window, letting the early spring air fill my lungs, regardless of the pollution invading the perfect afternoon. Taxi cabs and people shouting kept me in a trance as I watched their bodies fill the streets below, like tiny insects waiting to be crushed. But I was no giant to do such a thing. I was just as pathetically tiny as they were, already smashed to smithereens on the inside.
My eyes burned, swollen from crying all afternoon. I’d arrived an hour after Saul had left me at the park to find his stuff gone. All of it. Even his keyboard and equipment. There’d never been anything that stung more than that…nothing. My heart completely left me that moment too. I was alone now. Not even my sister Liv was here. I’d knocked on her door before heading to my room. All alone for the first time in my entire life and I hated it.
It felt like a vacuum, sucking my consciousness away, even though the hours passed slowly. I could barely remember the last few things I did before this moment, sitting on the edge of the window, staring at the fire escape and wishing I could evaporate into the misty clouds hovering above my head.
I was still here though, and I wouldn’t disappear into the atmosphere like I wanted to. I’d never been suicidal, but I could see how appealing it could be in moments like these where the darkness was heavy and the mind was a tiny whisper away from oblivion. The only thing I could hold onto was Liz. I was still her big sister, and I had to be there for her, always, no matter what. If she lost me, I didn’t want to think of how out of control she could become. I’d become her anchor, and I knew my role well. It was almost a co-dependency really. I was her stronghold, and she was the reason why I existed.
Maybe it was more than that, but that was all I had at this moment, and it was enough to keep me from sliding closer to the edge and letting the overwhelming despair engulf me. That’s all I needed. Just that one reason, enough to keep my head above water, and I silently thanked my sister for that tiny little beacon.
She’d never know how much she’d saved me that day.
Morning came, beckoning me from my sleep. I’d even left the curtains open in hopes that the sunlight of the dawn would tempt me out of bed, knowing I’d be in a desolate mood. It didn’t work as I laid there, staring at the popcorn ceiling, my mind empty and my lips cracked. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything since yesterday, and I was pretty sure I’d cried gallons all evening.
My stomach won the battle, and I reluctantly sat up. I was just about to get up and shower when there was clamorous knock on the door. I jumped to my feet, hoping it was Saul returning. The tiny spark of hope hovered inside like a pleasant lighthouse beacon in the fog after a storm.
“Saul?” I yanked the door open and found Liz staring back at me.
“It’s me. Look…I need to talk to you…” She lifted an eyebrow when she saw the state I was in. “Don’t look so excited to see me.” She pushed past me into the room and slumped into a chair.
“Come right on in, Sis,” I mumbled and hastily shoved the door shut. “What’s going on?”
“I have to go to California.”
I shoved my hair back, knowing I was looking horrid.
“Why? L.A.?”
She nodded.
“I got us both tickets for the noon flight. Get your stuff packed.”
“WH—what? You want me to go to California with you…today?”
“That’s what I just said. Come on. Hit the shower. You look like…wait...what the fuck happened to you?” Liv narrowed her eyes at me, scrutinizing the wreck before her.
“Saul left me. I cheated on him with Random, and I told him yesterday after the meeting.”
Liv’s eyebrows flew up as she took another good look around my room. “I see…Well, even better. You have no reason to stay here. Hell, Jonas broke up with me. Now, get ready. We don’t have much time. I’ll start packing your crap. You go shower. You need it.”
I groaned as
My eyes burned, swollen from crying all afternoon. I’d arrived an hour after Saul had left me at the park to find his stuff gone. All of it. Even his keyboard and equipment. There’d never been anything that stung more than that…nothing. My heart completely left me that moment too. I was alone now. Not even my sister Liv was here. I’d knocked on her door before heading to my room. All alone for the first time in my entire life and I hated it.
It felt like a vacuum, sucking my consciousness away, even though the hours passed slowly. I could barely remember the last few things I did before this moment, sitting on the edge of the window, staring at the fire escape and wishing I could evaporate into the misty clouds hovering above my head.
I was still here though, and I wouldn’t disappear into the atmosphere like I wanted to. I’d never been suicidal, but I could see how appealing it could be in moments like these where the darkness was heavy and the mind was a tiny whisper away from oblivion. The only thing I could hold onto was Liz. I was still her big sister, and I had to be there for her, always, no matter what. If she lost me, I didn’t want to think of how out of control she could become. I’d become her anchor, and I knew my role well. It was almost a co-dependency really. I was her stronghold, and she was the reason why I existed.
Maybe it was more than that, but that was all I had at this moment, and it was enough to keep me from sliding closer to the edge and letting the overwhelming despair engulf me. That’s all I needed. Just that one reason, enough to keep my head above water, and I silently thanked my sister for that tiny little beacon.
She’d never know how much she’d saved me that day.
Morning came, beckoning me from my sleep. I’d even left the curtains open in hopes that the sunlight of the dawn would tempt me out of bed, knowing I’d be in a desolate mood. It didn’t work as I laid there, staring at the popcorn ceiling, my mind empty and my lips cracked. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything since yesterday, and I was pretty sure I’d cried gallons all evening.
My stomach won the battle, and I reluctantly sat up. I was just about to get up and shower when there was clamorous knock on the door. I jumped to my feet, hoping it was Saul returning. The tiny spark of hope hovered inside like a pleasant lighthouse beacon in the fog after a storm.
“Saul?” I yanked the door open and found Liz staring back at me.
“It’s me. Look…I need to talk to you…” She lifted an eyebrow when she saw the state I was in. “Don’t look so excited to see me.” She pushed past me into the room and slumped into a chair.
“Come right on in, Sis,” I mumbled and hastily shoved the door shut. “What’s going on?”
“I have to go to California.”
I shoved my hair back, knowing I was looking horrid.
“Why? L.A.?”
She nodded.
“I got us both tickets for the noon flight. Get your stuff packed.”
“WH—what? You want me to go to California with you…today?”
“That’s what I just said. Come on. Hit the shower. You look like…wait...what the fuck happened to you?” Liv narrowed her eyes at me, scrutinizing the wreck before her.
“Saul left me. I cheated on him with Random, and I told him yesterday after the meeting.”
Liv’s eyebrows flew up as she took another good look around my room. “I see…Well, even better. You have no reason to stay here. Hell, Jonas broke up with me. Now, get ready. We don’t have much time. I’ll start packing your crap. You go shower. You need it.”
I groaned as
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