them."
"People?" Carolinus looked at him suspiciously. "Or dragons?"
"There aren't any dragons where I come from."
"All right, all right," said Carolinus, testily. "You don't have to stretch the truth like that. I believe you about this stomach devil. I was just making sure you knew what you were talking about. Nervous pressureâexactly! These ulcers, how do you exorcise them?"
"Milk," said Jim. "A glass of cow's milk six or eight times a day until the symptoms disappear."
"Ha!"
Carolinus turned about, darted over to a shelf on the wall and took down a tall black bottle. Uncorking it, he poured what looked like red wine into a dusty glass goblet from one of the nearby tables, and held the goblet up to the light.
"Milk," he said.
The red liquid turned white. He drank it off. "Hmm!" he said, with his head on side, waiting. "Hmmâ¦"
Slowly a smile parted his beard. "Why, I do believe," he said, almost gently, "it's helping. Yes, by the Powers! It is!" He turned to Jim, beaming.
"Excellent! The bovine nature of the milk has a remarkably placating effect on the anger of the ulcer, which must, by-the-bye, be a member of the family of Fire Demons, now I come to think of it. Congratulations Gorbash, or Jim, or whatever your name is. I'll be frank with you. When you mentioned earlier you'd been a teaching assistant at a college, I didn't believe you. But I do now. As fine a small bit of sympathetic magic as I've seen for weeks. Well, now"âhe rubbed bony hands togetherâ"to work on your problem."
"Possiblyâ¦" said Jim, "if you could get us together and start out by hypnotizing us both at onceâ" Carolinus's white eyebrows shot up on his forehead like startled rabbits.
"Teach your grandmother to suck eggs!" he snapped. "By the Powers! That's what's wrong with the world today! Ignorance and anarchy!"
He shook a long and not-too-clean forefinger under Jim's muzzle.
"Dragons galumphing hither and yonâknights galumphing yon and hitherânaturals, giants, ogres, sandmirks and other sports and freaks each doing their billy-be-exorcised best to terrorize his own little part of the landscape. Every jackanapes and teaching assistant in his blindness setting himself up to be the equal of a Master of the Arts. It's not endurable!" His eyes lit up exactly like live coals and glowed fiercely at Jim.
"I say it's not! And I don't intend to endure it, either! We'll have order and peace and Art and Science, if I have to turn the moon inside out!"
"But you said for five hundredâI mean, four hundred pounds of goldâ"
"That was business. This is ethics!" Carolinus snatched up some more of his beard and gnawed on it for a moment before spitting it out again. "I thought we'd chaffer a bit about price and see what you were worth. But now that you've paid me with this ulcer spellâ¦" His tone became thoughtful suddenly; his eyes dimmed, unfocused, and seemed to look elsewhere. "Yes. Yes, indeed⦠very interestingâ¦"
"I just thought," Jim said, humbly, "that hypnotism might work, becauseâ"
"Work!" cried Carolinus, returning abruptly to the here and now. "Of course it'd work. Fire will work to cure a bad case of the dropsy. But a dead-and-cindered patient's no success! No, no, Gorbash (I can't remember that other name of yours), recall the First Law of Magic!"
"The what?"
"The First Lawâthe First Law! Didn't they teach you anything at that college?"
"Well, actually, my field wasâ"
"Forgotten it already, I see," sneered Carolinus. "Oh, this younger generation! The Law of Payment, you idiot! For every use of Art of Science, there is a required or corresponding price. Why do you think I live by my fees instead of running through the aleph tables? Just because a number is transfinite doesn't mean you can use it to get something for nothing! Why use hawks and owls and cats and mice and familiars instead of a viewing crystal? Why does a magic potion have a bad taste? Everything
"People?" Carolinus looked at him suspiciously. "Or dragons?"
"There aren't any dragons where I come from."
"All right, all right," said Carolinus, testily. "You don't have to stretch the truth like that. I believe you about this stomach devil. I was just making sure you knew what you were talking about. Nervous pressureâexactly! These ulcers, how do you exorcise them?"
"Milk," said Jim. "A glass of cow's milk six or eight times a day until the symptoms disappear."
"Ha!"
Carolinus turned about, darted over to a shelf on the wall and took down a tall black bottle. Uncorking it, he poured what looked like red wine into a dusty glass goblet from one of the nearby tables, and held the goblet up to the light.
"Milk," he said.
The red liquid turned white. He drank it off. "Hmm!" he said, with his head on side, waiting. "Hmmâ¦"
Slowly a smile parted his beard. "Why, I do believe," he said, almost gently, "it's helping. Yes, by the Powers! It is!" He turned to Jim, beaming.
"Excellent! The bovine nature of the milk has a remarkably placating effect on the anger of the ulcer, which must, by-the-bye, be a member of the family of Fire Demons, now I come to think of it. Congratulations Gorbash, or Jim, or whatever your name is. I'll be frank with you. When you mentioned earlier you'd been a teaching assistant at a college, I didn't believe you. But I do now. As fine a small bit of sympathetic magic as I've seen for weeks. Well, now"âhe rubbed bony hands togetherâ"to work on your problem."
"Possiblyâ¦" said Jim, "if you could get us together and start out by hypnotizing us both at onceâ" Carolinus's white eyebrows shot up on his forehead like startled rabbits.
"Teach your grandmother to suck eggs!" he snapped. "By the Powers! That's what's wrong with the world today! Ignorance and anarchy!"
He shook a long and not-too-clean forefinger under Jim's muzzle.
"Dragons galumphing hither and yonâknights galumphing yon and hitherânaturals, giants, ogres, sandmirks and other sports and freaks each doing their billy-be-exorcised best to terrorize his own little part of the landscape. Every jackanapes and teaching assistant in his blindness setting himself up to be the equal of a Master of the Arts. It's not endurable!" His eyes lit up exactly like live coals and glowed fiercely at Jim.
"I say it's not! And I don't intend to endure it, either! We'll have order and peace and Art and Science, if I have to turn the moon inside out!"
"But you said for five hundredâI mean, four hundred pounds of goldâ"
"That was business. This is ethics!" Carolinus snatched up some more of his beard and gnawed on it for a moment before spitting it out again. "I thought we'd chaffer a bit about price and see what you were worth. But now that you've paid me with this ulcer spellâ¦" His tone became thoughtful suddenly; his eyes dimmed, unfocused, and seemed to look elsewhere. "Yes. Yes, indeed⦠very interestingâ¦"
"I just thought," Jim said, humbly, "that hypnotism might work, becauseâ"
"Work!" cried Carolinus, returning abruptly to the here and now. "Of course it'd work. Fire will work to cure a bad case of the dropsy. But a dead-and-cindered patient's no success! No, no, Gorbash (I can't remember that other name of yours), recall the First Law of Magic!"
"The what?"
"The First Lawâthe First Law! Didn't they teach you anything at that college?"
"Well, actually, my field wasâ"
"Forgotten it already, I see," sneered Carolinus. "Oh, this younger generation! The Law of Payment, you idiot! For every use of Art of Science, there is a required or corresponding price. Why do you think I live by my fees instead of running through the aleph tables? Just because a number is transfinite doesn't mean you can use it to get something for nothing! Why use hawks and owls and cats and mice and familiars instead of a viewing crystal? Why does a magic potion have a bad taste? Everything
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