uncoordinated ones. “Or you can have an abortion.”
Amber flinches away at that one and Mom grabs on tight to keep her from fleeing. She doesn’t want to talk about any of this. She wants Michael’s arms around her holding her tight and all this to just be a dream. One long, terrible nightmare.
“If you have the baby you can either keep it or we can find an agency and find a family who desperately wants one and will love it like their own.”
Amber’s eyes flood with tears again and there are little shudders still running through her body.
“Either way, baby, we’ll support you through this. Okay? Dad and I both, it’s going to be okay.”
Amber succumbs to sobs again and Mom pulls her down into her lap, her cool hands pressed against Amber’s face and wiping the tears as they fall.
* * * *
When Amber wakes up she’s in her own bed. Dad must’ve carried her there. She feels sore and fevered and she misses Michael so fiercely even though she’s angry at him the most.
She rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling. She feels empty inside, hollow, but she knows it’s not true. There’s life in her stomach and she’s not ready for it.
Amber tries thinking without all the terror and anguish, tries to push that away and just think it out like she would a school problem. Or a debate round. Pros: Mom and Dad said they’d support her either way. Cons: Mom and Dad can’t support themselves most days. Jeremy got out of the house as fast as he could and Amber is right on his heels except for the fact that now she’s got a child of her own baking in her belly and how the hell is she supposed to do school like that?
She can’t. She’ll have to un-enroll, or apply to somewhere local and stay at home and then what? She’ll be raising a kid in the same household that nearly broke her. With the silence, with the screaming, with the promises that always get broken. With their constant fights that grind mind-numbingly from one day into the next.
And if she moves out? Then what? What kind of job can she have as a high-school graduate? She’s not going to ask Michael for money, even though she’s sure he’d give it to her, even after that terrible question she can’t believe he doesn’t love her and won’t try his best.
But she won’t because all he has is what the Navy gives him and that’s not terribly a lot, he’d planned on using it to pay for school himself, and…she doesn’t want to be the girl that decides on keeping a baby but then turns around and makes it the father’s problem. She’s seen that girl, that’s not her.
She could use the money her parents saved for college ‘cause if she moves out she’s not going to college anytime soon. That’s a few thousand, it’d take her through the first couple of years at least.
But then…
Amber huffs a sigh and rubs her head, it’s pounding and sore as the rest of her.
Then, there’s the real problem. She’s not ready to be anyone’s mother. She doesn’t want to be, she can’t be. She wouldn’t be good at it even if she tried, not now. Not with her life bright and mapped out in front of her and a baby solidly not any kind of part of that plan. Not with her own childhood shredded behind her and the memories of it still ringing in her ears. Not with Michael and those soft, hesitant words still between them “is it mine?” like she could love anyone else, like she could offer herself up to anyone else.
She’s not ready to be a mom and he’s not ready to be a dad, and she just can’t .
Amber rolls into her pillow and sobs again.
* * * *
The summer is ending and fall is hovering on the horizon of every day. She’s supposed to be going to college soon. Really soon. But she doesn’t know if she will.
Fall is her favorite season. The air is crisp and cool around her and the pretty leaves dance as they float to the ground. Amber ties her hair back and throws her head back and takes a deep breath.
If Michael were here he'd say
Amber flinches away at that one and Mom grabs on tight to keep her from fleeing. She doesn’t want to talk about any of this. She wants Michael’s arms around her holding her tight and all this to just be a dream. One long, terrible nightmare.
“If you have the baby you can either keep it or we can find an agency and find a family who desperately wants one and will love it like their own.”
Amber’s eyes flood with tears again and there are little shudders still running through her body.
“Either way, baby, we’ll support you through this. Okay? Dad and I both, it’s going to be okay.”
Amber succumbs to sobs again and Mom pulls her down into her lap, her cool hands pressed against Amber’s face and wiping the tears as they fall.
* * * *
When Amber wakes up she’s in her own bed. Dad must’ve carried her there. She feels sore and fevered and she misses Michael so fiercely even though she’s angry at him the most.
She rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling. She feels empty inside, hollow, but she knows it’s not true. There’s life in her stomach and she’s not ready for it.
Amber tries thinking without all the terror and anguish, tries to push that away and just think it out like she would a school problem. Or a debate round. Pros: Mom and Dad said they’d support her either way. Cons: Mom and Dad can’t support themselves most days. Jeremy got out of the house as fast as he could and Amber is right on his heels except for the fact that now she’s got a child of her own baking in her belly and how the hell is she supposed to do school like that?
She can’t. She’ll have to un-enroll, or apply to somewhere local and stay at home and then what? She’ll be raising a kid in the same household that nearly broke her. With the silence, with the screaming, with the promises that always get broken. With their constant fights that grind mind-numbingly from one day into the next.
And if she moves out? Then what? What kind of job can she have as a high-school graduate? She’s not going to ask Michael for money, even though she’s sure he’d give it to her, even after that terrible question she can’t believe he doesn’t love her and won’t try his best.
But she won’t because all he has is what the Navy gives him and that’s not terribly a lot, he’d planned on using it to pay for school himself, and…she doesn’t want to be the girl that decides on keeping a baby but then turns around and makes it the father’s problem. She’s seen that girl, that’s not her.
She could use the money her parents saved for college ‘cause if she moves out she’s not going to college anytime soon. That’s a few thousand, it’d take her through the first couple of years at least.
But then…
Amber huffs a sigh and rubs her head, it’s pounding and sore as the rest of her.
Then, there’s the real problem. She’s not ready to be anyone’s mother. She doesn’t want to be, she can’t be. She wouldn’t be good at it even if she tried, not now. Not with her life bright and mapped out in front of her and a baby solidly not any kind of part of that plan. Not with her own childhood shredded behind her and the memories of it still ringing in her ears. Not with Michael and those soft, hesitant words still between them “is it mine?” like she could love anyone else, like she could offer herself up to anyone else.
She’s not ready to be a mom and he’s not ready to be a dad, and she just can’t .
Amber rolls into her pillow and sobs again.
* * * *
The summer is ending and fall is hovering on the horizon of every day. She’s supposed to be going to college soon. Really soon. But she doesn’t know if she will.
Fall is her favorite season. The air is crisp and cool around her and the pretty leaves dance as they float to the ground. Amber ties her hair back and throws her head back and takes a deep breath.
If Michael were here he'd say
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