felt a bit uncomfortable at the thought of sending him pictures of me naked – even if there was a way of taking them thatdidn’t make me look slightly deformed or like a secretary photocopying her breasts after too many lunchtime G&Ts, which, let’s face it, with a camera phone with no timer and normal length arms isn’t as easy as you’d hope. So ours was very much a meeting of smutty, kinky minds using words to weave various erotic scenarios round each other.
We never met. We lived relatively close to each other, but the timing was never right and, as often happens, connections forged intensely online flare and then die quickly, although not before he sent me a set of Ben Wa balls to wear during a long council election shift. I started work at 7am, meeting the head of the council to cover him casting his vote, worked through the day and then sat through the count after the polls closed, all with them inside me. It was a ridiculously safe council, with no upsets or changes of leadership, but I was excited through the whole process, albeit probably not for the reasons my colleagues imagined.
Over the next few months I chatted to various other people online. Some I was tempted to meet, others I’d have actively crossed the street to avoid if they’d appeared in front of me. I shared some amazing fantasies, got an idea of what I found erotic – and what I most definitely didn’t – but still ended up too nervous to actually do anything in person, to take that final step.
For all that there are people that moan about the internet being full of fantasists who want to hide behind their computer screen and not try anything out in real life, for me it was a great place to start – somewhere which felt safe and gave me a chance to explore some ofmy fantasies and think through some of my feelings in an utterly secure, non-judgemental environment. But eventually thinking about or talking about being hurt or humiliated was going to be pushed into the background for something more hands on. And finally I met a three-dimensional, real-life man I felt comfortable enough to start exploring with in person.
4
I met Thomas in a queue. I know, it sounds ridiculous and oh–so-British, but it was a very long queue and we were in it for a very long time. And if you could ever call a queue serendipitous then in hindsight that’s what it was, because when I first met him I thought he was an arse and if I’d had anywhere to escape to I would have wandered off and not spoken to him again, which with everything that’s happened since would have been a real shame.
Ella and I had met at a cinema somewhere in between us to go to a one-off screening of
His Girl Friday
, journalism geeks to the end. We were chatting, waiting to go into the film, and he interrupted. He was alone and obviously bored and I remember thinking he was rude, arrogant and clearly thought a bit much of himself, although my irritation was tempered in slightly fickle fashion by my finding him attractive. After pre- and post-film chat – and a surprising amount of laughter – I had developed a grudging liking for him and when he suggested we go for coffee in the slightly pretentious cafe attached to the cinema afterwards Ella and I agreed, happy he wasn’t an axe murderer and would be bearable company for a while – after that, who cared anyway?
Ironically enough, after a while I found I cared. He took our email addresses when he left, and we ended uphaving round robin email chats about films, current affairs and general life. He was funny, intelligent and had just come out of a long-term relationship. His ex had got custody of most of their friends and he seemed a little lonely. Sitting in my flat alone of a night sometimes I imagined him doing the same. The difference seemed to be that he wasn’t as comfortable with his own company as me. Where I closed my door – and put the chain on immediately as per my dad’s pleas – feeling as though I had come back
We never met. We lived relatively close to each other, but the timing was never right and, as often happens, connections forged intensely online flare and then die quickly, although not before he sent me a set of Ben Wa balls to wear during a long council election shift. I started work at 7am, meeting the head of the council to cover him casting his vote, worked through the day and then sat through the count after the polls closed, all with them inside me. It was a ridiculously safe council, with no upsets or changes of leadership, but I was excited through the whole process, albeit probably not for the reasons my colleagues imagined.
Over the next few months I chatted to various other people online. Some I was tempted to meet, others I’d have actively crossed the street to avoid if they’d appeared in front of me. I shared some amazing fantasies, got an idea of what I found erotic – and what I most definitely didn’t – but still ended up too nervous to actually do anything in person, to take that final step.
For all that there are people that moan about the internet being full of fantasists who want to hide behind their computer screen and not try anything out in real life, for me it was a great place to start – somewhere which felt safe and gave me a chance to explore some ofmy fantasies and think through some of my feelings in an utterly secure, non-judgemental environment. But eventually thinking about or talking about being hurt or humiliated was going to be pushed into the background for something more hands on. And finally I met a three-dimensional, real-life man I felt comfortable enough to start exploring with in person.
4
I met Thomas in a queue. I know, it sounds ridiculous and oh–so-British, but it was a very long queue and we were in it for a very long time. And if you could ever call a queue serendipitous then in hindsight that’s what it was, because when I first met him I thought he was an arse and if I’d had anywhere to escape to I would have wandered off and not spoken to him again, which with everything that’s happened since would have been a real shame.
Ella and I had met at a cinema somewhere in between us to go to a one-off screening of
His Girl Friday
, journalism geeks to the end. We were chatting, waiting to go into the film, and he interrupted. He was alone and obviously bored and I remember thinking he was rude, arrogant and clearly thought a bit much of himself, although my irritation was tempered in slightly fickle fashion by my finding him attractive. After pre- and post-film chat – and a surprising amount of laughter – I had developed a grudging liking for him and when he suggested we go for coffee in the slightly pretentious cafe attached to the cinema afterwards Ella and I agreed, happy he wasn’t an axe murderer and would be bearable company for a while – after that, who cared anyway?
Ironically enough, after a while I found I cared. He took our email addresses when he left, and we ended uphaving round robin email chats about films, current affairs and general life. He was funny, intelligent and had just come out of a long-term relationship. His ex had got custody of most of their friends and he seemed a little lonely. Sitting in my flat alone of a night sometimes I imagined him doing the same. The difference seemed to be that he wasn’t as comfortable with his own company as me. Where I closed my door – and put the chain on immediately as per my dad’s pleas – feeling as though I had come back
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