a non-Drainpipe can supply enough energy to last up to five days. In the absence of anyone to feel superior to, a Drainpipe can subsist on scraps of vegan food and John Waters movies on VHS. The Drainpipe diet, in truth, is low in nutrients, which is why Drainpipes tend to be extremely thin and tire easily – Drainpipes are often forced to sit down or have a nap after no more than half an hour of downloading the Nick Drake songs their friend told them about yesterday, so that next time they won’t have to pretend to know who he is. In the case of Tom Waits, it can sometimes take only five minutes.
Although they have not been with us for long, the Reticulated Drainpipe has developed a complex religious system, revolving mainly around the ‘father god’, Irony. Irony dictates all Drainpipe behaviour, and the rules about what a Drainpipe may or may not do, say, think, watch, listen to, eat, or have sex with, are exceedingly strict and confusing. However, a key tenet of the faith is that a Drainpipe may circumvent any of these rules by invoking the name of the great god Irony. For example, a Drainpipe might declare, ‘For Irony’s sake, I will attend this Phil Collins concert’, or ‘In the name of Irony do I enter this Hog’s Breath Café.’ Ideally, these activities should be undertaken in the company of fellow Drainpipes, as legend has it that Irony frowns upon those who would make offerings to him without getting in a group and giggling to each other. Irony is a harsh god, but also at times a kind one – he bestows many blessings upon those whose haircuts, or in some cases beards, please him and who shop at stores that don’t take Eftpos. These blessings are often in the form of vintage hats or iTunes vouchers. Other elements of the Drainpipe religion include the commandment that ‘thou shalt only be into things before they are popular’. This can result in quite a balancing act, especially when Drainpipes gather in large groups to be ironic and are forced to keep close count on how many people are into something, lest they accidentally keep being into it when too many other people are too. It’s pretty exhausting being a Drainpipe.
Drainpipes are mainly sedentary creatures, but when they are forced to travel to find new feeding grounds or for a Centrelink appointment, they will either use public transport or a strange Drainpipe device known as a ‘fixie’. Currently, nobody knows exactly what a fixie is, but they are evidently powerful and revolutionary modes of transportation. Non-Drainpipes are warned not to allow themselves to be drawn into a conversation about fixies, lest they discover that it will never, ever end. As long as a Drainpipe doesn’t need to move, however, he won’t, preferring to spend his time drinking odd liquids and leaning against things, usually while checking his hair in a window.
Drainpipes do of course enjoy a wide variety of other activities, but they’re fairly obscure – you probably haven’t heard of them.
One thing you may have heard of, though, is the Monoteen , a youthful Fauxke closely related to the Reticulated Drainpipe and with the potential to become one later in life, though many Monoteens also become Tunesters, and quite a few become psychopaths.
The Monoteen is a sullen, ill-tempered Fauxke, and it is recommended that members of the public do not attempt to approach one, if only to avoid being bored. At the time of writing, there are no recorded instances of Monoteens attacking people, but there are quite a few of Monoteens grunting at people and walking away in a rude fashion. Monoteens can be identified by their protruding lower lip, hair-covered eyes, and strong smell of angst. They will also frequently be wearing a My Chemical Romance T-shirt, or, in the case of the common subspecies Retromonoteen, Nirvana.
Central to the Monoteen’s life cycle is his mating ritual, which is unique in nature and consists of the individual Monoteen sitting by himself
Although they have not been with us for long, the Reticulated Drainpipe has developed a complex religious system, revolving mainly around the ‘father god’, Irony. Irony dictates all Drainpipe behaviour, and the rules about what a Drainpipe may or may not do, say, think, watch, listen to, eat, or have sex with, are exceedingly strict and confusing. However, a key tenet of the faith is that a Drainpipe may circumvent any of these rules by invoking the name of the great god Irony. For example, a Drainpipe might declare, ‘For Irony’s sake, I will attend this Phil Collins concert’, or ‘In the name of Irony do I enter this Hog’s Breath Café.’ Ideally, these activities should be undertaken in the company of fellow Drainpipes, as legend has it that Irony frowns upon those who would make offerings to him without getting in a group and giggling to each other. Irony is a harsh god, but also at times a kind one – he bestows many blessings upon those whose haircuts, or in some cases beards, please him and who shop at stores that don’t take Eftpos. These blessings are often in the form of vintage hats or iTunes vouchers. Other elements of the Drainpipe religion include the commandment that ‘thou shalt only be into things before they are popular’. This can result in quite a balancing act, especially when Drainpipes gather in large groups to be ironic and are forced to keep close count on how many people are into something, lest they accidentally keep being into it when too many other people are too. It’s pretty exhausting being a Drainpipe.
Drainpipes are mainly sedentary creatures, but when they are forced to travel to find new feeding grounds or for a Centrelink appointment, they will either use public transport or a strange Drainpipe device known as a ‘fixie’. Currently, nobody knows exactly what a fixie is, but they are evidently powerful and revolutionary modes of transportation. Non-Drainpipes are warned not to allow themselves to be drawn into a conversation about fixies, lest they discover that it will never, ever end. As long as a Drainpipe doesn’t need to move, however, he won’t, preferring to spend his time drinking odd liquids and leaning against things, usually while checking his hair in a window.
Drainpipes do of course enjoy a wide variety of other activities, but they’re fairly obscure – you probably haven’t heard of them.
One thing you may have heard of, though, is the Monoteen , a youthful Fauxke closely related to the Reticulated Drainpipe and with the potential to become one later in life, though many Monoteens also become Tunesters, and quite a few become psychopaths.
The Monoteen is a sullen, ill-tempered Fauxke, and it is recommended that members of the public do not attempt to approach one, if only to avoid being bored. At the time of writing, there are no recorded instances of Monoteens attacking people, but there are quite a few of Monoteens grunting at people and walking away in a rude fashion. Monoteens can be identified by their protruding lower lip, hair-covered eyes, and strong smell of angst. They will also frequently be wearing a My Chemical Romance T-shirt, or, in the case of the common subspecies Retromonoteen, Nirvana.
Central to the Monoteen’s life cycle is his mating ritual, which is unique in nature and consists of the individual Monoteen sitting by himself
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