a foam soccer ball.
Carin rubbed my back again and I
turned around and gave her a hug. Several traders looked at us
awkwardly.
“ Beavers,” I overheard
someone say.
Carin led me into the restroom for
privacy.
“ No one’s going to like me.
I am not good at meeting guys. Who am I going to be with now?” I
said. I had never been good at dating.
Later that night, I called Kim for
solace. “Come on, baby. If you want fucking company, get a damn
cat!” Kim said. I was hoping for more tenderness, but her bluntness
was effective.
“ Listen, love. You’ll meet a
guy. No question. Tomorrow we’ll go out and have fun. You need a
real man. College boyfriends are just temporary and are meant to be
left in college.”
The next day, I got to work nearly
forty-five minutes late. My eyes were swollen from crying into my
pillow and a sleepless night. I had neither showered nor brushed my
hair that morning.
Andrew did not ask me questions about
the market or talk to me at great length that morning. I knew that
someone on the night desk had told him I’d had an emotional
outburst the night before.
I caught glimpses of Andrew looking at
me and I was aware that he let me scroll through my old emails with
Dani.
At one point, I walked into the
women’s room and cried into my palms, trying to remain as quiet in
the stalls as I could.
When I got back to my desk, I saw that
there was an email from Stephen.
“ I hear you need a drink?
All OK? Want a friend to talk to?”
I wrote back. “I do have friends. I am
meeting them later. Yes. Bad day, but life moves on. Going to see
mom this weekend which should be good.”
Stephen wrote back: “If your plans
change, let me know. If not, take me home to meet mom.”
I didn’t respond to Stephen’s email.
The last thing I needed was flirtatious banter.
I left work early that afternoon after
settling some trades and allocating them to different accounts, a
responsibility Andrew had recently given me.
“ Before you leave, just let
me see what you did. We can’t afford to make a mistake at this
point.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by that
statement, but I was too engrossed in my own thoughts to bother
analyzing. Andrew sat over me as I reiterated my account links,
paying particular attention to the fact that the accounts were all
linked to our master account.
“ The best executed price
goes into this account. The largest size into this one, and the
balance goes here.”
I managed to maneuver my way through
an Excel spreadsheet with greater ease.
As I was neatly organizing my desk,
Stephen wrote again.
“ If you need a drink, you
know I am your guy.”
“ Word travels fast,” I said
to Andrew, who looked at me quizzically. “Stephen. He wrote me. I
guess he knows my boyfriend and I broke up.”
Andrew smiled devilishly, clearly
guilty. “I told you nothing’s a secret on the trading
floor.”
Right then, Stephen wrote
again.
“ I told you that he doesn’t
deserve you.”
I wrote, “Thanks. Take care. Am off
for the night.” I pressed Send, and within minutes Stephen called
on the direct line that was specifically allocated to
him.
I looked at Andrew. “If it’s for me, I
don’t have the energy to talk, please.”
I listened to Andrew talk on the phone
as I walked past him, waving goodbye.
“ She just left,” he
said.
I gave Andrew a thumbs-up and headed
out. He winked to indicate his goodbye.
I went to Kim’s office a few blocks
away, and we decided to get a treat at a café across the
street.
“ So what’s the deal with
Eric? Or is it M.D.? What does he go by these days?” I asked. I
needed to talk about something other than myself.
“ I like him. What can I do,
though? I mean, he’s married! We just have fun.”
I wished I had Kim’s ability to just
have fun, without considering the consequences. Her spontaneity was
admirable.
“ I mean, I really like M.D.,
but sometimes he goes home and I’m left alone. A girl needs to be
held
Carin rubbed my back again and I
turned around and gave her a hug. Several traders looked at us
awkwardly.
“ Beavers,” I overheard
someone say.
Carin led me into the restroom for
privacy.
“ No one’s going to like me.
I am not good at meeting guys. Who am I going to be with now?” I
said. I had never been good at dating.
Later that night, I called Kim for
solace. “Come on, baby. If you want fucking company, get a damn
cat!” Kim said. I was hoping for more tenderness, but her bluntness
was effective.
“ Listen, love. You’ll meet a
guy. No question. Tomorrow we’ll go out and have fun. You need a
real man. College boyfriends are just temporary and are meant to be
left in college.”
The next day, I got to work nearly
forty-five minutes late. My eyes were swollen from crying into my
pillow and a sleepless night. I had neither showered nor brushed my
hair that morning.
Andrew did not ask me questions about
the market or talk to me at great length that morning. I knew that
someone on the night desk had told him I’d had an emotional
outburst the night before.
I caught glimpses of Andrew looking at
me and I was aware that he let me scroll through my old emails with
Dani.
At one point, I walked into the
women’s room and cried into my palms, trying to remain as quiet in
the stalls as I could.
When I got back to my desk, I saw that
there was an email from Stephen.
“ I hear you need a drink?
All OK? Want a friend to talk to?”
I wrote back. “I do have friends. I am
meeting them later. Yes. Bad day, but life moves on. Going to see
mom this weekend which should be good.”
Stephen wrote back: “If your plans
change, let me know. If not, take me home to meet mom.”
I didn’t respond to Stephen’s email.
The last thing I needed was flirtatious banter.
I left work early that afternoon after
settling some trades and allocating them to different accounts, a
responsibility Andrew had recently given me.
“ Before you leave, just let
me see what you did. We can’t afford to make a mistake at this
point.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by that
statement, but I was too engrossed in my own thoughts to bother
analyzing. Andrew sat over me as I reiterated my account links,
paying particular attention to the fact that the accounts were all
linked to our master account.
“ The best executed price
goes into this account. The largest size into this one, and the
balance goes here.”
I managed to maneuver my way through
an Excel spreadsheet with greater ease.
As I was neatly organizing my desk,
Stephen wrote again.
“ If you need a drink, you
know I am your guy.”
“ Word travels fast,” I said
to Andrew, who looked at me quizzically. “Stephen. He wrote me. I
guess he knows my boyfriend and I broke up.”
Andrew smiled devilishly, clearly
guilty. “I told you nothing’s a secret on the trading
floor.”
Right then, Stephen wrote
again.
“ I told you that he doesn’t
deserve you.”
I wrote, “Thanks. Take care. Am off
for the night.” I pressed Send, and within minutes Stephen called
on the direct line that was specifically allocated to
him.
I looked at Andrew. “If it’s for me, I
don’t have the energy to talk, please.”
I listened to Andrew talk on the phone
as I walked past him, waving goodbye.
“ She just left,” he
said.
I gave Andrew a thumbs-up and headed
out. He winked to indicate his goodbye.
I went to Kim’s office a few blocks
away, and we decided to get a treat at a café across the
street.
“ So what’s the deal with
Eric? Or is it M.D.? What does he go by these days?” I asked. I
needed to talk about something other than myself.
“ I like him. What can I do,
though? I mean, he’s married! We just have fun.”
I wished I had Kim’s ability to just
have fun, without considering the consequences. Her spontaneity was
admirable.
“ I mean, I really like M.D.,
but sometimes he goes home and I’m left alone. A girl needs to be
held
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