because he wanted nothing to do with her or the child she was carrying. She tried to get him to change his mind, but then she found out he was seeing someone else – had been all along – and she knew it was hopeless. And when she told her parents they were so disappointed, they didn’t have the money or the means to bring up another child. The shame would have killed them, too. She had nowhere to turn, so she did the best she could. She found a box and she decorated it in butterflies, the most beautiful creatures in nature, and she made it comfortable for me to sleep in. And she cried and cried when she had to hand me over, but she made sure I got the box because it was something no one else had. It was all she could afford to give me, but it was something completely unique and completely invaluable. Like the jewellery I made for people – it may have been inspired by other pieces but everything I made for others was made with that person in mind. That person was one of a kind, so was the jewellery I made for them.
No one else had a butterfly box like mine. I used it to store all my precious photographs, and even though it had been bashed about over time because of the many moves I’d been through, the times I hadn’t been as careful as I should have been with it, I still had that box and I still treasured it.
I couldn’t have a baby if I couldn’t trust its father. I turned to Seth, carefully considered him. I hadn’t grown used to his features over the years, I was always surprised by how attractive he was to me every time I looked at him. I had spent years looking at him, but until that New Year’s Eve when we’d first had sex, I hadn’t seen him. When I finally ‘saw’ him that night, I could never be used to those features again. Each time seeing him gave me a tiny thrill in the bottom of my heart.
‘Seth …’ I began. I had planned to wait, leave it for a bit until I did this, but now I’d been reckless and stupid, now I’d given in to the flashing neon sign in my brain about unprotected sex with a virtual stranger, I had to do this now. I had to ask him. The very fact I had to ask set us back twenty-odd years and made him a virtual stranger again. And the fact that I knew what he was going to say, how he was going to answer, meant not only was he going to stay a stranger, but also that I would have to go through with my plan. I wanted to be wrong. Desperately. But I knew what the answer was going to be.
‘Seth, do you have something you need to tell me?’
His sudden flash of panic that I might know was almost physical as it scattered through him like the fallen beads from a snapped necklace. He caught himself, though, reasoned that I couldn’t possibly know, and gathered up those panic-broken beads, strung them back together. Calm and composed, he replied, ‘No, not that I know of.’
I shut my eyes.
Wrong answer
. The reply I was expecting, but had been hoping I wouldn’t get. I had prayed, actually prayed, to a God I only partially believed in, that Seth wouldn’t do this to me or to us. ‘Seth,
please
. I need you to be completely honest with me, no matter what it is, just tell me.
Please
, forget about what’s happened with my dad, and the fact we haven’t seen each other properly in weeks, please, you can tell me anything.
Anything
.’
‘No, Smitty, there’s nothing.’
Disappointment drifted through me like a cold, creeping gust of wind. He wasn’t the person I thought he was. It’s the big moments that test you, push you, encourage you to be better in every way that you can. It’s the small, intimate, seemingly insignificant moments where the choice you make alters who you are at a fundamental level.
‘I can’t be with you any more, Seth,’ I told him. I could ignore it, pretend, bury it deep so I could forget. Or I could do what needed to be done so I could sleep at night. ‘We have to split up.’
Part 2
FALL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN …
I can turn your unworn
No one else had a butterfly box like mine. I used it to store all my precious photographs, and even though it had been bashed about over time because of the many moves I’d been through, the times I hadn’t been as careful as I should have been with it, I still had that box and I still treasured it.
I couldn’t have a baby if I couldn’t trust its father. I turned to Seth, carefully considered him. I hadn’t grown used to his features over the years, I was always surprised by how attractive he was to me every time I looked at him. I had spent years looking at him, but until that New Year’s Eve when we’d first had sex, I hadn’t seen him. When I finally ‘saw’ him that night, I could never be used to those features again. Each time seeing him gave me a tiny thrill in the bottom of my heart.
‘Seth …’ I began. I had planned to wait, leave it for a bit until I did this, but now I’d been reckless and stupid, now I’d given in to the flashing neon sign in my brain about unprotected sex with a virtual stranger, I had to do this now. I had to ask him. The very fact I had to ask set us back twenty-odd years and made him a virtual stranger again. And the fact that I knew what he was going to say, how he was going to answer, meant not only was he going to stay a stranger, but also that I would have to go through with my plan. I wanted to be wrong. Desperately. But I knew what the answer was going to be.
‘Seth, do you have something you need to tell me?’
His sudden flash of panic that I might know was almost physical as it scattered through him like the fallen beads from a snapped necklace. He caught himself, though, reasoned that I couldn’t possibly know, and gathered up those panic-broken beads, strung them back together. Calm and composed, he replied, ‘No, not that I know of.’
I shut my eyes.
Wrong answer
. The reply I was expecting, but had been hoping I wouldn’t get. I had prayed, actually prayed, to a God I only partially believed in, that Seth wouldn’t do this to me or to us. ‘Seth,
please
. I need you to be completely honest with me, no matter what it is, just tell me.
Please
, forget about what’s happened with my dad, and the fact we haven’t seen each other properly in weeks, please, you can tell me anything.
Anything
.’
‘No, Smitty, there’s nothing.’
Disappointment drifted through me like a cold, creeping gust of wind. He wasn’t the person I thought he was. It’s the big moments that test you, push you, encourage you to be better in every way that you can. It’s the small, intimate, seemingly insignificant moments where the choice you make alters who you are at a fundamental level.
‘I can’t be with you any more, Seth,’ I told him. I could ignore it, pretend, bury it deep so I could forget. Or I could do what needed to be done so I could sleep at night. ‘We have to split up.’
Part 2
FALL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN …
I can turn your unworn
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