The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook by Matt Dunn

folding his arms. ‘I’ve got a few for that one.’
    I brace myself. ‘Go on then.’
    “‘Appearance,’” he says, reading through his list. “‘Body”. “Car”. “Diet”. “Exercise”. “Flat”…’
    My jaw drops. ‘You’ve done this alphabetically ?’
    Dan nods, without a trace of guilt. ‘Well, I didn’t know how else to rank them.’ He turns the screen round to face me, and I scan down it with growing disbelief.
    ‘Car? What’s wrong with my car?’
    ‘Edward. You drive a Volvo. And a Volvo estate at that.’
    ‘So? What’s that got to do with anything?’
    Dan ignores my question. ‘Anyway. The good news is that the physical things are all superficial. Easy to change. However…’ His voice tails off.
    ‘However?’
    ‘It’s just that, as we know, where relationships are concerned it’s not just about the physical stuff, is it?’
    ‘It is for you.’
    ‘Yes, but we’re talking about Jane. Look at what she wrote. It’s obvious that there was other stuff too.’ He spins the laptop back around. ‘For example, “Job…’”
    ‘Job?’
    ‘Yes. You’ve been doing the same job since college. She hasn’t.’
    ‘Yes, well. Most relationships only have room for one career person. In ours it was Jane.’
    Dan spears a piece of chicken and pops it into his mouth. ‘Well, maybe she wanted it to be you.’
    ‘Are you going to spend the whole evening picking holes in me?’
    Dan puts his fork down and hits the ‘save’ key. ‘Listen, Edward. You asked for my help.’
    ‘I know. But I was hoping for more of a character assessment, not a character assassination. And besides, I’m just not sure your views are valid. After all, you’re a man.’
    ‘Well, if you won’t take my word for it, we need to get a second opinion. And seeing as Jane’s in Tibet…’
    ‘Any suggestions?’
    Dan considers this for a moment or two. ‘Listen. Hard as it is for me to believe, there was a time that Jane found you attractive. Unless, of course, you got her drunk. Or pregnant. Or both. But she obviously fancied you once.’
    ‘Back at college.’
    ‘Exactly. So what we need is someone else who knew you then. Someone who maybe even fancied you. And someone who hasn’t seen you since, if possible.’
    I think back to my college days, working through my pre-Jane student love life. Sadly, only one name springs to mind.
    ‘Sally Hall.’
    Dan frowns. ‘Sally Hall? Who’s she?’
    ‘You remember. Sally Hall. Accountancy student. Year above us. Dark hair. Huge…’
    ‘Breasts?’ asks Dan, hopefully.
    ‘I was going to say “fan of the Cure”. But now you mention it…’
    Dan takes a mouthful of salad. ‘Can’t place her. Unfortunately.’
    ‘She was the girl I went out with before I met Jane.’
    He looks at me blankly. ‘Still nope.’
    ‘The one you “consoled” the night she and I split up. On the grass outside the student union. In full view of the hostel TV lounge, as it turned out.’
    Dan smiles as he retrieves that particular memory from the archives. ‘Ah. That was Sally Hall, was it?’
    I nod. ‘I wonder what ever happened to her.’
    Dan shrugs, ‘Probably still pining after me. Like the rest of them.’
    ‘But how on earth do I get in touch with her? It was ten years ago.’
    Dan puts a hand on my shoulder. ‘Let me worry about that. Right now you’ve got more important things to think about.’
    ‘Exactly. Getting Jane back.’
    ‘Nope,’ he motions towards his empty glass, ‘getting the drinks in.’
    I head off to the bar as instructed. When I get back to the table, Dan is staring intently at the screen, and seems to be typing in his credit-card number.
    ‘What are you doing?’
    ‘Shush. Tell you in a moment.’
    ‘Can I…’
    ‘Shut up for a second, will you?’
    I do as I’m told, and chew my burger quietly. Eventually, Dan puts his wallet away and looks up from the keyboard. ‘Yes, Edward?’
    ‘I just wanted to ask how we find Sally