former sanity?
When would they allow her to take her widow’s portion and take possession of the little dowager house on the Landbrae estate? Or maybe she would purchase a cozy townhouse in…Or perhaps she would even travel to Mayfair and live there in modest comfort. Quietly.
In privacy.
A sudden sense of desperation crashed over her. Tears streamed from her eyes and she sobbed until her belly ached from the intensity.
No, I can’t keep doing this!
I have to be good…to be safe.
But I earned this punishment; I am a terrible, terrible, terrible person!
But I can’t bear my just punishment. I have to get away.
I have to be safe!
She recalled seeing James that afternoon in the garden.
“Sunny?” James had spoken so softy, caressing her fingers. “You can trust me. I will protect you. You can tell me anything.”
Warmth had filled her. He was so strong, and she felt she could trust him. She’d felt safe, so safe there with him.
“Anything, Sunny.”
James had always seemed so serious, so self-assured. Even when he’d been set on seducing her in the garden, he’d done it with a methodical seriousness. He was like a Rock of Gibraltar a woman could cling to in time of crisis. That had been a great part of his appeal to her when she had been eighteen. Yet admitting that seemed disloyal to Freddy.
But it was the truth.
It had been more than James’ self-assurance. He was so smart. Smart from reading books. Clever from life experience. Always observing. She believed one could ask him anything and he would know the answer. The answer to all life’s difficulties.
And those answers wouldn’t be platitudes like—she took a deep breath…Oh, God forgive her!—no, there wouldn’t be any of Freddy’s blithe platitudes. Nor would there be any of Papa’s rigid rules. No, James would simply state the truth.
She licked her lips and swallowed against the dryness in her mouth. James. She craved his strength. She needed his razor-sharp acumen to help her make some decisions in her life.
She needed his help to make a break from Dr. Meeker.
Oh, God!
She placed a hand to her chest, attempting to still her leaping heart.
Dare she leave Dr. Meeker’s care? Wouldn’t it be the most ungrateful thing she’d ever done?
Or would it be the wisest?
Could she survive without Meeker? Surely she would dissolve into total debauchery without his influence.
Yet sometimes, she secretly believed with all her heart, that she could find the way back to sanity on her own. Indeed, that she must find it on her own. In her own way.
Oh, but she just couldn’t be sure!
But James would know. He could be trusted to give her the truth.
Maybe James could take Dr. Meeker’s place.
Why, he could become her guardian in every sense.
She imagined for a moment what that would be like, to be taken in hand by James. It would feel so safe, right?
Of course it would.
Yet, in the time since she had rejected his proposal and wed Freddy, James had stayed away from Scotland. So much time had passed since he had come home to England from the war, and yet he had still stayed away, keeping busy in Mayfair. He seemed to have forgotten altogether that he had a home and an estate in Scotland.
Because of her?
Sunny’s heart beat faster. Had he dreaded the prospect of seeing her that much?
Clearly, he no longer cared for her as he had before. Of course not. She had rejected him. But he was also a very important man with responsibilities. He didn’t have the time to attend to her. Not like she needed.
Yet, he had cared for her once. At least enough to have proposed. Maybe she could make him care for her again, as deeply as he once had. Care for her in the way a man cared for a woman.
But what if you can make him care for you? What about when you are strong enough to fly on your own? And he doesn’t want to let you go? Men can be possessive. What then?
She placed her hands over her ears and bent her head down.
I don’t know! I
When would they allow her to take her widow’s portion and take possession of the little dowager house on the Landbrae estate? Or maybe she would purchase a cozy townhouse in…Or perhaps she would even travel to Mayfair and live there in modest comfort. Quietly.
In privacy.
A sudden sense of desperation crashed over her. Tears streamed from her eyes and she sobbed until her belly ached from the intensity.
No, I can’t keep doing this!
I have to be good…to be safe.
But I earned this punishment; I am a terrible, terrible, terrible person!
But I can’t bear my just punishment. I have to get away.
I have to be safe!
She recalled seeing James that afternoon in the garden.
“Sunny?” James had spoken so softy, caressing her fingers. “You can trust me. I will protect you. You can tell me anything.”
Warmth had filled her. He was so strong, and she felt she could trust him. She’d felt safe, so safe there with him.
“Anything, Sunny.”
James had always seemed so serious, so self-assured. Even when he’d been set on seducing her in the garden, he’d done it with a methodical seriousness. He was like a Rock of Gibraltar a woman could cling to in time of crisis. That had been a great part of his appeal to her when she had been eighteen. Yet admitting that seemed disloyal to Freddy.
But it was the truth.
It had been more than James’ self-assurance. He was so smart. Smart from reading books. Clever from life experience. Always observing. She believed one could ask him anything and he would know the answer. The answer to all life’s difficulties.
And those answers wouldn’t be platitudes like—she took a deep breath…Oh, God forgive her!—no, there wouldn’t be any of Freddy’s blithe platitudes. Nor would there be any of Papa’s rigid rules. No, James would simply state the truth.
She licked her lips and swallowed against the dryness in her mouth. James. She craved his strength. She needed his razor-sharp acumen to help her make some decisions in her life.
She needed his help to make a break from Dr. Meeker.
Oh, God!
She placed a hand to her chest, attempting to still her leaping heart.
Dare she leave Dr. Meeker’s care? Wouldn’t it be the most ungrateful thing she’d ever done?
Or would it be the wisest?
Could she survive without Meeker? Surely she would dissolve into total debauchery without his influence.
Yet sometimes, she secretly believed with all her heart, that she could find the way back to sanity on her own. Indeed, that she must find it on her own. In her own way.
Oh, but she just couldn’t be sure!
But James would know. He could be trusted to give her the truth.
Maybe James could take Dr. Meeker’s place.
Why, he could become her guardian in every sense.
She imagined for a moment what that would be like, to be taken in hand by James. It would feel so safe, right?
Of course it would.
Yet, in the time since she had rejected his proposal and wed Freddy, James had stayed away from Scotland. So much time had passed since he had come home to England from the war, and yet he had still stayed away, keeping busy in Mayfair. He seemed to have forgotten altogether that he had a home and an estate in Scotland.
Because of her?
Sunny’s heart beat faster. Had he dreaded the prospect of seeing her that much?
Clearly, he no longer cared for her as he had before. Of course not. She had rejected him. But he was also a very important man with responsibilities. He didn’t have the time to attend to her. Not like she needed.
Yet, he had cared for her once. At least enough to have proposed. Maybe she could make him care for her again, as deeply as he once had. Care for her in the way a man cared for a woman.
But what if you can make him care for you? What about when you are strong enough to fly on your own? And he doesn’t want to let you go? Men can be possessive. What then?
She placed her hands over her ears and bent her head down.
I don’t know! I
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