division.”
“Kitling,” Teela said, almost gently, “you were.”
“He thinks I was a good child, turned thief because I had no other way of living in the streets of Nightshade.”
“But you know better?”
“Don’t patronize me.”
“I’m not. I’m treating you like a self-absorbed and ignorant human. Patronizing is different.” Teela lifted her mug. “Look. What humans do when they’re desperate is just an expression of fear. What they do when they feel safe is a better indication of whether or not you can trust them.”
“I thought the Barrani were allergic to trust.”
Teela shrugged. “It’s a figure of speech. What you’ve done, feeling safe? Volunteer with the midwives. The foundling hall. You’ve been, in Marcus’s estimation, a better officer than most of his Barrani. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You did what you did—”
Kaylin let her talk. It did not, however, make her feel any better; the words felt hollow, built on a foundation that was shaky at best. Not as she remembered Elianne, who’d fled Nightshade after the deaths of Steffi and Jade. Fled Nightshade and ended up…elsewhere.
“Kaylin?”
Severn’s voice pulled her back from the sharp bite of memory: her first night in Barren. She tried to school her expression, to force it into casual, neutral lines. It would change nothing. He knew what she was thinking.
She had taken a name for herself, not once, but twice: when she had first met the Hawklord, and when she had seen the Barrani pool of life. The one had been a lie that had slowly enfolded her, becoming a truth she desperately wanted to own; the other?
She had given it to Severn.
He knew what she was thinking. But as he could, he now gave her room.
It never went away. The regret. The guilt. Sometimes it ebbed for long enough that she could believe she was beyond it, but that was wishful thinking, another way of lying to herself. She didn’t want to share this with Teela and Tain. Sharing bar brawls and near-death, yes. But this?
“Come on,” Severn told her quietly. “Let me take you home.”
“I can find home on my own.”
He waited.
Teela snorted and rose. “This,” she said coolly, “is as much fun as the High Court.”
“Less,” Tain added. “No danger.”
“Pardon me for boring you both,” she snapped.
“We might. I have a question for you,” Teela said, as she rose. “You left Nightshade, and you entered Barren, yes?”
Kaylin nodded. It was brusque, and invited no further questions—but that was too subtle for Teela when she was determined.
“Did you notice nothing at all about the transition?”
“Transition?”
“You left Nightshade.”
“I enter Nightshade and leave it now. I don’t notice it either way.”
“Now, you’re not of Nightshade.” Teela glanced at Tain, who shrugged.
“It was a straight run along the border nearest the river,” Kaylin told them both. “I wasn’t close to the—the other border.”
“No. If you’d run in that direction, you’d never have met the Hawklord. And,” Teela added, “our lives would generally be less interesting for the lack.” She nodded to Severn. “Tain and I have a little drinking to do. See that she gets home.”
He didn’t even bridle at the casual order.
“I’m not angry anymore,” Kaylin told Severn as they walked along the river’s side. Her gaze traveled across its banks, and into the shallows of night. Night in the fiefs was death unless you were armed and trained. She could walk there now without much fear, and that was something she’d never even dreamed of as a child.
Severn said nothing.
“I know why you did—what you did.”
He nodded. “But?”
She frowned. “It’s Barren,” she said quietly.
“The fief or the Lord?”
“I’m not sure you can ever separate a fief from its fief lord. But…the fief. The first night. The first day. I don’t think about it much anymore.” She kicked a loose stone with her right
“Kitling,” Teela said, almost gently, “you were.”
“He thinks I was a good child, turned thief because I had no other way of living in the streets of Nightshade.”
“But you know better?”
“Don’t patronize me.”
“I’m not. I’m treating you like a self-absorbed and ignorant human. Patronizing is different.” Teela lifted her mug. “Look. What humans do when they’re desperate is just an expression of fear. What they do when they feel safe is a better indication of whether or not you can trust them.”
“I thought the Barrani were allergic to trust.”
Teela shrugged. “It’s a figure of speech. What you’ve done, feeling safe? Volunteer with the midwives. The foundling hall. You’ve been, in Marcus’s estimation, a better officer than most of his Barrani. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You did what you did—”
Kaylin let her talk. It did not, however, make her feel any better; the words felt hollow, built on a foundation that was shaky at best. Not as she remembered Elianne, who’d fled Nightshade after the deaths of Steffi and Jade. Fled Nightshade and ended up…elsewhere.
“Kaylin?”
Severn’s voice pulled her back from the sharp bite of memory: her first night in Barren. She tried to school her expression, to force it into casual, neutral lines. It would change nothing. He knew what she was thinking.
She had taken a name for herself, not once, but twice: when she had first met the Hawklord, and when she had seen the Barrani pool of life. The one had been a lie that had slowly enfolded her, becoming a truth she desperately wanted to own; the other?
She had given it to Severn.
He knew what she was thinking. But as he could, he now gave her room.
It never went away. The regret. The guilt. Sometimes it ebbed for long enough that she could believe she was beyond it, but that was wishful thinking, another way of lying to herself. She didn’t want to share this with Teela and Tain. Sharing bar brawls and near-death, yes. But this?
“Come on,” Severn told her quietly. “Let me take you home.”
“I can find home on my own.”
He waited.
Teela snorted and rose. “This,” she said coolly, “is as much fun as the High Court.”
“Less,” Tain added. “No danger.”
“Pardon me for boring you both,” she snapped.
“We might. I have a question for you,” Teela said, as she rose. “You left Nightshade, and you entered Barren, yes?”
Kaylin nodded. It was brusque, and invited no further questions—but that was too subtle for Teela when she was determined.
“Did you notice nothing at all about the transition?”
“Transition?”
“You left Nightshade.”
“I enter Nightshade and leave it now. I don’t notice it either way.”
“Now, you’re not of Nightshade.” Teela glanced at Tain, who shrugged.
“It was a straight run along the border nearest the river,” Kaylin told them both. “I wasn’t close to the—the other border.”
“No. If you’d run in that direction, you’d never have met the Hawklord. And,” Teela added, “our lives would generally be less interesting for the lack.” She nodded to Severn. “Tain and I have a little drinking to do. See that she gets home.”
He didn’t even bridle at the casual order.
“I’m not angry anymore,” Kaylin told Severn as they walked along the river’s side. Her gaze traveled across its banks, and into the shallows of night. Night in the fiefs was death unless you were armed and trained. She could walk there now without much fear, and that was something she’d never even dreamed of as a child.
Severn said nothing.
“I know why you did—what you did.”
He nodded. “But?”
She frowned. “It’s Barren,” she said quietly.
“The fief or the Lord?”
“I’m not sure you can ever separate a fief from its fief lord. But…the fief. The first night. The first day. I don’t think about it much anymore.” She kicked a loose stone with her right
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