is much the same, just shorter, falling a few inches below my shoulders. Skin is creamy, blue eyes the colour of denim, mouth is wide and teeth fairly straight thanks to the help of a cruel orthodontist, and I still have a dimple in my right cheek. I used to have two, but lost one. My father had said I was being greedy and that I had to share my dimples with other pretty girls.
I think he did see me, and he ignored me.
My telephone rings. ‘Sorry, Annie, I’d better … it’s my sister.’
Pippa asks if I can babysit tonight. Todd is flying in from New York early and wants to take her out to dinner.
When I hang up Annie asks me if I am OK. ‘I mean, stupid question, but … are you worried about telling Joe about Olly?’
Yes. He blanked me. ‘I’ve stuffed everything up,’ I say, feeling my bottom lip wobble. I think about Joe, ourfriendship falling apart, the way I’d reacted towards him. I think of Bristol, how we were all so young, with bright futures ahead of us. I remember that late-night conversation after Kitty’s New Year’s Eve party, what we’d all be doing in ten years’ time … ‘Sometimes I’m so angry with him, Annie. I begged him to sell that bike. Why didn’t I stop him?’
‘Now listen here, it’s not your fault.’
I press my head into my hands. ‘I’m thirty-one and what do I have to show for it? I have nothing. Not a bean! I don’t know why I’m here, what I’m doing, I’m …’ I stop, unsure whether to continue, but then something inside me snaps. ‘I feel useless not working and I’m terrified of having this baby by myself and I’m angry, furious with him for putting me in this position – Why did he gamble with his life? Why was he so distracted that day? – and I miss him, oh God I miss him, it’s so …’
‘Fucking unfair?’
‘Fucking unfair,’ I say, relief flooding my voice.
‘You probably think I have the perfect life too,’ Annie says, after we have discussed how some people seem to breeze through with no hiccups. ‘Like my sister,’ I’d claimed, trying not to sound too jealous, but the truthis, I am, just a little. I think I always have been, but have bottled it up since childhood.
Annie continues. ‘You must think I’m one of life’s natural breezers. So beautiful and talented …’
‘Well, you are.’ I remind her how lucky she was to be Maid Marian in our school play because she was the one that got to kiss Nick Parker, who played Robin Hood.
‘Well, think again. I’ll talk you through my life. Are you ready?’ Annie leans both elbows against the table as if she means business. ‘For starters, I’m married to a dentist …’
I don’t know why, but I find this funny. ‘Ouch!’
‘Exactly. In bed he’s asking me if I flossed after brushing my teeth – that’s about as exciting as it gets between the sheets. And after Richie’s played football on a Monday night you can probably smell his stinky socks from Australia.’
I smile, somehow not believing Annie is unhappy with Richie, but wanting her to continue nonetheless.
‘My beautiful shop is about to go down the credit-crunch plughole, I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my kids, for being a working mum, so I probably do a bad job at both! Half the time I want to run off, screaming, into the sunset and never come back.’
‘Not bad, Annie, but you still can’t quite compete with me.’
‘Rarely do I have a minute to myself to even brush my hair, and speaking of hair, mine must be the most difficult in the whole bloody world,’ she says, gesturing to her frizzy blonde curls, which do have a life of their own.
Both of us laugh. ‘You still can’t compete,’ I tell her, my eyes watering.
‘I had a pretty fine stab at it though, didn’t I?’ She offers me a handkerchief. ‘Look, it’s going to be all right, Becca,’ I hear her saying. ‘You will get through this, you will … it is awful, but you do have something. You have a child. You have
I think he did see me, and he ignored me.
My telephone rings. ‘Sorry, Annie, I’d better … it’s my sister.’
Pippa asks if I can babysit tonight. Todd is flying in from New York early and wants to take her out to dinner.
When I hang up Annie asks me if I am OK. ‘I mean, stupid question, but … are you worried about telling Joe about Olly?’
Yes. He blanked me. ‘I’ve stuffed everything up,’ I say, feeling my bottom lip wobble. I think about Joe, ourfriendship falling apart, the way I’d reacted towards him. I think of Bristol, how we were all so young, with bright futures ahead of us. I remember that late-night conversation after Kitty’s New Year’s Eve party, what we’d all be doing in ten years’ time … ‘Sometimes I’m so angry with him, Annie. I begged him to sell that bike. Why didn’t I stop him?’
‘Now listen here, it’s not your fault.’
I press my head into my hands. ‘I’m thirty-one and what do I have to show for it? I have nothing. Not a bean! I don’t know why I’m here, what I’m doing, I’m …’ I stop, unsure whether to continue, but then something inside me snaps. ‘I feel useless not working and I’m terrified of having this baby by myself and I’m angry, furious with him for putting me in this position – Why did he gamble with his life? Why was he so distracted that day? – and I miss him, oh God I miss him, it’s so …’
‘Fucking unfair?’
‘Fucking unfair,’ I say, relief flooding my voice.
‘You probably think I have the perfect life too,’ Annie says, after we have discussed how some people seem to breeze through with no hiccups. ‘Like my sister,’ I’d claimed, trying not to sound too jealous, but the truthis, I am, just a little. I think I always have been, but have bottled it up since childhood.
Annie continues. ‘You must think I’m one of life’s natural breezers. So beautiful and talented …’
‘Well, you are.’ I remind her how lucky she was to be Maid Marian in our school play because she was the one that got to kiss Nick Parker, who played Robin Hood.
‘Well, think again. I’ll talk you through my life. Are you ready?’ Annie leans both elbows against the table as if she means business. ‘For starters, I’m married to a dentist …’
I don’t know why, but I find this funny. ‘Ouch!’
‘Exactly. In bed he’s asking me if I flossed after brushing my teeth – that’s about as exciting as it gets between the sheets. And after Richie’s played football on a Monday night you can probably smell his stinky socks from Australia.’
I smile, somehow not believing Annie is unhappy with Richie, but wanting her to continue nonetheless.
‘My beautiful shop is about to go down the credit-crunch plughole, I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my kids, for being a working mum, so I probably do a bad job at both! Half the time I want to run off, screaming, into the sunset and never come back.’
‘Not bad, Annie, but you still can’t quite compete with me.’
‘Rarely do I have a minute to myself to even brush my hair, and speaking of hair, mine must be the most difficult in the whole bloody world,’ she says, gesturing to her frizzy blonde curls, which do have a life of their own.
Both of us laugh. ‘You still can’t compete,’ I tell her, my eyes watering.
‘I had a pretty fine stab at it though, didn’t I?’ She offers me a handkerchief. ‘Look, it’s going to be all right, Becca,’ I hear her saying. ‘You will get through this, you will … it is awful, but you do have something. You have a child. You have
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