Or do you mean something like the CIB?”
I thought she was going to explode. A strangulated noise came from the back of her throat and her face filled with blood. In other circumstances, it would have been fascinating. I knew I couldn't keep this up for much longer or she'd kill me, so in a flash of inspiration I dropped to my knees in front of her bloody great slavering hound. The way to a pet owner's heart and all that.
“What a beautiful dog!” I said, peering into its bloodshot eyes. Its breath, I noticed, was almost as foul as its owner's. “I just love dogs, don't you, Miss Payne, so sweet and …”
God knows how I would have carried on, but it was all academic since the dog, obviously mistaking me for some kind of huge doggy chew, made a lunge for my neck, its yellow fangs snapping shut with a sickening
clack
millimeters from my skin. I tumbled backward and for a moment my life, such as it had been, flashed before my eyes. Take my word for it, it was no better the second time around. Slasher was straining at the leash, his eyes pinpricks of hatred. Only Miss Payne's grip on the leash kept the beast from ripping into me. I glanced up and I swear that she was thinking about letting it go. I looked into her eyes and I know she was giving it serious thought. Ifit did get loose, I was done for. One of us would have to die and there was no way I could kill that thing. Unless I got stuck in its throat, of course.
And then the moment passed. Miss Payne pulled back on the leash and raised her hand. Slasher instantly cowered. That made two of us. I leaped to my feet and tried the smile again. Even worse this time. Surely Kiffo would have had time to get out of there by now. I couldn't be sure.
“Anyway, Miss Payne, here I am prattling on about myself. That's enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?”
“Miss Harrison, I don't know what game you are playing, but I have had enough.” Her voice was calm, but saturated in venom. “You leap out in front of me and talk gibberish. If this is your idea of a joke, then I am afraid I don't get it. I have already had cause to talk to you about your attitude and now you accost me outside my home, presumably for some stupid practical joke that shows I was right to question your behavior in the first place. I don't know how you found out where I live, but stalking is a crime and unless you leave now, you will be in more trouble than even your fertile mind could imagine. Now I am going into my home. My
home
, Miss Harrison. I don't expect to see you here again.”
And that was it, end of audience. She turned to go in through the gate and it was then, over her shoulder, that I saw the bedroom curtain twitch. That stupid bastard hadn't got out yet! Was he deaf as well as stupid? I had been making enough noise to wake my uncle Jack and he had been deadthese last ten years. Maybe I should have left him to it. I think I had done enough, I'm sure you'll agree. But it was another case of the mouth working while the brain was still having a lie in.
“I love you, Miss Payne,” I yelled. “I've fallen in love with you.”
That stopped her. Bloody well stopped me too. Suddenly I was out of words. The Pitbull turned and looked at me carefully. I tried to make a lovesick expression, but I think it just turned out sick.
“Are you serious?” she whispered.
“Never more so,” I found myself saying. “I love everything about you, the way you move, the way your hair sort of…” I couldn't think what her hair might do other than fall down like a rusty sheet of corrugated iron. “Everything,” I finished lamely. “Perhaps we could talk about it. Perhaps we could go to a café and sit down and discuss it like adults.”
Miss Payne raised her hand and pointed a finger at me. It was like a loaded gun.
“Go home, Miss Harrison,” she said. “I will be reporting this incident to the principal first thing on Monday morning. You need help and I will not speak
I thought she was going to explode. A strangulated noise came from the back of her throat and her face filled with blood. In other circumstances, it would have been fascinating. I knew I couldn't keep this up for much longer or she'd kill me, so in a flash of inspiration I dropped to my knees in front of her bloody great slavering hound. The way to a pet owner's heart and all that.
“What a beautiful dog!” I said, peering into its bloodshot eyes. Its breath, I noticed, was almost as foul as its owner's. “I just love dogs, don't you, Miss Payne, so sweet and …”
God knows how I would have carried on, but it was all academic since the dog, obviously mistaking me for some kind of huge doggy chew, made a lunge for my neck, its yellow fangs snapping shut with a sickening
clack
millimeters from my skin. I tumbled backward and for a moment my life, such as it had been, flashed before my eyes. Take my word for it, it was no better the second time around. Slasher was straining at the leash, his eyes pinpricks of hatred. Only Miss Payne's grip on the leash kept the beast from ripping into me. I glanced up and I swear that she was thinking about letting it go. I looked into her eyes and I know she was giving it serious thought. Ifit did get loose, I was done for. One of us would have to die and there was no way I could kill that thing. Unless I got stuck in its throat, of course.
And then the moment passed. Miss Payne pulled back on the leash and raised her hand. Slasher instantly cowered. That made two of us. I leaped to my feet and tried the smile again. Even worse this time. Surely Kiffo would have had time to get out of there by now. I couldn't be sure.
“Anyway, Miss Payne, here I am prattling on about myself. That's enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?”
“Miss Harrison, I don't know what game you are playing, but I have had enough.” Her voice was calm, but saturated in venom. “You leap out in front of me and talk gibberish. If this is your idea of a joke, then I am afraid I don't get it. I have already had cause to talk to you about your attitude and now you accost me outside my home, presumably for some stupid practical joke that shows I was right to question your behavior in the first place. I don't know how you found out where I live, but stalking is a crime and unless you leave now, you will be in more trouble than even your fertile mind could imagine. Now I am going into my home. My
home
, Miss Harrison. I don't expect to see you here again.”
And that was it, end of audience. She turned to go in through the gate and it was then, over her shoulder, that I saw the bedroom curtain twitch. That stupid bastard hadn't got out yet! Was he deaf as well as stupid? I had been making enough noise to wake my uncle Jack and he had been deadthese last ten years. Maybe I should have left him to it. I think I had done enough, I'm sure you'll agree. But it was another case of the mouth working while the brain was still having a lie in.
“I love you, Miss Payne,” I yelled. “I've fallen in love with you.”
That stopped her. Bloody well stopped me too. Suddenly I was out of words. The Pitbull turned and looked at me carefully. I tried to make a lovesick expression, but I think it just turned out sick.
“Are you serious?” she whispered.
“Never more so,” I found myself saying. “I love everything about you, the way you move, the way your hair sort of…” I couldn't think what her hair might do other than fall down like a rusty sheet of corrugated iron. “Everything,” I finished lamely. “Perhaps we could talk about it. Perhaps we could go to a café and sit down and discuss it like adults.”
Miss Payne raised her hand and pointed a finger at me. It was like a loaded gun.
“Go home, Miss Harrison,” she said. “I will be reporting this incident to the principal first thing on Monday morning. You need help and I will not speak
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