pulled me to my feet.
We stood, clasped together in quicksilver starlight. At last I was warm.
Then I felt hot tears on my face. “Clarry, my heart will break,” he said.
My heart was already broken. I knew who had to be strong. “Go,” I said. “At least save Hethering. The rest will follow.”
We walked back home across the parkland we loved. He kissed my lips, he kissed my hands, and then he disappeared into the night. He disappeared from my life.
On Twelfth Night, I helped dismantle the Christmas tree. I held the precious glass tower in shaking hands, my eyes blind with tears. It slipped from my fingers and shattered at my feet on the cold stone floor. I sliced my thumb grasping at its shards. I bear the scar to this day.
Brenthaven became my refuge for the next two years. I chose to stay there for holidays, and Father permitted it. I could not stop myself from embroidering my garden. Now there was a flower for every day I missed my Jemmy, for every day I mourned our love.
I didn’t see him again until I graduated and returned home for the celebration of his engagement to Caroline Fforde.
Chapter Eleven
Hethering was abuzz with preparations for the festivities. I stayed in my room, embroidering an overskirt for my white silk gown. I didn’t want to look like a bride. Hundreds of blue and silver dragonflies gave the dress a changeable hue that would shimmer in candlelight.
The day I finished, I went for a walk in the rose garden and there they were. Jeremy, even taller, stood protecting Caroline from the sun. Was he telling her about the flowers? I turned to go but Caroline hailed me. “Why, Clarry, how lovely to see you again.”
I came forward, nodded to Jeremy, allowing the sun to blind me, and gave her my hand.
“Jeremy has been showing me the property. It’s so vast.”
“Yes, vast,” I repeated. I saw my future. I would be a guest at Hethering, Caroline its mistress.
“Jerry has shown me each of the four follies,” she went on. “They are exquisite, if neglected.”
‘Neglected’. ‘Jerry’. Her words cut me. Wait, did she say the four follies? I looked up at him startled, but he wouldn’t meet my eye. Why did he crush my heart with one hand then offer a sliver of hope with the other?
“I doubt we’ll repair them,” Jeremy said. “The time comes to put away childish things.”
“Excuse me, the sun is warm…” I turned and tried hard not to run back to Hethering. I was one of the childish things he would put away. I’d imagined the hope. He wanted the fifth folly to himself. Let him have it and let him remember me in it.
“Jeremy, you hurt her feelings.” Now she must defend me to him?
Rage threatened to choke me. In my sitting room I found a tiny pair of very sharp scissors. I dug row after row of complicated blossoms from my embroidered garden until at last the tears came.
The next day, Caroline came to call. I sat at the edge of my chair. I never poured the tea. She was nervous and said little. She twisted the pearl button on the wrist of her glove.
“Jerry confided in me,” she said. “I know of your disappointment. I thought, that is, we thought it would be easier if he married someone you knew, someone you liked.”
“Please leave me alone,” I said. Our friendship would not survive her stealing my love, my life, then patronizing me with false kindness. I would not watch them build a life together.
I began to think of a life beyond Hethering. I’d planned to teach drawing at the village school, but decided instead to accept Evadne Ledbetter’s invitation to spend the summer in Italy with Marcie and Darsie. The Ledbetters had taken a villa in the hill country near Florence.
I threw my ragged embroidery aside and wrote a letter of acceptance whose sentences would sustain me through the difficult week ahead. If Father refused me funds to escape my heartache, I would ask to be governess instead of guest.
*****
The next morning, I left
We stood, clasped together in quicksilver starlight. At last I was warm.
Then I felt hot tears on my face. “Clarry, my heart will break,” he said.
My heart was already broken. I knew who had to be strong. “Go,” I said. “At least save Hethering. The rest will follow.”
We walked back home across the parkland we loved. He kissed my lips, he kissed my hands, and then he disappeared into the night. He disappeared from my life.
On Twelfth Night, I helped dismantle the Christmas tree. I held the precious glass tower in shaking hands, my eyes blind with tears. It slipped from my fingers and shattered at my feet on the cold stone floor. I sliced my thumb grasping at its shards. I bear the scar to this day.
Brenthaven became my refuge for the next two years. I chose to stay there for holidays, and Father permitted it. I could not stop myself from embroidering my garden. Now there was a flower for every day I missed my Jemmy, for every day I mourned our love.
I didn’t see him again until I graduated and returned home for the celebration of his engagement to Caroline Fforde.
Chapter Eleven
Hethering was abuzz with preparations for the festivities. I stayed in my room, embroidering an overskirt for my white silk gown. I didn’t want to look like a bride. Hundreds of blue and silver dragonflies gave the dress a changeable hue that would shimmer in candlelight.
The day I finished, I went for a walk in the rose garden and there they were. Jeremy, even taller, stood protecting Caroline from the sun. Was he telling her about the flowers? I turned to go but Caroline hailed me. “Why, Clarry, how lovely to see you again.”
I came forward, nodded to Jeremy, allowing the sun to blind me, and gave her my hand.
“Jeremy has been showing me the property. It’s so vast.”
“Yes, vast,” I repeated. I saw my future. I would be a guest at Hethering, Caroline its mistress.
“Jerry has shown me each of the four follies,” she went on. “They are exquisite, if neglected.”
‘Neglected’. ‘Jerry’. Her words cut me. Wait, did she say the four follies? I looked up at him startled, but he wouldn’t meet my eye. Why did he crush my heart with one hand then offer a sliver of hope with the other?
“I doubt we’ll repair them,” Jeremy said. “The time comes to put away childish things.”
“Excuse me, the sun is warm…” I turned and tried hard not to run back to Hethering. I was one of the childish things he would put away. I’d imagined the hope. He wanted the fifth folly to himself. Let him have it and let him remember me in it.
“Jeremy, you hurt her feelings.” Now she must defend me to him?
Rage threatened to choke me. In my sitting room I found a tiny pair of very sharp scissors. I dug row after row of complicated blossoms from my embroidered garden until at last the tears came.
The next day, Caroline came to call. I sat at the edge of my chair. I never poured the tea. She was nervous and said little. She twisted the pearl button on the wrist of her glove.
“Jerry confided in me,” she said. “I know of your disappointment. I thought, that is, we thought it would be easier if he married someone you knew, someone you liked.”
“Please leave me alone,” I said. Our friendship would not survive her stealing my love, my life, then patronizing me with false kindness. I would not watch them build a life together.
I began to think of a life beyond Hethering. I’d planned to teach drawing at the village school, but decided instead to accept Evadne Ledbetter’s invitation to spend the summer in Italy with Marcie and Darsie. The Ledbetters had taken a villa in the hill country near Florence.
I threw my ragged embroidery aside and wrote a letter of acceptance whose sentences would sustain me through the difficult week ahead. If Father refused me funds to escape my heartache, I would ask to be governess instead of guest.
*****
The next morning, I left
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