all shared the bond of deep
pain and personal change. It isn’t something that just anyone can easily
understand. I wanted to give them hope, tell them that if someone like me
could find love, then they definitely could too. I didn’t know how to give
them hope when I was sitting there feeling so false. Anything I could possibly
tell them would be a lie, a half-truth at best. “He said I was interesting
because I had been through so much and he wanted to eat lunch together.”
I could hear little murmurs of approval and someone
said, “Aww….” I thought I might be ill.
Melissa patted me on the knee. “I think it’s
important to remember that how you see yourself isn’t always how others see
you,” she said honestly. “What you’ve been through doesn’t have to be a
shameful thing. It has been transformational for all of you, and that kind of
strength makes you interesting. You are constantly comparing yourselves to who
you used to be- but new people only know you as you are now.” She nodded at me
in encouragement, but I was feeling conflicted.
“I’m tired,” I admitted, erasing her smile. “He
isn’t like me. It’s so hard to keep up with him.” I looked down at my hands
then back up at the group. “I think my biggest challenge is when I see him
beside other people- people that are whole. Then I wonder if he should be with
someone like them instead.” Melissa was listening, but she didn’t comment,
letting me get it out. “What if I’m taking away his chance to be happy?
I glanced away from the group, catching a movement
out of the corner of my eye. Peter stood in the hallway, just outside the
door. Melissa caught my glance and started wrapping things up, but I wasn’t listening.
Peter hadn’t come in yet, honoring the boundaries of the group, but I knew he
could hear us just fine. His gaze caught mine and he shook his head and
mouthed something. I thought it might have been no one else .
I hadn’t meant to bear my soul to him, and I felt
exposed with all the people around me. I breathed a sigh of relief when we
were officially released and people began to congregate around the snacks and
refreshments.
Peter and a few other spouses and significant others
came in and joined the group for refreshments. He was genuine and relaxed, and
everyone adored him, but I could feel the subtle space between him and the
others, and that space included me when I was by his side. I felt like I was
being pulled in two directions- us or them. I could feel my attachment to
Peter pulling me away from my place. I felt like I was being sucked into a
vortex, but was powerless to stop it.
Chapter 6
I was surprised, to say the least, when
Peter pulled into the parking garage of a large teaching hospital. He hadn’t
told me where we were going on our date, just that I should dress comfortably.
He smiled at my weary look. I hate hospitals. Hate them with a passion. Sure,
a hospital had kept me alive when I was injured, but that just meant that I had
a thorough
The Speech therapist was used to coaxing information
from hesitant people. “I hear you’ve been dating. Would you mind sharing with
the group? What kinds of challenges are you facing?”
I took a deep breath. Everyone was looking at me.
Some were looking for hope, some for a juicy story, and some were just downright
jealous. “Uh…I don’t know what to say.” My mind faltered as I was put on the
spot. I couldn’t think of a response fast enough.
“Can you share how you met?” Melissa was there to
coach me through.
I swallowed. I couldn’t really tell them that I had
helped him hide from the vampires that were chasing him, thus sparking his
curiosity. “We met on the subway. I was on my way to work.”
The room around me was full of smiles. Even the
ones who were jealous were still supportive. We all shared the bond of deep
pain and personal change. It isn’t something that just anyone can easily
understand. I wanted to give them hope, tell them that if someone like me
could find love, then they definitely could too. I didn’t know how to give
them hope when I was sitting there feeling so false. Anything I could possibly
tell them would be a lie, a half-truth at best. “He said I was interesting
because I had been through so much and he wanted to eat lunch together.”
I could hear little murmurs of approval and someone
said, “Aww….” I thought I might be ill.
Melissa patted me on the knee. “I think it’s
important to remember that how you see yourself isn’t always how others see
you,” she said honestly. “What you’ve been through doesn’t have to be a
shameful thing. It has been transformational for all of you, and that kind of
strength makes you interesting. You are constantly comparing yourselves to who
you used to be- but new people only know you as you are now.” She nodded at me
in encouragement, but I was feeling conflicted.
“I’m tired,” I admitted, erasing her smile. “He
isn’t like me. It’s so hard to keep up with him.” I looked down at my hands
then back up at the group. “I think my biggest challenge is when I see him
beside other people- people that are whole. Then I wonder if he should be with
someone like them instead.” Melissa was listening, but she didn’t comment,
letting me get it out. “What if I’m taking away his chance to be happy?
I glanced away from the group, catching a movement
out of the corner of my eye. Peter stood in the hallway, just outside the
door. Melissa caught my glance and started wrapping things up, but I wasn’t listening.
Peter hadn’t come in yet, honoring the boundaries of the group, but I knew he
could hear us just fine. His gaze caught mine and he shook his head and
mouthed something. I thought it might have been no one else .
I hadn’t meant to bear my soul to him, and I felt
exposed with all the people around me. I breathed a sigh of relief when we
were officially released and people began to congregate around the snacks and
refreshments.
Peter and a few other spouses and significant others
came in and joined the group for refreshments. He was genuine and relaxed, and
everyone adored him, but I could feel the subtle space between him and the
others, and that space included me when I was by his side. I felt like I was
being pulled in two directions- us or them. I could feel my attachment to
Peter pulling me away from my place. I felt like I was being sucked into a
vortex, but was powerless to stop it.
Chapter 6
I was surprised, to say the least, when
Peter pulled into the parking garage of a large teaching hospital. He hadn’t
told me where we were going on our date, just that I should dress comfortably.
He smiled at my weary look. I hate hospitals. Hate them with a passion. Sure,
a hospital had kept me alive when I was injured, but that just meant that I had
a thorough
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