The Booby Trap and Other Bits and Boobs by Dawn O'Porter

internet, but had been unable to provide an answer when she asked him why he wanted it. He was sure that ‘So I can look at porn without having to creep around in disused gardens’ would not be what his mother wanted to hear. So instead, he had made an effort to befriend Matthew Hetherington, in the hope of getting access to the portal of sexual delight that apparently sat innocuously on his dad’s desk in the upstairs office. But after several interminable lunch breaks spent listening to the intricacies of rugby union, a sport that left Ben scratching his head in confusion but seemed to be the central axis of Matthew’s life around which everything else revolved, he had given up on the idea. Nothing was worth another lecture on the correct strategy to deploy when defending a line-out.
    Not even the Orbs of Power.
    â€˜This is bollocks, mate,’ said Ben, throwing aside the scrap of soiled porn. ‘We’re getting nowhere.’
    â€˜What are you on about?’ asked Sean, from within the hedge.
    â€˜This,’ said Ben. ‘The quest. All of it. Nothing’s happening, mate. Just because we decided to be on a quest and you wrote it down in Indiana Jones lettering doesn’t mean anything’s changed.’
    â€˜Stop whining, for Christ’s sake,’ said Sean. ‘You didn’t have a girl threatening to have some prison nutcase cut your balls off unless you apologised to them. Could be worse.’
    â€˜There you go though,’ said Ben. ‘Tom Richards is the same year as us and he looks like he’s been smashed in the face with a hammer. But he’s having it away with Amy Dillon now, and she used to fancy
you
. Kev Simmons told me Olivia Bell let him put his hand up her skirt last week after Drama Club. Kev. Simmons. Yet neither of us can manage to touch a girl’s tits. I mean, seriously, what the hell is wrong with us? Is that so much to ask from the universe?’
    â€˜Never mind the universe. Have you asked any girls?’
    â€˜Asked them to let me touch their tits?’
    â€˜Yeah.’
    â€˜Of course not,’ said Ben. ‘I saw what happened to you with Laura Kelly.’
    â€˜That’s different though,’ said Sean. ‘I never asked her, did I? That’s why she got all uptight about it.’
    Right,
thought Ben.
I’m sure that’s why.
    â€˜So what are you suggesting?’ he asked.
    â€˜Jesus mate, I don’t know,’ said Sean, ceasing his digging and turning to face his friend. ‘Do I have to think of everything? What about that girl in the year above?’
    â€˜What girl in the year above?’
    â€˜You know. Grace something.’
    Ben froze. ‘Grace Matthews?’
    â€˜That’s her. You haven’t done anything about that, have you? So you can’t be that arsed.’
    â€˜About. What?’
    Sean frowned. ‘Did I not tell you she likes you?’
    â€˜Were you supposed to tell me she likes me?’
    â€˜Yeah. Her mate Bonnie whatserface told me to tell you.’
    â€˜So why didn’t you?’
    â€˜Christ, I don’t know. I’ve been a bit busy, mate, with this quest we’re both supposed to be on.’
    â€˜You’re a complete twat. Do you know that?’
    Sean’s frown deepened. ‘What’s the big deal, mate? Did you fancy her or something? I’ve never heard you mention her.’
    Ben considered this. He had never really thought about Grace Matthews in those terms, or any of the Year Eleven girls for that matter. They were invariably seen in the company of boys from the Sixth Form College, boys with cars and motorbikes and unconvincing facial stubble who could successfully get served in pubs.
    â€˜No,’ he said. ‘But that’s not the point. You should have told me, mate. We’re supposed to be in this together.’
    â€˜Jesus, don’t cry about it. Bonnie only told me last week. I’m sure