The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction by Wendy Northcutt Page B
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
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hospital.
Four painful hours later, doctors finally separated man from bench. It is certainly possible that the lack of blood flow easily could have caused sufficient damage to require doctors to remove his penis. This is one bad date that Le Xing will never forget.
Reference: telegraph.co.uk , weirdasianews.com ,
asylum.com , news.ninemsn.com.au
Reader Comments
“What a pre’dic’ament!”
“Wholly embarrassing.”
“A man from the country that invented the Chinese Finger Trap should have been able to figure out how to release his piece, ya think?”
“Apparently this man has never heard of Vaseline.”
“Talk about a ‘Man of Steel’!”
“Polishing the bench.”
“That’s what happens when you the use services of a ‘cheap ho.’”
A photograph of the man and his metal mistress:
www.DarwinAwards.com/book/benchpress
At-Risk Survivor: Pipe Cleaner
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring gonads!
5 JANUARY 2010, SOUTHAMPTON, UK | Oh dear. Yet another man has got his hoohaw stuck in a pipe, taking many precise maneuvers with a blowtorch and metal grinder to cut him loose from the steel—might as well say it—Iron Maiden. All told, seven firefighters and medics were involved in the delicate operation. “The crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting,” said a tongue-in-cheek spokesman for Hampshire Fire and Rescue.
Reference: The Sun, Daily Telegraph
As long-time readers know, this isn’t the first man caught laying pipe . . . but not all pipe incidents are lascivious. For instance, check out Mortar Fire, page 155.
At-Risk Survivor: Single Bud Vase
Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness
Featuring gonads!
2009 | I am a nurse on a busy surgical unit. I received a report that a young patient was arriving with severe lacerations to his unmentionables. Try as I might, I could not imagine what this poor lad had done to injure himself.
“You stuck what where ?”
The twenty-one-year-old patient confided to me that, upset by his girlfriend’s unwillingness to have intimate relations, he had romanced a flower vase! Alas, in the heat of the moment, the bud vase shattered, lacerating his penis. He required emergency surgery.
Afterward, the urologist told us that the boy would require a catheter for weeks, and he was unsure if his mojo would be functional. I felt sorry for the kid . . . but did laugh when I saw his girlfriend walking down the hall, bringing flowers!
Reference: A Nurse who wishes to remain anonymous
Reader Comments
“A new technique for Kenny . . . !” (This Southpark cartoon character frequently dies in freak masturbation accidents.)
At-Risk Survivor: Battered Sausages
Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness
Featuring gonads, mostly!
Dr. Kiernan has been a prolific contributor to the Darwin Awards, particularly with urological reports. Four stories from the files of the good doctor . . .
MARCH 2007 | The most grateful patient I ever treated had found true love with a household vacuum. He presented to me with a very swollen and sorry-for-itself penis, and it was obvious that the member had been somewhere it shouldn’t be. I confronted him, and he denied the truth (wouldn’t you?) until I told him I had a foolproof cure to prevent recurrent damage. He brightened up.
“Make sure to attach a cardboard toilet-paper roll to the end of the suction first, so you can soak the roll off your happy peewee if it becomes necessary.” He was most grateful for the advice.
At-Risk Survivor: What a Pickle!
APRIL 2008 | Our hero sought my urgent professional attention after an accident involving a car and his motorbike, on his way to a Saturday night party. He had sustained a compound broken femur. The management of this life-threatening condition was hampered by his refusal to have his black leather trousers cut off. In fact, we argued with him for ten minutes trying to access his common sense and get his consent, while doing other
Four painful hours later, doctors finally separated man from bench. It is certainly possible that the lack of blood flow easily could have caused sufficient damage to require doctors to remove his penis. This is one bad date that Le Xing will never forget.
Reference: telegraph.co.uk , weirdasianews.com ,
asylum.com , news.ninemsn.com.au
Reader Comments
“What a pre’dic’ament!”
“Wholly embarrassing.”
“A man from the country that invented the Chinese Finger Trap should have been able to figure out how to release his piece, ya think?”
“Apparently this man has never heard of Vaseline.”
“Talk about a ‘Man of Steel’!”
“Polishing the bench.”
“That’s what happens when you the use services of a ‘cheap ho.’”
A photograph of the man and his metal mistress:
www.DarwinAwards.com/book/benchpress
At-Risk Survivor: Pipe Cleaner
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring gonads!
5 JANUARY 2010, SOUTHAMPTON, UK | Oh dear. Yet another man has got his hoohaw stuck in a pipe, taking many precise maneuvers with a blowtorch and metal grinder to cut him loose from the steel—might as well say it—Iron Maiden. All told, seven firefighters and medics were involved in the delicate operation. “The crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting,” said a tongue-in-cheek spokesman for Hampshire Fire and Rescue.
Reference: The Sun, Daily Telegraph
As long-time readers know, this isn’t the first man caught laying pipe . . . but not all pipe incidents are lascivious. For instance, check out Mortar Fire, page 155.
At-Risk Survivor: Single Bud Vase
Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness
Featuring gonads!
2009 | I am a nurse on a busy surgical unit. I received a report that a young patient was arriving with severe lacerations to his unmentionables. Try as I might, I could not imagine what this poor lad had done to injure himself.
“You stuck what where ?”
The twenty-one-year-old patient confided to me that, upset by his girlfriend’s unwillingness to have intimate relations, he had romanced a flower vase! Alas, in the heat of the moment, the bud vase shattered, lacerating his penis. He required emergency surgery.
Afterward, the urologist told us that the boy would require a catheter for weeks, and he was unsure if his mojo would be functional. I felt sorry for the kid . . . but did laugh when I saw his girlfriend walking down the hall, bringing flowers!
Reference: A Nurse who wishes to remain anonymous
Reader Comments
“A new technique for Kenny . . . !” (This Southpark cartoon character frequently dies in freak masturbation accidents.)
At-Risk Survivor: Battered Sausages
Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness
Featuring gonads, mostly!
Dr. Kiernan has been a prolific contributor to the Darwin Awards, particularly with urological reports. Four stories from the files of the good doctor . . .
MARCH 2007 | The most grateful patient I ever treated had found true love with a household vacuum. He presented to me with a very swollen and sorry-for-itself penis, and it was obvious that the member had been somewhere it shouldn’t be. I confronted him, and he denied the truth (wouldn’t you?) until I told him I had a foolproof cure to prevent recurrent damage. He brightened up.
“Make sure to attach a cardboard toilet-paper roll to the end of the suction first, so you can soak the roll off your happy peewee if it becomes necessary.” He was most grateful for the advice.
At-Risk Survivor: What a Pickle!
APRIL 2008 | Our hero sought my urgent professional attention after an accident involving a car and his motorbike, on his way to a Saturday night party. He had sustained a compound broken femur. The management of this life-threatening condition was hampered by his refusal to have his black leather trousers cut off. In fact, we argued with him for ten minutes trying to access his common sense and get his consent, while doing other
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