told me.
HamburgerHalpin: that’s right. i knew yr dad was a cop
Smiley_Man3000: He’s not actually a cop. He used to be a patrol officer. Some wanker named Hawley had a beef with him, and now my dad, who is a great cop, gets stuck doing stuff like checking in stolen property or dispatcher work. He was on the radio on the overnight/early-morning shift last night.
HamburgerHalpin: wait, someone called in the sign being down? what is it with this lame town? what would people do if something real happened? who was it? my mom?
Smiley_Man3000: I want to say the Finkbeiners? My dad said they call a lot.
HamburgerHalpin: Finkelsteins?
Smiley_Man3000: That sounds right.
HamburgerHalpin: they r my neighbors
Smiley_Man3000: That would explain it.
HamburgerHalpin: she’s always giving nasty looks
Smiley_Man3000: Why’s that? You seem to be a perfectly likable chap.
HamburgerHalpin: we had a torrid affair and it ended badly. she’s super bitter
Smiley_Man3000: Really?!?
HamburgerHalpin: u r 2 gullible. plus you use words like chap and good man way 2 much
Smiley_Man3000: Sorry.
HamburgerHalpin: i’m just kidding around
Smiley_Man3000: I knew that.
HamburgerHalpin: right sure you did
Smiley_Man3000: I did!
HamburgerHalpin: you totally thought i had a love affair with my 800-year-old neighbor
Smiley_Man3000: Did you mean to type“80”?
HamburgerHalpin: i stand by what i said
Smiley_Man3000: She’s really 800?
HamburgerHalpin: 801 next bastille day
Smiley_Man3000: Wow, you like ‘em wrinkly.
HamburgerHalpin: smileyman r u teasing me?
Smiley_Man3000: Sorry.
HamburgerHalpin: it’s cool. funny. especially because it is actually you who loves old lady saggy boobs!
Smiley_Man3000: Do not!
HamburgerHalpin: u <3 ‖ (.) (.)
I crack myself up with this one. He doesn’t respond for a while, though. Maybe the connection has gone bad? Then the message comes back as this:
Smiley_Man3000: omg. oh i love u and i totally want to be yr boyfriend! I LOVE DUUUUDES!!!!!!!!!!
Several things about this are clear: The first is that Devon does not love dudes. The second is that somebody in class hijacked Devon’s Crony, read our chat, then added their own message. They must think this is the height of hilarity. Wait. Do they know it is me on the other end? Do they see my name on there? Are they swift enough to figure out who Hamburger-Halpin is? I scroll up and see that nowhere does it actually say my real name, so maybe I am safe. I don’t want my swim trunks, or my life, to be flushed down the toilet. Too much of a splash for Watcher Guy.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Lunch today: hot dogs, some sort of broccoli casserole thing, and … an apple? It is unnatural to eat anything green, and apples are just pointless. Seriously, what am I, a horse? A pig? Don’t answer that. While wolfing down several hot dogs, I spy with my little eye A. J. Fischels sitting angry and more or less alone on the fringes, far from his usual group. Even Gabby Myers has abandoned him and is squeezing into a seat a few tables over with Teresa Lockhart.
Must not get caught staring at A.J. again. Then, ah, the random universe smiles on me, because, just as I begin my search, the most beautiful girl in school sits clearly in my line of sight. Leigha Pennington. I don’t get to use the word “gorgeous” very often, especially since I can’t quite remember the sign for it. (I do know the sign for “good-looking”—you just point to your own face. Our signing forerunners must have been a vainlot.) But “gorgeous” is the only word for Leigha. Words like “pretty” or “hot” just don’t cut it. I guess every school has a Leigha, and ours is Leigha.
Today, in very un-Leigha fashion, she is alone. I contemplate smiling at her or waving or even passing a note. Maybe Leigha is lonely too, at least for this one tiny moment? But, no, of course not. In less time than it takes for me to swallow a hot dog, she pulls people into her orbit without even
HamburgerHalpin: that’s right. i knew yr dad was a cop
Smiley_Man3000: He’s not actually a cop. He used to be a patrol officer. Some wanker named Hawley had a beef with him, and now my dad, who is a great cop, gets stuck doing stuff like checking in stolen property or dispatcher work. He was on the radio on the overnight/early-morning shift last night.
HamburgerHalpin: wait, someone called in the sign being down? what is it with this lame town? what would people do if something real happened? who was it? my mom?
Smiley_Man3000: I want to say the Finkbeiners? My dad said they call a lot.
HamburgerHalpin: Finkelsteins?
Smiley_Man3000: That sounds right.
HamburgerHalpin: they r my neighbors
Smiley_Man3000: That would explain it.
HamburgerHalpin: she’s always giving nasty looks
Smiley_Man3000: Why’s that? You seem to be a perfectly likable chap.
HamburgerHalpin: we had a torrid affair and it ended badly. she’s super bitter
Smiley_Man3000: Really?!?
HamburgerHalpin: u r 2 gullible. plus you use words like chap and good man way 2 much
Smiley_Man3000: Sorry.
HamburgerHalpin: i’m just kidding around
Smiley_Man3000: I knew that.
HamburgerHalpin: right sure you did
Smiley_Man3000: I did!
HamburgerHalpin: you totally thought i had a love affair with my 800-year-old neighbor
Smiley_Man3000: Did you mean to type“80”?
HamburgerHalpin: i stand by what i said
Smiley_Man3000: She’s really 800?
HamburgerHalpin: 801 next bastille day
Smiley_Man3000: Wow, you like ‘em wrinkly.
HamburgerHalpin: smileyman r u teasing me?
Smiley_Man3000: Sorry.
HamburgerHalpin: it’s cool. funny. especially because it is actually you who loves old lady saggy boobs!
Smiley_Man3000: Do not!
HamburgerHalpin: u <3 ‖ (.) (.)
I crack myself up with this one. He doesn’t respond for a while, though. Maybe the connection has gone bad? Then the message comes back as this:
Smiley_Man3000: omg. oh i love u and i totally want to be yr boyfriend! I LOVE DUUUUDES!!!!!!!!!!
Several things about this are clear: The first is that Devon does not love dudes. The second is that somebody in class hijacked Devon’s Crony, read our chat, then added their own message. They must think this is the height of hilarity. Wait. Do they know it is me on the other end? Do they see my name on there? Are they swift enough to figure out who Hamburger-Halpin is? I scroll up and see that nowhere does it actually say my real name, so maybe I am safe. I don’t want my swim trunks, or my life, to be flushed down the toilet. Too much of a splash for Watcher Guy.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Lunch today: hot dogs, some sort of broccoli casserole thing, and … an apple? It is unnatural to eat anything green, and apples are just pointless. Seriously, what am I, a horse? A pig? Don’t answer that. While wolfing down several hot dogs, I spy with my little eye A. J. Fischels sitting angry and more or less alone on the fringes, far from his usual group. Even Gabby Myers has abandoned him and is squeezing into a seat a few tables over with Teresa Lockhart.
Must not get caught staring at A.J. again. Then, ah, the random universe smiles on me, because, just as I begin my search, the most beautiful girl in school sits clearly in my line of sight. Leigha Pennington. I don’t get to use the word “gorgeous” very often, especially since I can’t quite remember the sign for it. (I do know the sign for “good-looking”—you just point to your own face. Our signing forerunners must have been a vainlot.) But “gorgeous” is the only word for Leigha. Words like “pretty” or “hot” just don’t cut it. I guess every school has a Leigha, and ours is Leigha.
Today, in very un-Leigha fashion, she is alone. I contemplate smiling at her or waving or even passing a note. Maybe Leigha is lonely too, at least for this one tiny moment? But, no, of course not. In less time than it takes for me to swallow a hot dog, she pulls people into her orbit without even
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