believed I was falling in love with.
Anton wanted to go to court with me the day my divorce was
finalised. I wanted to go alone. Everybody advised me against it.
“If you feel you cannot take one of your children with you,
then ask a friend. Just promise me you won’t go through it alone,” the
headmaster insisted.
I lied: “Okay, Sir, I will get a friend to go with me.”
I knew I was not going to. Couldn’t anybody understand that
I wanted to go through this alone? Couldn’t they just see that it was so much
easier for me not to share this experience with anyone? Maybe I had to prove
to myself that I was strong enough to rid myself of a marriage that literally
put my life in danger. Maybe I had to prove to myself that I was worth standing
up for, that I was worth fighting for a new life for myself. They all meant
well but they had a difficult time believing that I was strong enough to go
through the divorce on my own, not leaning on anyone.
The evening after my divorce was finalised by the court,
Anton knocked on my door with a bottle of champagne and some flowers in hand.
I was happy to see him. I wasn’t hungry and I did not plan to cook anything
that evening. I ended up cooking us a simple dinner of scrambled eggs and he
opened the champagne.
He put on some music and after dinner held out his hand for
a dance. My head turning a bit from the champagne, I allowed him to pull me to
my feet. He held me close and in that moment I felt a peace come over me. I
finally knew I was free. Not only was I free from the shackles of a loveless
marriage but I received the final results from the lab the day before,
confirming my status as being HIV Negative.
When Anton bent down his head to kiss me, I did not resist.
His kiss was soft and comforting but he soon parted my lips with his tongue.
Was this wrong? No! I am a single woman! How can it be wrong?
I ignored the voice at the back of my mind telling me that I
did not really love him. He was good to me. He was a good friend and nowhere
did it say that I couldn’t learn to love someone who seems to always be there
for me.
I did not resist when he took off my blouse and unclipped my
bra, all while still kissing me. I did not resist when he carried me to my
bedroom and lay me down on the bed. I watched in silence as he first took off
my pants and then my panties. I felt the cool night air over my naked body
while I quietly watched him get rid of his clothes.
He lay down next to me and started kissing me again. The
champagne made my head spin and in a far corner of my mind, I was thinking that
I did not really want to do this. However, I convinced myself that I had
fallen in love with Anton and I suppose this is the logical next step. I was
not married anymore and both of us were legally and morally allowed to do what
we wanted to. The children have grown up and have moved into their own
apartment about a month before, so it was just me in that big house. So why
could I not allow myself to give in to the fire that must still have been burning
inside me? All it needed was a little flame of passion to ignite it again, I
told myself.
I opened my legs and felt Anton penetrate me. He was
whispering to me but none of what he said stuck in my mind long enough for me
to take any notice. I made the right sounds so he would think I was completely
into what we were doing. But I knew that I was just playing a part.
Why could my body and my emotions not respond the way it
should? I was sure I would be able to fall in love with Anton. I had become
so dependent on him emotionally but physically there seemed to be a wall
between us. Not that he seemed to be aware of the separation. He told me he
loved me a hundred times and I could not begin to count how many times he told
me I was the sexiest and most sensual woman he had ever seen.
Was it Anton or was it Mark causing this cold spot not only
in my
Anton wanted to go to court with me the day my divorce was
finalised. I wanted to go alone. Everybody advised me against it.
“If you feel you cannot take one of your children with you,
then ask a friend. Just promise me you won’t go through it alone,” the
headmaster insisted.
I lied: “Okay, Sir, I will get a friend to go with me.”
I knew I was not going to. Couldn’t anybody understand that
I wanted to go through this alone? Couldn’t they just see that it was so much
easier for me not to share this experience with anyone? Maybe I had to prove
to myself that I was strong enough to rid myself of a marriage that literally
put my life in danger. Maybe I had to prove to myself that I was worth standing
up for, that I was worth fighting for a new life for myself. They all meant
well but they had a difficult time believing that I was strong enough to go
through the divorce on my own, not leaning on anyone.
The evening after my divorce was finalised by the court,
Anton knocked on my door with a bottle of champagne and some flowers in hand.
I was happy to see him. I wasn’t hungry and I did not plan to cook anything
that evening. I ended up cooking us a simple dinner of scrambled eggs and he
opened the champagne.
He put on some music and after dinner held out his hand for
a dance. My head turning a bit from the champagne, I allowed him to pull me to
my feet. He held me close and in that moment I felt a peace come over me. I
finally knew I was free. Not only was I free from the shackles of a loveless
marriage but I received the final results from the lab the day before,
confirming my status as being HIV Negative.
When Anton bent down his head to kiss me, I did not resist.
His kiss was soft and comforting but he soon parted my lips with his tongue.
Was this wrong? No! I am a single woman! How can it be wrong?
I ignored the voice at the back of my mind telling me that I
did not really love him. He was good to me. He was a good friend and nowhere
did it say that I couldn’t learn to love someone who seems to always be there
for me.
I did not resist when he took off my blouse and unclipped my
bra, all while still kissing me. I did not resist when he carried me to my
bedroom and lay me down on the bed. I watched in silence as he first took off
my pants and then my panties. I felt the cool night air over my naked body
while I quietly watched him get rid of his clothes.
He lay down next to me and started kissing me again. The
champagne made my head spin and in a far corner of my mind, I was thinking that
I did not really want to do this. However, I convinced myself that I had
fallen in love with Anton and I suppose this is the logical next step. I was
not married anymore and both of us were legally and morally allowed to do what
we wanted to. The children have grown up and have moved into their own
apartment about a month before, so it was just me in that big house. So why
could I not allow myself to give in to the fire that must still have been burning
inside me? All it needed was a little flame of passion to ignite it again, I
told myself.
I opened my legs and felt Anton penetrate me. He was
whispering to me but none of what he said stuck in my mind long enough for me
to take any notice. I made the right sounds so he would think I was completely
into what we were doing. But I knew that I was just playing a part.
Why could my body and my emotions not respond the way it
should? I was sure I would be able to fall in love with Anton. I had become
so dependent on him emotionally but physically there seemed to be a wall
between us. Not that he seemed to be aware of the separation. He told me he
loved me a hundred times and I could not begin to count how many times he told
me I was the sexiest and most sensual woman he had ever seen.
Was it Anton or was it Mark causing this cold spot not only
in my
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