The Diary of Ma Yan by Ma Yan Page B

why I feel I’m in the wrong.
    Friday, December 8
    This afternoon after school Ma Shiping, my brother, and I get ready to put our things away and go off to the market. We see several tractors from our village. We decide to have a look around first, but when we come back, there isn’t a single tractor left. We run through all the streets. My brother is really angry. He starts swearing. We keep looking for a vehicle, but then my brother disappears, so we have to look for him. We finally find him and also a tractor going near our village. All three of us get up onto the little trailer behind.
    The driver’s father asks us to divide ourselves up onto three tractors. “You can’t all stay here with us. Where will the gas come from? We’re the ones who pay for it.”
    These words make me see red. I’d like to jump off and look for another ride, but there is no other tractor around. I have to stay put and listen to the man.
    The tractor heads off, and the noise of the engine drowns his voice. I can’t hear him anymore. I lower my head and end up falling asleep. When I wake up, we’re almost home.
    When we get off, I take a yuan out of my bag and give it to the driver’s father. He looks at us with contempt.
    I think to myself, Don’t take all of us for poor penniless people. Some pupils are rich, some poor. And don’t take me for a nobody. If I have to answer back and stand up for myself, I will. Don’t mistake all students for people who don’t know how to respond to insults, or how to fight. I’m not like the others. If someone offends me, I’ll remember his name forever. I’ll never forget.
    Saturday, December 9
    Tonight we got up before daybreak to eat and start our fast for the day. My father said his prayers. I helped Mother with the cooking.
    I put the big pot on the stove. Mother takes a little flour, mixes it with water. She wants to make sweet noodles.
    She asks Father what he wants to eat. He says he’ll have the same as we do. Mother takes a smidgen of water and starts to knead the pastry. When she mixes the flour, her hand starts to give her trouble, and she asks me to take over. She’s in so much pain.
    I come over to help her, but then she stops me. “No, it’s not worth it. Go and finish your schoolwork first or you’ll end up doing badly tomorrow.”
    So I go and do my homework. But in fact, I can’t work. I watch Mother. Her hand hurts. But she has to cook now to prepare for the fast. She’s such a kind and courageous woman. She treats her major illness like a minor one, even though she suffersfrom hideous stomach pains. She takes pleasure in helping others. To me, she’s nobility itself.
    Sunday, December 10
    This afternoon Mother made a little food, a few vegetables, so that we could leave for Yuwang before sunset. If we don’t make it back to school tonight, it will be serious. We won’t be present for the first class tomorrow, and the teacher will hit us. I ask Mother to heat up the vegetables quickly and to put the rolls in a bag.
    But everything is already prepared. I haven’t quite finished washing my hair, and she finds time to help me.
    Father and Mother decide to accompany us part of the way. When the moment comes to leave them, my throat tightens. Me, I’m working for my own future, but why are my parents taking so much trouble for us? Do they hope that their children’s lives will be better than their own? Or is it simply that they want us to honor them? Sometimes I really can’t understand them.
    Monday, December 11
    After school today my brother and I finish off our homework. I ask my cousin if she’d like to come to the market with us.
    â€œYes, very much,” she says.
    All three of us leave. In the street I meet my fifth uncle and ask him whether my father has come to town. Yes, he says. He’s just bumped into him.
    While my brother and I look for our father