people—just
feelings. Terrible feelings. And sounds. Colors.” She shuddered and forced her
hands firmly into her lap.
“You
haven’t been able to remember anything else about Friday night?”
Again,
Elise shook her head, but said nothing.
“And
you still don’t want to see a doctor?” Marie asked. “Or talk to the police?”
“No,”
Elise said. She looked at Marie and saw the deep concern on her face. Forcing a
smile, she reached for Marie’s hand and said, “Don’t look so scared. I’ll make
you a deal. If it gets worse or if anything weird starts happening, I’ll go.” She
saw that her friend looked dubious, so Elise added, “I promise.”
“To
the doctor and the police?”
Elise
repeated, “Promise.”
Marie’s
expression relaxed just a little, and she squeezed Elise’s hand. “We’ll skip
Mass this morning. I’ll leave a message for Father Joe so he doesn’t worry
about me.”
“No,”
Elise said quickly. Indifferent to the idea earlier, now the thought of going
to Mass comforted her. It would be good to be around other people, to pray, and
maybe to forget. “You at least should go. And... it’ll be good for me to go,
too. I don’t go enough. I need to get back on the good foot.”
Marie
smiled. “You’re sure? We could just take a drive or something—head out to
the beach?”
Elise
shook her head. “Later, maybe. Let’s just do what we said.”
Marie
nodded. “Okay, sweetie. And you’re right; it’ll be good. For both of us.”
* * * * * * * *
As
they drove north from Melrose and toward the Hollywood Hills, Elise recalled
the time a date had taken her on a cruise to Catalina Island. She had liked him
so much and had wanted the date to go well, so she tried to hide it when she
began to feel more and more queasy during the boat trip. She tried to imagine
being on dry land and walking barefoot in the sand with him as each little wave
that lifted the boat also made her feel as though her stomach was rising into
her throat. Finally, she had thrown up over the side, wishing for a moment that
embarrassment could be lethal.
Now
she hoped again that her true feelings did not show as Marie drove them toward
St. Lucy’s. She fought not nausea, but panic this time. Relieved that Marie had
switched on the car radio, Elise hoped her friend would not notice how tightly
she gripped the armrest or how her left hand was bunched into a tight fist
beneath the folds of her dress.
The
feeling of panic had started the moment Marie had started the car, the rumble of
its engine and the steady vibration under her feet giving rise to a completely
irrational fear—of what, she could not guess. She simply had the
undeniable feeling that something terrible was about to happen. At the same
time, she wanted desperately for this not to be happening, wanted only to be
normal and to go back to being the person she’d been on Friday afternoon. Everything will be fine , she thought,
but at the same time did not believe it.
When
Marie pulled into the church parking lot, Elise reached into her handbag with
trembling fingers and took out her compact. She looked into the little round
mirror and dabbed powder over the sweat on her nose and brow before opening the
door, as relieved to be out the car as she had been to feel solid ground after
the disastrous Catalina trip. She took a deep breath and closed the door,
waiting for Marie to join her at the front of the car. They walked together up
the oak-lined path to the elegant little church.
When she walked through the doors, Elise felt a sudden chill, and the
sense of foreboding she had had in the car seemed to double. She had to force
herself to dip her fingers in the holy water and was unnerved at the sensation
that her hand seemed repelled by it. It was as though she actually had to push
her fingers in. When she touched her fingers to her forehead, the tiny bit of
water made her skin burn.
I’m going crazy , she thought as she
looked around at other
feelings. Terrible feelings. And sounds. Colors.” She shuddered and forced her
hands firmly into her lap.
“You
haven’t been able to remember anything else about Friday night?”
Again,
Elise shook her head, but said nothing.
“And
you still don’t want to see a doctor?” Marie asked. “Or talk to the police?”
“No,”
Elise said. She looked at Marie and saw the deep concern on her face. Forcing a
smile, she reached for Marie’s hand and said, “Don’t look so scared. I’ll make
you a deal. If it gets worse or if anything weird starts happening, I’ll go.” She
saw that her friend looked dubious, so Elise added, “I promise.”
“To
the doctor and the police?”
Elise
repeated, “Promise.”
Marie’s
expression relaxed just a little, and she squeezed Elise’s hand. “We’ll skip
Mass this morning. I’ll leave a message for Father Joe so he doesn’t worry
about me.”
“No,”
Elise said quickly. Indifferent to the idea earlier, now the thought of going
to Mass comforted her. It would be good to be around other people, to pray, and
maybe to forget. “You at least should go. And... it’ll be good for me to go,
too. I don’t go enough. I need to get back on the good foot.”
Marie
smiled. “You’re sure? We could just take a drive or something—head out to
the beach?”
Elise
shook her head. “Later, maybe. Let’s just do what we said.”
Marie
nodded. “Okay, sweetie. And you’re right; it’ll be good. For both of us.”
* * * * * * * *
As
they drove north from Melrose and toward the Hollywood Hills, Elise recalled
the time a date had taken her on a cruise to Catalina Island. She had liked him
so much and had wanted the date to go well, so she tried to hide it when she
began to feel more and more queasy during the boat trip. She tried to imagine
being on dry land and walking barefoot in the sand with him as each little wave
that lifted the boat also made her feel as though her stomach was rising into
her throat. Finally, she had thrown up over the side, wishing for a moment that
embarrassment could be lethal.
Now
she hoped again that her true feelings did not show as Marie drove them toward
St. Lucy’s. She fought not nausea, but panic this time. Relieved that Marie had
switched on the car radio, Elise hoped her friend would not notice how tightly
she gripped the armrest or how her left hand was bunched into a tight fist
beneath the folds of her dress.
The
feeling of panic had started the moment Marie had started the car, the rumble of
its engine and the steady vibration under her feet giving rise to a completely
irrational fear—of what, she could not guess. She simply had the
undeniable feeling that something terrible was about to happen. At the same
time, she wanted desperately for this not to be happening, wanted only to be
normal and to go back to being the person she’d been on Friday afternoon. Everything will be fine , she thought,
but at the same time did not believe it.
When
Marie pulled into the church parking lot, Elise reached into her handbag with
trembling fingers and took out her compact. She looked into the little round
mirror and dabbed powder over the sweat on her nose and brow before opening the
door, as relieved to be out the car as she had been to feel solid ground after
the disastrous Catalina trip. She took a deep breath and closed the door,
waiting for Marie to join her at the front of the car. They walked together up
the oak-lined path to the elegant little church.
When she walked through the doors, Elise felt a sudden chill, and the
sense of foreboding she had had in the car seemed to double. She had to force
herself to dip her fingers in the holy water and was unnerved at the sensation
that her hand seemed repelled by it. It was as though she actually had to push
her fingers in. When she touched her fingers to her forehead, the tiny bit of
water made her skin burn.
I’m going crazy , she thought as she
looked around at other
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