said.
There was silence on his end. He had been my champion against her for the entire eight years of our relationship.
"Oh, Helen, I'm so sorry. When?"
I found I couldn't speak. I made a gulping sound instead.
"I know how much she meant to you. Where are you?"
[47]
Alice Sebold
"We're in the kitchen."
"Who is?"
"Mother and me."
"Oh, Jesus! You need to call someone, Helen. What happened?
You need to hang up the phone and dial nine one one.
Are you sure she's dead?"
"Very," I said.
"Then call nine one one and tell them that."
I wanted to get off the phone and enter the nowhere state I'd just been in, where no one knew anything and my mother and I were alone together. There was no easy way to say what came next.
"I killed her, Jake."
The silence was long enough that I had to repeat it.
"I killed my mother."
"Describe to me what you mean," he said. "Go slowly, and tell me everything."
I told Jake about Mrs. Castle's calling, about the Pigeon Forge bowl, about my mother's accident. When I said "she had an accident,"
he stopped me, his voice hopeful, and asked, "What kind of accident, Helen?"
"She lost control of her bowels."
"Oh, God. Before or afterward?" he said.
"And then she called Mrs. Castle a bitch and raved about how people were stealing things from her."
"Are they, Helen?" he asked, his voice leading discreetly into an adjoining room where sanity might dwell.
"No," I said. "She's lying here right in front of me on the floor.
I broke her nose."
"You hit her?" I could tell I was shocking him. It made me feel good.
"No, I pressed too hard."
"Helen, are you crazy? Do you hear what you're saying to me?"
[48]
The Almost Moon
"She was dying anyway. She's been sitting up, dying, for the past year. Is it better that she should go to a hospice, babbling, and die in a pool of her own waste? At least I care. At least I'm bathing her,"
"You're what?"
"I'm in the kitchen, bathing her."
"Just a minute, Helen. Don't go anywhere."
I could hear the sound of Jake's dogs. Emily had told me that every time she and the children visited, Jeanine spent the next week barking like a dog.
"Helen, listen to me."
"Yes."
"I want you to cover your mother's body and stay in the house until I can get there, okay? I'll get someone to look after the dogs and call you from the airport."
"Mrs. Castle will come in the morning."
"Does she have a key?"
"I don't think so," I said. "There was an incident a few months ago when someone broke in who'd been doing chores here. We got the locks changed, and I think Mrs. Castle never got a new key."
"Helen?"
"Yes."
"You have to listen to me now."
"Okay," I said.
"You can't tell anyone else about this, and you can't go anywhere.
You have to stay in the house with your mother until I get there."
"I'm not deaf, Jake."
"You just killed your mother, Helen."
His dogs were whimpering in the background.
"What time is it where you are?" I asked.
"Early enough to get a flight out tonight."
14 9 1
Alice Sebold
"Where?"
"Santa Barbara. I'm doing a commission piece here."
"For who?"
"It's on private property. I haven't met the people. Helen?"
"Yes."
"What's the temperature there?"
"I don't know. I have all the windows closed."
"Is the corpse still... pliable?"
"What?"
"I'm sorry. I mean has your mother stiffened up yet? How long ago did you... Excuse me." For a moment I thought Jake had hung up the phone, but the jangling noise of the dogs' collars reassured me.
"When did she die?"
"Just before dark."
"And what time is it there?"
I looked up at the clock. "Six forty-five."
"Helen, I have another call. I have to take this. I'll call you back."
I heard the line go dead. I wanted to laugh.
"The art hustle never stops," I said, turning to my mother. For the briefest moment, I expected a response.
I waited by the phone while I stared at her. My mother's face must have been wet under the towel, and this disturbed me. I dropped to my knees and crawled over to her.
There was silence on his end. He had been my champion against her for the entire eight years of our relationship.
"Oh, Helen, I'm so sorry. When?"
I found I couldn't speak. I made a gulping sound instead.
"I know how much she meant to you. Where are you?"
[47]
Alice Sebold
"We're in the kitchen."
"Who is?"
"Mother and me."
"Oh, Jesus! You need to call someone, Helen. What happened?
You need to hang up the phone and dial nine one one.
Are you sure she's dead?"
"Very," I said.
"Then call nine one one and tell them that."
I wanted to get off the phone and enter the nowhere state I'd just been in, where no one knew anything and my mother and I were alone together. There was no easy way to say what came next.
"I killed her, Jake."
The silence was long enough that I had to repeat it.
"I killed my mother."
"Describe to me what you mean," he said. "Go slowly, and tell me everything."
I told Jake about Mrs. Castle's calling, about the Pigeon Forge bowl, about my mother's accident. When I said "she had an accident,"
he stopped me, his voice hopeful, and asked, "What kind of accident, Helen?"
"She lost control of her bowels."
"Oh, God. Before or afterward?" he said.
"And then she called Mrs. Castle a bitch and raved about how people were stealing things from her."
"Are they, Helen?" he asked, his voice leading discreetly into an adjoining room where sanity might dwell.
"No," I said. "She's lying here right in front of me on the floor.
I broke her nose."
"You hit her?" I could tell I was shocking him. It made me feel good.
"No, I pressed too hard."
"Helen, are you crazy? Do you hear what you're saying to me?"
[48]
The Almost Moon
"She was dying anyway. She's been sitting up, dying, for the past year. Is it better that she should go to a hospice, babbling, and die in a pool of her own waste? At least I care. At least I'm bathing her,"
"You're what?"
"I'm in the kitchen, bathing her."
"Just a minute, Helen. Don't go anywhere."
I could hear the sound of Jake's dogs. Emily had told me that every time she and the children visited, Jeanine spent the next week barking like a dog.
"Helen, listen to me."
"Yes."
"I want you to cover your mother's body and stay in the house until I can get there, okay? I'll get someone to look after the dogs and call you from the airport."
"Mrs. Castle will come in the morning."
"Does she have a key?"
"I don't think so," I said. "There was an incident a few months ago when someone broke in who'd been doing chores here. We got the locks changed, and I think Mrs. Castle never got a new key."
"Helen?"
"Yes."
"You have to listen to me now."
"Okay," I said.
"You can't tell anyone else about this, and you can't go anywhere.
You have to stay in the house with your mother until I get there."
"I'm not deaf, Jake."
"You just killed your mother, Helen."
His dogs were whimpering in the background.
"What time is it where you are?" I asked.
"Early enough to get a flight out tonight."
14 9 1
Alice Sebold
"Where?"
"Santa Barbara. I'm doing a commission piece here."
"For who?"
"It's on private property. I haven't met the people. Helen?"
"Yes."
"What's the temperature there?"
"I don't know. I have all the windows closed."
"Is the corpse still... pliable?"
"What?"
"I'm sorry. I mean has your mother stiffened up yet? How long ago did you... Excuse me." For a moment I thought Jake had hung up the phone, but the jangling noise of the dogs' collars reassured me.
"When did she die?"
"Just before dark."
"And what time is it there?"
I looked up at the clock. "Six forty-five."
"Helen, I have another call. I have to take this. I'll call you back."
I heard the line go dead. I wanted to laugh.
"The art hustle never stops," I said, turning to my mother. For the briefest moment, I expected a response.
I waited by the phone while I stared at her. My mother's face must have been wet under the towel, and this disturbed me. I dropped to my knees and crawled over to her.
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