The Darkest Secret: A New Adult Romance Novel by Jessica Pine Page B

meant I'd have him inside me, even if it was only in my mouth.
    Everglade snorted about the patriarchy at every opportunity, but I kind of liked that he forced his way into every aspect of my sex life, even the most private aspects. Knowing that I was following his instructions made me feel his presence, as if he was always there, holding me, his hand cupping me where I was bare and soft and ached for him.
    Whenever he thought my attention was flagging he would send me pictures - either nude selfies or pornographic drawings of us together. He worked part time at a tattoo parlor on the beach, where he drew custom designs. The first time he took me there I was fascinated, like I was with everything else about him. He showed me the design he'd created for the Reaper tattoo on his back - "Based on the Rider-Waite tarot, baby," he said. "The most famous deck - designed by some chick who was part of Aleister Crowley's sex cult out in Sicily."
    I think he expected me to turn squeamish at all the blood and needles, but my little henna tattoo hadn't hurt that much, so when he turned up one day with my name tattooed at the top of his spine, I just laughed.
    "Are you crazy?" I said. I didn't say that we might break up - already I was too far gone for that.
    "Maybe," he said, trying to stick the dressing back in place. I leaned forward and taped it back for him, over the bloody Gothic letters at his nape. "It's only five letters, cher. Six for you."
    "Six?"
    "Yeah. Amber is five letters, Justin is six."
    I caught his meaning and stared at him. "You want me to get your name tattooed on my body?"
    He didn't smile.
    "You want me to take your virginity. What's the difference?"
    "A lot," I said. The word 'virginity' sounded ridiculous now - was I really a virgin after all the things we'd done? I didn't feel like one any more. "It's...permanent."
    "And I'm not?" he said, crawling over me on the bed. I glanced at the door - Everglade wasn't due back for a while but I hadn't thought to put a sock on the door handle to indicate that we were busy.
    "You know what I mean," I said, as his hands slid up my inner thighs and his fingers crept inside me.
    "Nope," he said, against my lips. I could feel he was hard, just like he always was. Sometimes I wondered what he did when he left me unsatisfied on purpose; were there other girls he went to? I arched up against him, my flesh defenseless against the buttons of his jeans. I looked up into his eyes and his jaw was set firm - no chance that this was going to be it, the one time he finally relented.
    "Please," I said. "Please. I'll do it if you'll fuck me."
    He smiled. "Swear?"
    "I swear," I said, my hips already stirring with need.
    "On your mother's grave?"
    "Yes," I said, deciding this was no time to tell him she'd been cremated. And then just like that he unbuttoned and stuck it in me, without ceremony or a condom.
    "Oh," I said. I don't know what I'd expected - earthly bliss or something. Instead I was just anxious. This was everything they had told me not to do in health class. Our school had been pretty lousy in all other aspects of education but they'd briefed us extensively on safe sex. "Um...shouldn't you?..." I started to say.
    He rolled his eyes and went to pull out. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him close, determined not to lose what I'd waited so long for. I made him go too deep and I winced, but I'd have him like this or not at all.
    "What's up?" he said. "You're on the pill, aren't you?"
    "Sure," I said. I made a mental note to run down to the health center the next day. Maybe grab a morning-after pill too, just to be on the safe side.
    "Good," he said. "'Cause I fucking hate condoms."
    Afterwards I wanted to cry; I was so disappointed. Justin was annoyed because I didn't come and I was ashamed that I hadn't. The truth was it didn't feel nearly as good as it did when he went down on me, and I couldn't relax because I was too worried about getting pregnant. But I'd sworn I'd do it,